Signs Of The Times

Veterinarian's Office sign: "All unattended children will be given a free kitten"

Plumber's Shop: "We repair what your husband fixed."

Pizza Shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a Plastic Surgeon's Office: "Let us help pick your nose."

Sign at the Psychic's Hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."

At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

On an Electrician's Business: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a Veterinarian's Office: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"

In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room Door:

"Push, Push, Push."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's Office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a fence: "Salesmen Welcome: Dog food is expensive."

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."

Inside a Bowling Alley:

"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a Counselor's Office:

"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional."

Lot outside Veterinarian's Office: "Parking for Customers Only, all others will be Neutered

-- (hee@hee.hee), November 01, 2001

Answers

If AOL made cars

The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.

The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player{tm}.

The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.

The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.

AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.

Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.

The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lotsa pretty colors and lights.

The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.

Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months. (been there!)

If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.

The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.

AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.

AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.

It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.

It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.

AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.

AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.

Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "good- bye."

-- (hee@hee.hee), November 02, 2001.

LOL!

-- David L (bumpkin@dnet.net), November 02, 2001.

THE BIG SHOT

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details. "

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."

-- (hee@hee.hee), November 07, 2001.

Yer funny!

-- Uncle Deedah (unkeeD@yahoo.com), November 07, 2001.

A Lady calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started".

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger".

"Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

-- Pammy (pamela_sue57@hotmail.com), November 07, 2001.

LMAO!

Rollin' on the floor...

The Dog

-- The Dog (dogdesert@hotmail.com), November 07, 2001.

George W. Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush andPowell?" The barman says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"

And Bush says, "We're planning World War III" And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

And Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman." And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!" So Bush turns to Powell and says, " See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Afghans!"

-- (hee@hee.hee), November 08, 2001.

For a little George Bush and Colin Powell duet about Osama:

Kick Osama's ass

-- Pammy (pamela_sue57@hotmail.com), November 08, 2001.

Three men were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beep sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.

"That's my pager, he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes, he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper sticking out of his ass. The others raise their eyebrows.

"I'm getting a fax," he explains.

-- Debra (I@love.laughter), November 08, 2001.

ROTF!

-- helen (milk@out.the.nose), November 08, 2001.

Now that was funny!

-- Pammy (lol@lol.lol), November 08, 2001.

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A YANKEE IF....

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside." 2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY! 3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits. 5. You don't know what a moon pie is. 6. You've never had of an RC cola. 7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled. 8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork. 9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips. 10.You have no idea what a polecat is. 11.You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle. 12.You don't have bangs. 13.You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags. 14.More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut. 15.You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show. 16.Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women. 17.You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent. 18.You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show. 19.You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach. 20.You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house. 21.The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp to the highway. 22.You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores. 23.The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus in Dallas. 24.You call binoculars opera glasses. 25.You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping. 26.You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt. 27.You don't know what applique is. 28.You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, etc.) 29.You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one. 30.You've never been to a craft show. 31.You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you. 32.You can do your own laundry without quarters. 33.None of your fur coats are homemade. 34.Two of your sisters may be virgins.

35.Basic skoolin is Readin, Writin, and what-cha-ma-call-it. Not filosophie!

36.Men folks don't wear dresses at a drag race. 37.Bacon grease is a safe lard substitute. Did you know that ?

-- (hee@hee.hee), November 09, 2001.

Osama Bin Laden phoned President Bush. "I had a dream about the United states," he says. "I could see your country, and over every building and home here's a banner," says Bin Laden.

"What's on the banner?" asks Mr. Bush.

"LONG LIVE OSAMA BIN LADEN!" answered the terrorist.

"I'm so glad that you called" says President Bush, "because I too had a dream. In my dream, I saw Afghanistan and it was more beautiful than ever; totally rebuilt with many tall, gleaming office buildings, large residential homes with swimming pools full of men, women and children; and over every building and home there's a big, beautiful banner."

"What does the banner say?" asks Bin Laden.

"I don't know" answers President Bush, "I can't read Hebrew"

-- Pammy (pamela_sue57@hotmail.com), November 09, 2001.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your childs name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom. Your obsession is alcohol. Like the others, your obsession manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At that point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "come on Dick, let's go."

-- Debra (:o)@:o).com), November 09, 2001.

29 Reasons Why You Might Want To Sign Off and Read a Book

1. Tech support calls YOU for help.

2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control. 3. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs. 4. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.

5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes. 6. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."

