Why do I love my spouse? This question kept running through my head this afternoon while hanging laundry in the butterfly garden. On the way home from church we stopped at a yard sale and the couple having it told us they have been married 58 years. They seemed to still be very much IN LOVE as well as LOVING each other. In asking myself why I love my spouse I'm afraid I came up with 2 answers.

1)I'm IN LOVE with him because of all the ways he is just like me. 2)I LOVE him for the good qualities he has that I am in short supply on.

I'd be interested to hear why you love your spouse and be as specific or general as you like. If you don't love your spouse I really don't want to hear about it. I'm especially interested in hearing from people who have been married a long time. Tell me how long. We are newlyweds of 44 days. Seems longer. Goodness, I hope that isn't a bad sign!

-- debra in ks (windfish@toto.net), September 02, 2001

Answers

I have been married for 20 years, and I love John because of all the ways he is different than me! It is also easy to love the good qualities, the trick is to still love him after the list of bad qualites gets mighty long! :) Vicki

-- Vicki McGaugh TX (vickilonesomedoe@hotmail.com), September 02, 2001.

David and I will have been married 21 years this Thursday. Why do I love him? If I were to list all his good qualities, I wouldn't finish this letter tonight. I think the main reason I fell in love with him is because I knew in him I found a safe place for my heart.

Congratulations on 44 years of marriage Debra. :) I think I know what you mean when you say it seem like longer. I feel like I've known David my whole life. Was there ever a time when we haven't been a part of each other?

-- Nancy in Maine (paintme61@yahoo.com), September 02, 2001.

Nancy- That wasn't 44 years of marriage, it says 44 DAYS!

-- debra in ks (windfish@toto.net), September 02, 2001.

This is not an answer to the question but it is along the same line. I have made it a point of asking people who have been married a long time what their secret was. You would think they would say "love", "communication", etc. but the answer I got most often was "we never gave up". It's something to think about.

-- Nancy (NAWoodward@lakewebs.net), September 02, 2001.

marriage?? whats that??? thought that was a cuss word

-- stan (sopal@net-port.com), September 02, 2001.

Well, Friday we will be married for 28 years. Most of them have been very good. He is a wonderful, loving man. 1.He encourages/pushes me to try anything I want to try. 2.He is the greatest Dad and 3. He puts up with me and my family!;)

My children have asked how we have stayed so happy through all the years--My husband's reply: "we don't expect the other to be perfect and we laugh at our own mistakes". MY answer is "we treat each other as we would want to be treated."

-- Debbie T in N.C. (rdtyner@mindspring.com), September 02, 2001.

He says he loves me because I am perfect...looking for some brownie points I think. I asked for the real answer and he says he doesn't have the words except that we were meant for each other. I love him because he encourages me and never tries to hold me back and he's building me a barn..hee hee..just kidding..Loved him long before that. He is many things I am not and if we were exactly the same he'd drive me nuts! We hardly ever get in a real row, mostly just little testy spells. He's wonderful and I am lucky! We have been married 7 years , together for 10.

-- Alison in N.S. (aproteau@istar.ca), September 02, 2001.

Marriage??? Marriage???

Remember that scene in that Monty Python movie where the rabbit was attacking everyone; RUN AWAY!!! RUN AWAY!!!!

-- HannahMariaHolly (hannahholly@hotmail.com), September 02, 2001.

Do I Have to have a reason? Everyday there is something new, something from the day before and quite often something I can't describe that makes me love her more. And the fact that if she feels the need to change our locks, she still replaces my key so its up to date :>)

-- Jay Blair in N. AL (jayblair678@yahoo.com), September 02, 2001.

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Omigosh! I'm sorry Debra!

-- Nancy in Maine (paintme61@yahoo.com), September 02, 2001.

My husband and I have been married for 15 years. I had a bad marriage the first time around and it took 6 years on his part to convince me try it again. I love my husband for all the little things he does for me, (like the dishes) and the not so little things he puts up with like trouble with one of the kids (mine by my first marriage but raised and supported by husband #2). We have went through a lot bad times together and even when the going got really tough and he could have walked away, he was still standing there beside me. He thought I was crazy to want to move out in the country; but he did it anyway and he just said the other day he wouldn't want to live any other place than here!Thats why I love him.

-- Barb in wc Il (Barb43@countrylife.net), September 02, 2001.

