OK teams - we're now going to play the game called Mornington Crescent. (rapturous applause, SOL shaken to it's foundations.)

But first we've been deluged with a letter from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales.(more cheers)

Dear Mr Reid she writes, I wish you all the best for the new season but I did prefer you in those tea ads you used to do on ITV.
Yours Sincerely
Mrs Trellis

Now teams as we're up here in Sunderland we're going to play the Geordie Metro version of the game with the new Mackem extensions. All the standard rules apply but in addition, huffing is considered unacceptable (the people of the North East are a higher form of life after all), moves to The Stadium of Light must involve passing water, (I see Pit Bill might have an unfair advantage here), and looping will place a player "in nip" and they will be forced to miss turns until their partner can play a straddle. The Main Line Station is wild and the Airport allows Free Play. This version introduces the entirely new feature of "Coastal Stations" the rulings for which are self-evident. From a strategic point of view I might just add that control of the long diagonal is not nearly so important as in the standard version which makes the game very challenging indeed. They're a tough lot here up North and no mistake. That's all fairly straightforward isn't it? Ok who wants to start?

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2001

Answers

Always looking to take an early advantage (well, as they say, one in Kate Bush is worth two in the hand):

Monument

There - who's going to follow that??

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2001

Tricky Screach.hmmmmmmm Embankment.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

That puts you "in nip" I reckon Stevo -

Four Lane Ends

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Excellent move. That should allow me to switch over to Regent Centre.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Will my London Transport Travelcard get me on the No.1 bus to town?

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Cullercoats.... opens the game up a bit!

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Everyone's playing safe early on, so I'll put the cat amongst the pigeons with a sidestep to Cullercoats

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Seems we posted at the same time geordie but I guess it was the obvious move!!

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Well, assuming that the Shields ferry is in play, it has to be Hebburn. A three step move, obviously.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

What's that? - The Shields ferry? Oh - I don't see why not - that's also a clever straddle by Dr Bill there releasing Stevo from being "in nip" - BTW Tom & Geordie this is Mornington Crescent not SNAP! Carry on teams.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Chillingham Road!

( Does this constitute looping? I fear so; I'm in nip now. Please someone, straddle for me!)

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Howay Humph.... 'coats was an obvious (but risky) move.

right...... Haymarket!

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

A straddle!!! Excellent! What about BYKER - ha! Gotcha!!!

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Very negative. Blocking tactic leaving only 2 moves. I need to think about this a bit more.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

I'm a bit uneasy about that Shields Ferry ruling now ... - carry on teams

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Shiremoor

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Time to play the Joker I think, to open things up again...sunderland

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

This all getting a bit too cagey, + defensive, Dalglishian even. A bit reckless but what the hell...

Whitley Bay

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Miller, you are a disgrace. I demand an immediate suspension.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

and the sooner we move away from there the better!

Tynemouth

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Well, hopefully this will get things back on track
Felling

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

HUMPH!!!! I challenge that last move under rule 8. I think Sreach is out of order!

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

No no no, you can't apply Rule 8 here. Following the celebrated Rushton Ruling, Rule 8 doesn't apply to double traverses. If you review what's happened it's perfectly obvious that Screacher has passed water twice, so we're now all in nip.

Therefore Humph, I'm assuming that you will concur with the direct approach of a match-winning ST JAMES'S.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

So if we're all in nip, someone is going to have to straddle us all? What if I tried a daring shunt to

Kingston Park.

I'm hoping this will go down well with Humph so he can poop in at Tescos (seeing as Dr Bill spoolted me passing water twice).

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

You can't escape that easily Screacher. My credentials may be frayed, but I can still hold my own. Er water, that is.

A sideways move to... Kenton Bank Foot!

Btw Humph, where exactly IS the Mornington Crescent of the T&W Metro system? Not being quite sure makes planning my usual intricately crafted strategy just a tad harder than normal...

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

KBF? Hmmm - I'll have to think about that one. You know, Humph's not been feeling himself lately. Perhaps that's why he forgot to elucidate. Do you have any suggestions for the T&W Mornington Crescent? I was thinking it may be somewhere up near your neck of the woods - Jesmond/Ilford/South Gossie area??

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Hmm, trying to psych me out Screach, were you? Fischer and Spassky all over again?

