Am I strong enough?

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I need help. I can't put it simply enough. I'm in a marriage that is killing me...My husband controls my every move, who I talk to, what I wear, I can't even go into our front yard without an arguement. I've tried to talk to him, tell him how trapped I feel, and he says that I should be grateful that he cares so much. He's constantly berating our 3 year old son. I can't take it any more. But I'm scared. He's threatened to kill me if I left him. The sickest part is that I feel as though I'm betraying him. I've forgotten who I am. I'm severely depressed, and don't know what to do. Please help.

-- Anonymous, June 02, 2001

Answers

I don't have all the answers but I think being prepared is a key. You are able to tap into the net so you probably have some time away from your abuser. You should call a women's shelter (411 will have the numbers) and ask about what you can do. You don't have to give your name to get information. It would be good if you have bank accounts you can draw on. If he will not let you have a bank card, you can withdraw money from a bank account with proper ID and the bank account number. It would be good to stash copies of important documents (birth certificates for you and your child(ren); financial documents, including your house deed; etc) in a safe place away from your house(at a friend's). It would be good to know where you would go if you had to leave suddenly with nothing but the clothes on your back. If you leave without funds, you can get emergency aid from social service agencies. The women's shelters in your area should be able to direct you. You can do all the planning without actually deciding to leave yet. The planning in itself will help you get stronger. Then when you have your plan in place, you can make that next decision about whether or when you will leave. I hope this helps.

-- Anonymous, June 04, 2001

You're welcome. Some areas actually have shelters that accomodate pets, but they are few and far between. You can ask about that from the shelter you connected to. You need to consider the trauma that your husband is inflicting on your 3 year old now in comparison with the short-term displacement of moving him into a shelter without his toys. It is probably going to be easier for your child to adjust to the new surroundings than it will be for you. You will be able to replace his toys and he will move on. If you have a scanner and cannot leave the house to copy important documents, you may consider scanning them into the computer e-mailing them to yourself at a secured address. You should be aware of the noise that a scanner will make and not attempt this when he is in the house. You do not want to be caught copying papers. If necessary, you may have to leave the house without the papers. Just know what they are. You may obtain birth certificates from the hospital where your kids were born. Banks will be able to provide you with your bank account numbers provided you have at least a couple of pieces of identification like your driver's licence. You may also leave the house first, then telephone the police for an escort to collect your things after you leave and settle the kids. You do not have to lay a charge for the police to escort you to collect your belongings. You should let the police know whether there are any guns in the house. If there are weapons in the house, the police should go to the door without you, make sure that he is not armed, and then bring you into the house to collect your things. You will not be able to bring everything and you may have to pack in a hurry, so make a list in order of priority which things are most important to you and know where they are before you leave. Do not talk to him when you are under police escort.

-- Anonymous, June 05, 2001

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