Tuesday, October 9, 2001
Motive of The Day
"The Oct. 2 issue of the Globe was more incendiary. In a story headlined "The Face of Evil," a former CIA agent was quoted as saying bin Laden's rage toward Americans is rooted in being ridiculed by an American woman years ago for having underdeveloped sexual organs."
— Sue Schmidt, The Washington Post
There has to be an answer. Give war a chance.!
Zip It, Meatheads: Fed up with flapping lips on Capitol Hill, W has ordered them all to put a sock in it when it comes to anything to do with the war. That ought to cut down on face time on the talk shows for the chatty solons. Apparently, war managers are having better luck with the media. Howie Kurtz tells us seventeen media outlets knew on Friday about the Sunday attack and managed to control themselves. That's step one in making up for the Clinton cover-up years.
Tabloid Turmoil: As life quickly begins to resemble a bad script writer's rejects, two supermarket tabloid employees are showing signs of possible anthrax infections. Counseling caution in a bizarrely poetic statement, Dr. Richard Levinson, deputy director of the American Public Health Association. "Two swallows do not make spring." As Andy Rooney might ask, "Who said anything about swallowing?" Still, trying to sort out why the tabloids would possibly be targeted is full time work for mainstream media.
Lost in the fuss is Igor's favorite paper of record, Weekly World News which features the adventures of his doppleganger, Bat Boy. This week Bat Boy has joined the Marines. The paper runs a picture of the half-human, half-bat taking a bite out of bin Lauden. If that wouldn't trigger a spray of anthrax, nothing will. But, for a real reason for bin Laden to be ticked, see our "Motive of the Day" above.
PB&J, Hold the Cumin: Curious about what is in those Meals-Ready-To-Eat that Peter Jennings worries we are bonking Afghani civilians on the head with, we checked with the Pentagon. Here's the menu: Each package contains Beans with Tomato Sauce, Beans and Tomato Vinaigrette, Biscuit, Fruit Pastry, Fruit Bar, Short Bread, Peanut Butter, Strawberry Jam, and utensils package including salt, pepper, napkin and a match. That's right, a match...one match. The Pentagon has no further explanation.
Shocked and Saddened: Millions of Rush Limbaugh fans listened slack jawed yesterday as he told us of his near total loss of hearing. Whatever one may think of this radio phenom's talent or abilities, there is no doubt that he has been the single most consistent champion of the conservative cause - ever - yes, ever. For that alone, our nation should revere him. God speed, Rush-bo. We will simply have to find a different way for you to hear us. We certainly will always hear you, loud and clear.
Your Locked and Loaded LComStaff
-- Anonymous, October 09, 2001