WE have been married 60 years and I still dont know why she puts up with me Big George

-- George Wilson (cwwhtw@aol.com), September 02, 2001.

Hmmm...this is a tough one. Because from the first day I met him, he made me laugh (worked together). We had one year living together alone, then two more with daughter #1. And now we've been married 4 years, so together 7. It seems like 7 weeks, and also 70 years. Also, we have the same sense of humour, and see most everything from the same point of view. I love him because I can, and do, trust him 100 %. I love him because I respect him, and he respects me. I love him because he is also my opposite: laid back, I'm a worrier; he's a doer, I'm a procrastinator; he works with his hands, I work with my brain. And most of all because he's so darned cute!

-- Rheba (rhebabeall@hotmail.com), September 02, 2001.

Don't really know why I love my spouse, but we've been married for 33 years, and I think we're getting serious!

-- woodsbilly (coleenl@penn.com), September 02, 2001.

I read once that love is an intentional commitment, NOT a feeling. My feelings for my spouse may change from day to day, but my love (commitment) is forever. My spouse agrees. Why do I love my spouse? Because he forgives me regularly for all my failings, and chooses to love me in spite of them! Forgiveness for another's imperfections is one of the highest forms of love, I believe.

-- Liz Rhein (merhein@shentel.net), September 02, 2001.

First of all...congratulations George Wilson on your 60 yrs. of marriage!!

DH and I have been married for almost 31 yrs. He is my best friend and we really know how to finish each others sentences!

-- Marcia (HrMr@webtv.net), September 02, 2001.

Hello, Debra! My DH and I have been married 20 years as of this June, and we're happier now than we've ever been. We have had some rough times, but they have just ultimately made our commitment stronger. Why do we love each other? Because we know everything there is to know about each other, and we still want to be together! :-) He's my best friend. He's a great daddy to our girls. And he's got a real cute tushy, too! :-)

Here's our little story. We met on a Friday in May of 1981. He moved in with me the following Monday, and we were married about 7 weeks later. I told my mother the day I met him that he was the man I was going to marry. I just knew. And no, it hasn't always been easy, but it's sure been worth it! He's the best, and I'll love him forever.

There's a line in a song by Journey that makes me think of him everytime. The song is called "Kiss Me Softly" and it goes, "I'd live a thousand lives if everyone I lived could be with you." That's just how I feel.

I hope you are as blessed as I am!

-- Cheryl in KS (cherylmccoy@rocketmail.com), September 02, 2001.

Hi Deborah, Me and my DH have been married for 32 yrs. come Sept. 15th. I hardly know where to start on the reasons I love him. He's my best friend, we are a team, we look out for each other. It often feels like we're still on our honeymoon. Other times it seems like we have always been together. Since he was 23 and I was 15 when we married, he says he raised me like he wanted me, LOL.We built our own house almost from the ground up, and let me tell you that year was hard on our relationship, but it was wonderful too. We have been through so much together, I wouldn't know how to live without him and sure don't want to find out. It also helps that he still finds me attractive, although I've gained 50 lbs. since we married.Hope you and your hubby will have a long and happy marriage. Jo Ann

-- Jo Ann Weaver (hillfarm3@peoplepc.com), September 02, 2001.

We have lived together for 16 years, with 10 of that married this September 13. I am FINALLY taking his name after all that time! (King is his name....I have been practicing here and there too get used to it). It is so rare to see a couple that is truly in love, so this has been great to read.

We are first BEST FRIENDS. And that has seen us through everything. It is easier to divorce some man, but hard to stop being best friends with someone. We like living together. He is good for me. He keeps me sane. He is my opposite mostly, but we are very similar (ah, a paradox!). Everyone thinks he is so funny, but I am the one to make him fall down laughing. HE CAN FIX THINGS and I do love that (my dad couldn't hammer a nail in straight). He honors me and cherishs me, and I him. He is nicer than I am, and so he has taught me to not get so angry, to not scream, to be kinder to others.

What is most funny is that somehow my friends have always had this image of us sitting around being intellectuals, describing quantum physics, etc., and while that happens upon occasion, mostly we are just stupid and silly and giggle a lot, still. We get the other's dumb sense of humor. I about died when he started telling me dumb barroom jokes, and ended up with "This baby seal walks into a club".... oh, so politically incorrect, and so absurd that I waited for him to continue, and laughed so hard I cried.