But if we are going for a stroll up tangent boulevard... I was trundling home on the Metro after a match last year, sitting opposite a couple banging on - er, sorry, talking - about Ilford Road as "that station that nobody ever uses - don't know why we have to bother stopping there" etc etc. As I can use either there or S Gossy, I put on my best 'socially excluded' look - not difficult in my case - and got off. Well, alighted at Ilford Road anyway. Turning my collar above hunched shoulders, I made my way along the rain- and wind-swept platform. Alone. Maybe they had a point.

So my vote goes to Ilford Road.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

I humbly apologise for my incorrect challenge. I'd hate to cast any doubt on the credentials of young Mr. S.

Anyho.... The last few moves have been interesting but seem to have left a blindingly obvious 3 move finish. I can apply the first move and will remain here waiting for the correct response:

West Monkseaton

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

I'm sorry, I seem to be joining in a little late, but have we established whether of not the escalators are working at Central? If they are then I am going for Manors, but otherwise Howdon.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

If you go for Howdon, that allows a transverse straddle to Pelaw using the Goldstein convention due to the single track on the transversal.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Howdon. eh? Staying with what you know. OK. I'll accept that - seeing as Jonno has got the Humph and hasn't told us about the escalators, let's assume they're not. I'm not happy with Pete's idea of Pelaw tho. Nah, I'm going to Bede. Goodnight.

BTW - is Jonno/Humph schitzophrenic? He should pull himself together.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

What's going on? I've just nodded off been re-checking that South Shields Ferry issue and I may have made the wrong decison there. I'm afraid we may have to declare this game null and void or we may place ourselves in breach of MCC strictures. (Mornington Crescent Club).

Incidentally, for those of you at home who were unable to access the Mornington Crescent Rules website for which a link was given on the "Forthcoming Attraction" thread, I must apologise - it seems that the site has been ordered to close down pending a ruling in the European Court about the exact ownership of the Mornington Crescent franchise. The French claim ownership of the title and alledge that our own version is plagiarised from their own popular breakfast time game Mornington Croissant(TM). I'm unable to comment further as the whole matter is now sub judice but it's merde isn't it?

Now - where were we? What day is it? Anyone? What I'll do teams - we'll roll it back to just before the South Shields Ferry incident and have a dropped ball (must have a word with my Doctor about that) - now where has it landed - let me see - Central Station - everyone is out of nip and has one straddle remaining - carry on teams.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Shirley the game has to go straight down the line to....

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2001

Mornington Crescent!!

-- Anonymous, July 21, 2001

The 1897 Rules clearly indicate that coloured responses are not allowed Screacher. If you're playing by the newer continental rules it would be OK but as you never mentioned you were I think you closure should be disallowed and replaced with my SOUTH GOSFORTH.

-- Anonymous, July 21, 2001

Argh Jacko! I'm gutted. I forgot al about that one. Of course, I should have remembered we are playing the Black & White version of the game. How stupid of me. I'll withdraw my entry (sorry Galaxy!) and accept your Sooth Gossy, tho it's awfully close to Dr Bill's Ilford Road.

Anyway, being the resident pianist around here (yes, I think I heard it right Humph) I'll just go for a quick tinkle on my ivories before I let Galaxy tune my equipment.

-- Anonymous, July 21, 2001

Is this in any way related to BBC 2's repeats of The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy from Monday July 30th?

-- Anonymous, July 22, 2001

Whispers :

Whilst this exciting game is reaching a climax listeners, I'd just bring to your attention an interesting historical fact about the game which Screacher's "blue move" has brought to light. In medieval times, of course, ALL moves were blue as they were done in woad and it's interesting that Screacher's move is, (much like Screacher) an echo of that distant past. In those days of course, the game of Mornington Crescent was much simpler. Looking back at the moves we have had so far, there were no stations in the 14th Century at several of the locations mentioned so far and the players would have been forced to shuttle between Chillingham Road & Heworth before attempting a breakout to Chipping Ongar or Richmond. As Woy Jenkins says in his seminal lecture A History of Mornington Crescent "All Woads lead to Wichmond", an opinion which raises a fair degree of rancour although you won't catch Woy saying that.

Now let's get back to the game which is clearly drawing to a feverish conclusion....

-- Anonymous, July 22, 2001

Two Ball Lonnen, if thats allowed otherwise am knockin'

-- Anonymous, July 22, 2001

True, you're supposed to name a metro station not state your sexual preferences ;-)

-- Anonymous, July 22, 2001

Right...... St. James. Not quite Mornington Crescent but there are no valid moves away from there!

-- Anonymous, July 23, 2001