NYPress

Jim Knipfel There’s a Little Godzilla in All of Us

It was announced earlier this week that Takara, the Japanese toy company responsible for inflicting Transformers upon the world, has decided to make a bold move into the highly competitive world of canned meats.

Starting this fall, hungry Japanese consumers will finally be able to get a little taste of revenge upon the creature that destroyed Tokyo (and several surrounding suburbs) so many times since 1956, by picking up a can of Godzilla Meat.

Yes, honest-to-goodness Godzilla meat.

Packaged in small, Spam-like tins decorated with pictures of the giant, radioactive fire-breathing lizard, "Godzilla Meat" is actually just corned beef. Which is a relief, actually–when I first heard the news, I was afraid that it might mean that Godzilla had finally died. And where would we be then? Who would protect us from the likes of Biollante, Barugon or the Smog Monster? Mothra?

According to a Takara spokesperson, sounding just like a character from almost any of the Toho films, "People can eat Godzilla and become energetic and powerful. It's got dreams mixed in with fun."

Also, with the more vengeful consumer in mind, Takara plans a whole series of Toho-related, Tokyo-crushing canned meat products, including "King Ghidora Meat" (more corned beef) and the barbecued chicken of "Rodan Meat"–misidentified in the AP story as "Radon Meat," which would be something else entirely, more akin to "H-Man Meat."

Unfortunately, Takara officials said that they have no plans to export the products to the United States. Which gives me an idea. Perhaps this should be the impetus for some bright entrepreneur to finally start marketing Soylent Green.

(6/15)

-- Anonymous, June 15, 2001