We like to sip coffee and do the crossword in the Weekly World News, and then read the articles on "Batboy's Escape" or some such silliness.

But, he is my best friend, and I am his. We hold hands still, hug and kiss (sometimes in public when we forget there are others besides us.) We embarrass our kids because we are so mooney over each other.

-- marcee king (thathope@mwt.net), September 02, 2001.

All marriages go through stages of love, as they mature. At first, I felt loving to my hubby because he acted loving to me, and made me feel special. Needless to say, that stage of love is very immature, and doesnt last very long.

Second stage of love: knowing that hubby is a selfish person, and coming to the point of giving up ever expecting to be truely loved. But through this stage, the knowledge of what true love is, kept us from splitting. The definition is thus; Jesus commanded us to love one another. We cannot create emotions upon command. Therefore, to love someone is a decision, and it has nothing to do with whether or not we feel like loving them. The action of loving someone is spelled out in I Cor 13: 4-7. So, through this tough stage, I simply gritted my teeth and LOVED him, even though I wanted to act very unloving. I rubbed his feet in the evening when he was tired, even though he never thought of rubbing mine. I cooked him the food he liked, even though he rarely said it was tasty. I gave him sex whenever he wanted it, and tried to make him feel loved. But my heart was broken the whole time. It lasted for years.

We entered the third stage recently. He has had his eyes opened, and is doing the love thing back! He truely tries to make me feel loved! Now, I am not claiming that I was perfect during those hard years. I was human, and of course made mistakes. But we hung in there, and I am so glad we did.

We have gotten to the place where we know the other person has made the choice to love us no matter what the circumstance. This has laid a foundation for real trust. We are able to recognise that we are separate people, and therefore need different cultural and lifestyle elements, to fit our individual needs. He encourages me to go with a friend to classical musical productions, and I NEVER ask him to go! lol. I encourage him to take trips just to get him out on the open road, just to feel the freedom that belongs to him as an individual. And we are each stronger for this separate fulfillment. We come together as more whole individuals, and therefore have a more whole togetherness.

Uh-oh, this is too long. Sorry. :^) But it was good for me to write this all down. I am so glad we hung in there for those 8 years that were SO tough. It's been 18 years together, and I would choose him again today. He's so gentle, has never raised his voice in arguement with me. He's a real gentleman.

-- daffodyllady (daffodyllady@yahoo.com), September 03, 2001.

Sheesh .. you all don't ask for much, do ya? LOL It's simple in my case ... I'm a short little Irishman with a sometimes-nasty Irish attitude and she's put up with me over 20 years! We've had our good times and our bad times, but the best times are still to come because every day with her is better than the day before :-)(especially when she fries me up a batch of that bunny liver - YUM! YUM!)! I think mostly what I've heard everyone here saying is this ... don't give up! Sometimes I don't have a clue why Cheryl loves me and still wants to be with me, but I couldn't imagine EVER being without her! She's the best part of my life, and I will love her forever!

-- Phil in KS (pemccoy@yahoo.com), September 03, 2001.

Oh! I need to add this - we were married on June 30th and my birthday is July 1st! I still honestly tell her she's the BEST birthday present I ever got!!! She doesn't quiet walk on water, but she's real close in my books! :-)

-- Phil in KS (pemccoy@yahoo.com), September 03, 2001.

Been married for 11 years. I love my wife because she loves me. She is strong when I'm weak, I'm strong when she is weak, she is my best friend, I can tell her anything, she is pretty, she gave me a wonderful red haired son, we were meant for each other. Marriage is like a flower - it takes a lot of care to tend it (if you don't tend it, it will wither and die), but when it blooms it is all worth it!!!! Congratulations on your recent wedding and good luck with your new life! Hope you will be as happy as I have been.

-- Michael W. Smith in North-West Pennsylvania (kirklbb@penn.com), September 03, 2001.

