Friday, October 19, 2001

Quote of The Day

"When you decide to surrender, approach United States forces with your hands in the air. Sling your weapon across your back muzzle towards the ground. Remove your magazine and expel any rounds. Doing this is your only chance of survival." They might have added a piece of Navy Seal advice: "And whatever you do, don't run. You will only die tired!"

— U.S. instructions to Taliban forces on how to surrender.

On the left is Katie Harmon, Miss America, wearing the swimsuit she chose for the competition. On the right is a typical Afghan girl, wearing the heavy smothering burqua as required by the oppressive Taliban regime. Miss America is a junior at Portland State University, hoping to eventually get a Master's degree in Bioethics. Miss Afghanistan is forbidden from receiving any education at all, and cannot read or write.

LCom thanks to Walter Lundin

The Old and the Feckless: With their own network carrying "The Young and the Reckless," Dan Rather and Andy Heyward appeared on all others yesterday to keen about anthrax and the help. Saying he "so intensely wants to be a patriotic journalist," Dan Rather took to a stage at CBS holding a reporter's spiral notebook in his hand - in case there might be some lingering doubt - and spoke in emotional terms of his assistant's - now minor- skin rash. If one has seen today's pictures of his assistant one can understand his concern. No, indeedy - wouldn't want to lose her. Changing his open necked white shirt for an intense blue one, Rather later popped up again for an entire hour on Larry King. His presidential vocabulary undimmed by a day of patriotic journalism. Note To Terrorists: Get the Skinhead: While the nation's attention has been diverted it seems Minnesota's shaved head governor has been rapidly losing his mind. Here, Garrison Keillor wisely calls him "Larry" to keep terrorists in the dark.

A Small, Still Voice of Reason: As exhausted Hazmat teams charge around the country hosing down puffs of Tide and crushed vanilla wafers, there is one sane voice among us and Fox News (of course) is listening to him. He is Steve Milloy of the Cato Institute and publisher of JunkScience.com. If you want a clear headed, unhysterical antidote to congressional drama queens and weeping talking heads whose assistants have skin problems, check out Milloy, then go out to the mall.

Relax, Mr. binLaden, Anything We Can Get You? The government "reached out" to John Walsh of America's Most Wanted to help handle Anthrax scare calls that were swamping the system. John Walsh agreed to help but not right away. "AMW" has been pre-empted for the next few weeks for Fox's coverage of the baseball playoffs and the World Series. By the time they are back we will be on to small pox and dog breath fever and the terrorists' pillows will be nicely plumped.

TV Note: If you are staying home this weekend (and out of harm's way) try to check out C-Span's rerun of Dick Cheney's speech at the Al Smith dinner last night in New York. He had the crowd riveted. This has to be the calmest, most blood pressure lowering and adult human in public life. And, on a chick note - he looks fabulous in white tie.

Your Veep-Ogling LComStaff

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2001

Answers

>Note To Terrorists: Get the Skinhead: While the nation's attention has been diverted it seems Minnesota's shaved head governor has been rapidly losing his mind. Here, Garrison Keillor wisely calls him "Larry" to keep terrorists in the dark.

More clues. What has Jesse done lately that shows he's lost his mind, and what PHC was it that Garrison referred to him as "Larry"?

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2001

Forgot to mention--in all these Short Cuts there are hotlinks at the site - Lucianne.com, which is where I pinch most of my material.

For the Ventura story, you'll have to register at the NYT, which I refuse to do simply out of stubborn principle. Here's the snip from Lucianne.

ST. PAUL -- Here in Minnesota, our governor has gone under cover, so far as we can figure out. The governor — who I will refer to as Larry so as to throw terrorists off the trail — had a fit in New York recently when he flew there for a photo op at Ground Zero, a trip paid for by ABC-TV, which then got exclusive rights to film the governor's grief and concern. When a few Minnesota reporters questioned him on these arrangements, Larry said he would never speak to any of them ever again. Later, he amended this to say that he would speak to some of them but never with tape recorders present. Then Larry announced that his schedule of public appearances would be kept secret because he — along with the Mall of America and the Humphrey Metrodome and perhaps the statue of Paul Bunyan in Bemidji and the famous Lift Bridge in Duluth — might be high on the terrorists' list of targets. Now he has amended that to say that his press secretary will inform some of the press of what the governor is doing, but this information cannot be disseminated to the general public...

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2001

Oh! LOLOLOL. Someone e-mailed me a link to the NYT story, but even though I am a PHC addict (or at least I was until I discovered the even more addictive world of internet doomerism) I didn't want to register at NYT. Guess now I have to!!

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2001

...the rest of the NYT editorial...

The governor thus achieves four public announcements in less than a week without ever having actually done something.

The stealth governor is an innovation in politics, and Larry is the one who can make it work. He was elected to the post, after a career as a pro rassler, because he spoke plainly and plenty of people are tired of the political boilerplate. His slogan was "Retaliate in '98," which seemed to promise something new. Since his election, however, he has taken a sharp right turn away from all that and become a pretty good, quiet caretaker governor. At hands-off governance, Larry is as capable as you or I.

The problem with being a caretaker is that you have very little to show for it, no large ideas to proclaim, no triumphs to celebrate, no ribbons to cut. You're just a guy sitting in a boat in calm water and not tipping it over. After a while, people's attention wanders.

Disappearance is a great way to attract attention, to become the Garbo of governors, the Pynchon politician.

It is no great thing to stand in the governor's reception room at the state Capitol and shake hands with a delegation of 4-H'ers from Kandiyohi County. It raises the occasion to a heroic level to welcome them secretly, with the governor surrounded by highway patrolmen ready to search the 4-H'ers for pitchforks. Thus does a Midwestern governor of modest talent become part of America's war against terrorism.

Before Larry, governors of Minnesota didn't bother with security. They traveled around in a midsize car, accompanied by some young staff person to spare the Honorable the embarrassment of having to drive around and around looking for a parking space. A governor used to be a guy you'd see at University of Minnesota basketball games and walk up and say "hi" to at halftime.

When Larry ascended into office, he demanded a security detail, with round-the-clock service. And now he has introduced the idea of semi- secret public appearances. Occasionally he may show up somewhere, but suddenly, like the Masked Man of the Plains.

The logical next step for him is to leave town for the duration of the war and not tell anybody. Perhaps he already has. Perhaps Larry even now is hunkered deep in a Minuteman silo in North Dakota, sitting at a control console in front of an electronic map of all 87 counties of Minnesota, running state government via a secure telephone, secret couriers disguised as seed salesmen bringing him state papers concealed in burlap bags. We do not know.

While he's there, he could let his hair grow back and lose a few pounds so as to lessen his visibility and be able to return home for the holidays. I wish I knew where he is so I could tell him.

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2001

LOL! You can be our Official NYT cutter-and-paster!

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2001

That crack about the 87 counties. Garrison may be the only person in the world who can rattle off all of the Minnesota counties in alphabetical order. One of those useless things he taught himself to do as a kid.

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2001

LOL! Thanks!

-- Anonymous, October 19, 2001