7. A friend calls and says, "How are you? Your phones have been busy" -- for a year! 8. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car. 9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can "hang out."

10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza. 11. You've gone to an unstaffed AOL room to give tech support. 12. You say "he, he, he, he" or "heh, heh, heh" instead of laughing. 13. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said. 14. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep. 15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to. 16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy. 17. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online for a while. 18. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this...."BRB. Leave your S/N and I^ll TTYL ASAP". 19. You sit on AOL for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on. 20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee. 21. You end your sentences with.....three or more periods....... 22. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it. 23. You think faster than the computer.

24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and **kisses**. 25. Being called a "newbie" is a major insult to you. 26. You're on the phone and say BRB. 27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.

28. "Where did the time go?"

29. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of- life!

-- (hee@hee.hee), November 10, 2001.

MALE LIFE CYCLE

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now I'm 47 and am looking for a girl with really big tits.

-- (hee@hee.hee), November 12, 2001.

It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me liberty or give me deatth ?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! Who said, 'Government of the people, by the people and for the people, shall not perish from the earth.'?"
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863?" said a tentative Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the room full of children, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, known more about its history than you do.
"She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japanese."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up again. "Lee Iococca, 1982," he replied.
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."The teacher glared at the class, "All right! Now who said that?"
And again Suzuki answers, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton!. To Monica Lewinsky, 1997!
Now with almost a mob hysteria taking over the classroom someone said, "You little shit, if you say anything else I will personally have you killed!
Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice: "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001!"
The teacher fainted.

-- (hee@hee.hee), November 12, 2001.

USA Today informs me that mid-life is now 35.5 years. In honor of this, I offer the following:

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear end without turning around. Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and realize that it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless on film.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top. And scream "Listen honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those will, too!"

Mid-life brings with it the wisdom to know that life throws us curves & we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks??"In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact, the only thing we can still retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally...more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? But, mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand, and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had back then? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all of the wisdom and love we've acquired ...that's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it! I'm not sure if this works or not. This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds during the day.

BREAKFAST: 1 grapefruit, 1 slice whole-wheat toast, 1 cup skim milk

LUNCH: 1 small portion lean steamed chicken with a cup of spinach, 1 cup herbal tea, 1 Hershey's Kiss

AFTERNOON TEA: The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag, 1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate-chip topping

DINNER: 4 glasses of wine (red or white), 2 loaves garlic bread,1 family size Supreme pizza, 3 Snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK : 1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts."

-- =) (cin@cin.cin), December 07, 2001.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row row row your boat.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.



-- (hee@hee.hee), December 10, 2001.

Press Release: The New Holiday Barbie's

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large- print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's times to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do".

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting in Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

-- (hee@hee.hee), December 10, 2001.

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." - Conan O'Brien

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." - Lewis Grizzard

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul Rodriguez

"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress...But I repeat myself." - Mark Twain

"Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams

Advice for the day: If you have a lot a tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children"

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." - Drew Carey

-- Maria (anon@ymous.com), December 10, 2001.

It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775." he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?

Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863", said Suzuki

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

-- Eve (eve_rebekah@yahoo.com), December 12, 2001.

**All I Need to Know I Learned From a Snowman**

* It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy. * Hold your ground, even when the heat is on. * Wearing white is always appropriate. * Winter is the best of the four seasons. * It takes a few extra rolls to make a good mid-section. * There's nothing better than a foul weather friend. * The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul. * We're all made up of mostly water. * You know you've made it when they write a song about you. * Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize! * Avoid yellow snow. * Don't get too much sun. * It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet. * It's fun to hang out in your front yard. * There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.

~Author Unknown~

-- Peg (pegmc@mediaone.net), December 12, 2001.

Oops..sorry 'bout the format :o

It looked just fine when I hit submit!

-- Peg (I h@te. when that happens..grrr), December 12, 2001.

I've always loved this one, and after all of the discussion about vegetarianism and health, I thought it would be fun to dig it back out. : )

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald s brought forth the 79- cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained five pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds.

And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"

And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did. And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.

And God brought forth Weight-watchers. It didn't help. And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit.

And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from man in the property settlement. It didn't help her, either.

-- Pammy (pamela_sue57@hotmail.com), December 12, 2001.

Fourteen Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse is taking his or her sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in only if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

10. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

11. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

12. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

and last but not least,

14. Go into a fitting room and yell loudly, "Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!"

-- (hee@hee.hee), December 17, 2001.