I have been in a few abusive relationships physical and mental. I am currently taking a course in sociology and need to get a few others opions on why we stay in those relationship and why it happens. I know my point of veiws but i need contriversal and agreeing point of veiws. I am only 18 and left with only the hope that there may be a time when i am safe with some one have you ever felt like god was punishing you. the first good person i came across my fiance, dj, was killed, and i lost our child. my ex follows me and has others following me for some reason i feel he had something to do woth my lost love. i think sometimes i am alone, no one knows what is like not to be able to go out or wear skirt short sleeve shirts, he was smart only hit me in the face once. he has this power over people, got me into drugs, i got tired of saying no, if i did i got hit anyways and he took what he wanted. the drugs helped me to forget for that moment. and the pain was gone until i was coming off the high. even though he is gone i am still scared. how do you feel??

-- Anonymous, September 25, 2001

Answers

There seem to be quite a number of reasons people stay in abusive relationships. Everyone has their own reasons for not leaving, just as everyone has their own experiences with any other aspect of their lives. Some of the reasons for staying in the relationship are as follows:

Frequency and severity: Perhaps the abuse occurs over a short period of time. In general, the less severe and less frequent the abusive incidents, the more likely the victim will stay with the abuser.

Childhood issues: The victim of the abuse may have been raised in a household where abuse was an everyday occurrence, and might feel that this is something to expect in every relationship. Abuse is a generational problem, and it is likely that the more often a child is exposed to abuse in the household, that child may take on the characteristics of the adult they identify with the most. (For example, a young boy who identifies strongly with his abused mother might become a victim of abuse himself in the future.)

Economic issues: Especially true for women with children, a concern of how she is going to care for herself and her children can come forward as a legitimate excuse to stay in the relationship. Also, if the abusive partner controls all the money in the relationship and forces the victim to account for every penny that s/he spends, this can make it extremely difficult for the victim to save up enough money to leave.

Fear: Fear is an overriding issue -- ranging from fear of a more severe abusive incident should s/he not be able to successfully leave the relationship, to fear of not being able to support herself and her children, to fear of the unknown ("the devil you know vs. the devil you don't" idea).

Isolation: An abuser tries, consciously or unconsciously, to isolate his/her victim from resources (friends, family, community programs, etc.) that could assist with an escape from the relationship. Confusion from other family members and friends about repeated returns to the abusive relationship can cause this isolation to occur, also. Many times, people who have never experienced an abusive relationship don't understand all the dynamics that come into play, and can misinterpret what is going on when the victim returns to his/her abuser.

Low Self-Esteem: After experiencing the abuse for a prolonged period of time, the victim might start feeling s/he deserves the abuse. Depression can also come about from the lowering of the victim's self-esteem, and that can make it very difficult to become motivated to leave the abuse.

Marital beliefs: If there is a marriage present, religious beliefs about marriage being "'til death do us part" and not believing in divorce can sway someone to stay in an abusive marriage. Or, if children are present, s/he may stay because s/he feels the children need to be raised with two parents.

This is just a sampling of possible reasons for someone to want to stay in an abusive relationship. I could try to come up with more, but then I'd be using up too much bandwidth that could go for other, better posts than mine. ;)

-- Anonymous, November 30, 2001

There are many reasons as to why you stay or find yourself in these relationships. Personally I come from a family where one member commits in both abuse and drug use. I, myself do not contribute to this. We as human beings are easily deceived by the actions of others. Because you want stability and love so much you find yourself looking for it and are attracted to anyone who will give it to you. Sometimes this is a problem because people have a tendency of lying, and, in addition to this you have a low self esteem. No matter how gorgeous, or how talented you may be or how much esteem you believe you have, you don't. You are easily manipulated and get tied up into someone's "game". You need to have confidence in yourself, this is the only way you will find yourself in a positive relationship. There is no reason in the world why you don't deserve someone who will respect you and love you. Take in mind no one is perfect and being too picky may lead to never finding love. But take a couple negatives in with a mountable positives, because you deserve that, nothing less. No one has control over you but yourself. No matter what you can say no. You can leave. You can do anything. Educate yourself. Some people feel that education is not important. Education is your gateway to everything you can possibly want. Respect, money, knowledge, confidence. The list is infinite.

-- Anonymous, November 27, 2002

There are many reasons why people stay in abusive situations.A woman for example may have been rejected by her father and thus gets into the habit of rescuing males.Rescuing is all about picking out somebody that apperas to be much lesser than one self to avoid rejection.The problem is then the women ends up wearing all the problems of the person she has rescued.Her self esteem takes a battering and when she eventually leaves she goes to the next abuser because her self esteem tells her she does not deserve any better.

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2003