Power outage linked to squirrel terrorist group

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Sunday, June 17, 2001

Power outage linked to squirrel terrorist group

By John Breneman, Herald Sunday Editor

A rogue squirrel knocked out power across much of the city early Thursday in an act of sabotage that police are calling "a heinous and cowardly act of rodent terrorism."

The squirrel leaped into an electrical transformer at a downtown substation shortly after 9 a.m., just as the business day began.

The economic impact of the brazen daylight suicide mission is estimated at $1.2 killion as hundreds of downtown workers were left literally powerless to do their jobs.

Employees at one local dot-com were startled to find the company no longer existed when the electricity came back on. And several firms provided counseling to help workers deal with the emotional trauma of not being able to get onto their computers.

The squirrel was killed instantly and so could not be questioned regarding his motive. But police say a group identifying itself as the Bushy Tail Liberation Army is claiming responsibility for the attack.

The BTLA, which exploded onto the international rodent terrorism scene when it sizzled a power transformer outside the White House last November, scratched the following statement into the bark of a giant oak tree near City Hall:

"We demand an immediate end to the vehicular genocide being perpetrated against the squirrel community by our human oppressors in their noxious SUVs."

The BTLA, citing the "needless slaughter" of millions of squirrels on our nation's roadways, vowed that more serious power outages would follow unless authorities complied with their demands. These include:

Legislation imposing stiff fines and jail time for squashing a squirrel in an automobile.

Erection of "Squirrel Crossing" signs and overpasses at specified locations.

Immediate repeal of heavy tariffs on the import of exotic European and Asian acorns.

Federal subsidies to stimulate trade with acorn-producing nations.

And sweeping oak tree preservation measures, including a nationwide ban on the use of oak in furniture manufacturing.

Lt. James Nutt of the police department's elite anti-rodent terrorism unit said there is no cause for the public to be alarmed.

But he did offer several tips for homeowners concerned that the squirrels chattering and foraging out in their yard might be aligned with the BTLA rebels. Tell-tale signs include:

Squirrels congregating in groups and chattering in hushed tones.

Shifty eyes.

Handguns and ammunition missing from your closet.

Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons appearing mysteriously on your TV.

If you suspect an ordinary household squirrel of engaging in subversive activity, Nutt warned, do not attempt to subdue the rodent yourself. They are often trained in martial arts like Tae Akorn Do.

Instead, police urge you to scamper inside and whimper like a baby until help arrives.

Herald Sunday editor John Breneman is reportedly missing an acorn or two.


-- Martin Thompson (mthom1927@aol.com), June 17, 2001


I have been saying all along that there is a squirrel conspiracy.

-- Martin Thompson (mthom1927@aol.com), June 17, 2001.

Where's the stability of the grid gone? From what I understand the power companies use what is called a reclosure switch to alleviate these kinds of problems. When something hits the line, such as a tree limb, or a squirrel, the power line will give the object a minimum of a 10 cycle zap and repeat this three times to burn through whatever hits the line, to maintain continunity of the power grid. This type of voltage and current has the ability to melt porcelain and copper, and squirrels. I say, let's go back to the good old days when squirrels were virtually vaporized, instead of becoming headline news, and subdue this ridiculous spin that a 400 gram tree rat can cause a city-wide outage. It's obvious the facts of these outages are being withheld and media reporting is no longer anything but off point, pre-written, censored fabrications designed to distract the general public from the seriousness and true causes of these outages.

-- Doris (nocents@bellsouth.net), June 18, 2001.

Yeow Doris, you rock ::::-

-- spider (spider0@usa.net), June 19, 2001.

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