Dear Debra,

I can't imagine being with anyone else. He has always supported my wacky ideas and encouraged me to keep trying when they don't always work out right. He invents things to make my life easier and can fix anything from a child's toy to a complicated electrical device. We agree that we're both weird and say we're glad we didn't "inflict" ourselves on two other unsuspecting "normal" people. We fit together. We've been married for 22 years and it seems like only yesterday and yet, forever. I can't imagine my life without him. We take care of each other and watch each other's backs. We are a good team. I knew the first time we went out that he was the one I wanted. He's an excellent provider and generous. He's never asked me "what did you do with the last $5 I gave you?". He rarely says "No" unless it's followed by the word "problem". Both our children say they hope their marriages will be like ours - constant. I equate our marriage to a good hardwood fire. Slow burning and long lasting - keeping us warm during the cold hard times.

Wishing you (the same) enough.

-- Trevilians (aka Dianne in Mass) (Trevilians@mediaone.net), September 03, 2001.

I had two unhappy marriages when I met this guy! To make it simple as to why we've been together 23 years. He still makes me laugh and he understands my sense of humor! The first two husbands had not a clue about my strangeness!

-- Ardie from WI (ardie54965@hotmail.com), September 03, 2001.

I met my husband when I was 14, married when I was 18, been married 15 years now. Why do I love him so much? He is an excellent person! He works hard, he's competent, he's kind, he's fun. There is never any question of his integrity. You could trust him with your soul. There is a song that says "He never wondered what was right or wrong...he just knew" and when I hear that song I almost always have tears in my eyes thinking of him. I really just don't feel right when he isn't here! There is NOTHING I wouldn't do for him and I really can't even imagine what life would be like without him. If he was the only person I ever saw for the rest of my life I don't think I would care. Not too modern to think this way I'm afraid with all of the male-bashing that often takes place in our society, but true none-the-less!

-- someone's wife! (anyone@outthere.net), September 03, 2001.

We were married 38 years last week. My very best friend. I believe that one of our pluses is that we know when to bite our tongues and keep our mouths shut. He put up with me through PMS before it had a fancy name. Truly St. M to me. He let me leave the rat race to the rats many years ago to live a simple life and not one of conspicuous consumption. I've just GOTTA read, garden and meditate! Our one disagreement--he won't buy me a country place! But I consider him still a work in progess and giving up is not an option. Can you believe it--this guy won't even look at any of my 11+ years worth of COUNTRYSIDE which I am ALWAYS devouring????? I guess that I just need more time working on him! ;)

-- Sandy Davis (smd2@netzero.net), September 03, 2001.

I don't have a spouse so maybe I'm not supposed to respond here, BUT, I do have a much-beloved Yuppie Boyfriend, and here are some of the reasons I love him: He is my best friend and has been since I met him 12 years ago. Our motto is that we "never keep secrets, never tell lies, and we'll always be friends". We first started dating many years ago but broke up and did not see each other for almost 2 years. During that time I did date, but I just never met anyone else that I flat out LIKED as much as I do the YB. I think he feels the same way about me. I know that when we are together we laugh constantly and we also enjoy acting silly together which is something neither of us does much around other people. We enjoy just being together. We have similar beliefs about things like politics, religion, values and morals, work ethic, etc. We do live different lifestyles, and although it seems inevitable that we will get married, we have yet to decide whether we will live in Texas, where he is now, or here on my Florida farm. He is very considerate of my lifestyle choices, and has said that we should probably live here on the farm, since I have family and friends nearby. He knows that if we have kids I want to raise them around family. The only hitch would be if his job demands he stay in Dallas, in which case I will move there. Even then, however, he agrees that we should move out of town and at least have a few acres in the country, and he is willing to commute to his job if need be. He still surprises me with gifts of cards and flowers, and he works hard to keep the romance in our relationship. No matter what I cook, he says he loves it (so far, LOL!), and is always appreciative of my efforts. He works hard, and although I also have my own career, wants to take care of me and our eventual family. I visited him in Dallas last week, although I was also there to do some technical training for an employer, so I had a rental car. When I left yesterday, the YB insisted on following me to the airport rental car facility, then transferring me to the terminal and waiting with me until my flight boarded. He does a lot of little things like that which I enjoy. Of course, I do the same for him. We respect each other, trust each other, and I hope we always will. Gee, I hope that getting married doesn't ruin this wonderful relationship!

-- Elizabeth (ekfla@aol.com), September 03, 2001.

Michael W Smith thats exactly how I feel about my husband. We just compliment each other...he's the straight man to my clown, he is level headed in places I am not and vice versa. Even before we had kids I felt like we were a great team. And adversity has had the blessed power to make our committment to one another and appreciation of one another even stronger. Michael..you expressed what I was thinking even better than I could. You too must be a very lucky spouse!

-- Alison in N.S. (aproteau@istar.ca), September 03, 2001.

Many, many reasons. Today it was because he shoveled sheep **** with me in the barn for about four hours and then came in and made me a cool refreshing drink afterwards. He also mowed the ram paddock and showed me some tricks on how to back up the tractor. He also smoked two salmon for dinner tonight.

It's also been because he listens to me, argues with me, loves me in the right ways, supports and nurtures me, goads me, teases me, makes me laugh, doesn't laugh at me when I say something he thinks is too over the top (usually) and compliments me when I do something that was hard to do.

He likes most of my friends and he has a lot of his own friends that I like, too.

He keeps himself in physical and mental shape, likes people in a very genuine sense, gives of himself to other people and local civic groups, makes children laugh, and always challenges himself to keep learning. We don't have children, but we have a poster that he put up over our desk. It says "99 messages for encouraging children." He cares about building self-esteem in little kids.

We have been married for 19+ years. I hope we can do at least another 20. We have had some tough, nasty times, but we stuck it out. I suspect we'll have more challenges, but hope we have learned the skills to deal with them.

A good marriage is a real blessing. I am very thankful.

-- sheepish (WA) (the_original_sheepish@hotmail.com), September 03, 2001.

My DH and I will have been married 11 years in Nov. We dated long distance (NY to NC) for 2 1/2 years before that. I was married before and the one thing I learned is that you can't change a person unless they want to be changed.

As many people have said, my DH is my best friend. We have a lot of similarities but also some differences. I love him most because he is very smart, can carry on a conversation, is very handy around the house, extremely funny, and he makes up wonderful little songs about anything (what we're having for dinner, the neighbors, our "money pit"). Even though he acts like a tough guy a lot, when one of our cats was sick, I found him singing a little song to the cat! No way you can't love that!

Congratulations on your marriage! Remember one thing, sometimes it's best to hold your tongue!

-- Cindy in NY (cjpopeck@worldnet.att.net), September 04, 2001.

Congratulations on 44 days, don't laugh, some days are longer than others.

The best advice I got when I married my wife of five years: Be VERY CAREFUL what you say when you argue; nearly everything can be forgiven; some things, however, will NEVER be forgotten, and those hurt a lot. Happy life to you and yours.

-- j.r. guerra (jrguerra@boultinghousesimpson.com), September 04, 2001.

I started to answer this yesterday, but couldn't come up with what I wanted to say. After I spoke with a friend of mine (with two failed marriages under her belt, and working on a rather strange relationship right now) today, I think she has put it into words exactly.

There is no such thing as the happily ever after you read about in fairy tales or romance novels. There is, however, a reality happily ever after. That is what my husband of almost 9 years and I have. In this reality, you still want to beat him over the head with that hammer he couldn't find when it was right where you told him he put it two days ago because you REFUSE to pick up after him any more; and you still get weak in the knees at the sight of his smile and the look he gets on his face when the kids are climbing all over him. I would never consider leaving him, though I have considered that hammer thing a time or two!

-- Christine in OK (cljford@aol.com), September 04, 2001.

In spite of not because.... that is what someone told us when we first got married. I kept waiting for that to happen, and gladly it hasn't. We have been married 27 years. We have had alot of rocky days and some unhappy times in those years, but the end result was a stronger union because we faced them together and with a lot of prayer. The last two months have been rough ones due to some problems our married daughter is having in her own marriage. The realization finally came to me that without respect and consideration of your mate there is not a real true love. I could ramble on forever so I better stop here. Be happy together.

-- dee (abcdeedee@msn.com), September 07, 2001.

He's my best friend....how could I not love him?! We've been married 12 years and lived together for 4 years before that. He is very laid back; I never sit still. He snores like a buzz saw; I could sleep through a hurricane. He always wants to "get there" (where ever we are going); I enjoy the journey. We work at it. When my parrot started driving him crazy with her screaming, I looked into finding her a new home without his asking me to do so. When he saw how difficult giving up my parrot was for me, he asked me to please keep her. I can't read his mind...we have to talk instead. And right now, I'm going to go spend some quality time with the man. Bye!

-- Sheryl in Me (radams@sacoriver.net), September 09, 2001.