What? WHAT!!!!!!???

Youse guys gotta help me here. I mean, I am in the doghouse, big time. And for absolutely NO reason, either.

You see, I got up in the wee hours last night. Couldn’t sleep, so I thought I’d read a bit. Well, when I came back to bed, I was a little chilled, so I kinda snuggled up to the old missus, you know. Later, I told her, “you were sleeping so nice, I put my arm over you, and you breathed so deep and snored so loud, I dreamed I was playing the bagpipes at the Edinburgh Military Tattoo”.

I mean, what’s wrong with that? Edinburgh is in Scotland, right, and Scotland has castles and ghosts, and romantic stuff that they all read about in those little steamy novels they like, right?

Well, like I say, I’m in it now, and need your help. Please vote for one of the choices below and help me understand just where I stand, and if I should seriously consider any of the medical procedures my wife mentioned in her reply.

Vote for either:

A) You are a despicable and insensitive lout, and probably do things like scratch yourself in public and light kitchen matches on your teeth. You have most likely put your poor wife through years of public humiliation and torment, and should be drowned in a bucket of warm spit. Then your bloated body should be paraded throughout town, with the TV remote hung about your neck like a sacrificial albatross. Please give your long suffering spouse my heartfelt condolences.

(my wife helped me write that one), or:

2) As a normal male primate of advanced age, you are undoubtedly struggling with the stresses of the socioeconomic and societal ramifications associated with your particular sexuality niche. You obviously have a delusional and although well-meaning, inflated concept of your romantic viability. It is also apparent that you are failing in your attempts to access and act upon the subtle nuances that are our guideposts in human relationships. In the future, you must strive to be attuned to the emotional and self-assuring issues of the various members of your familial grouping. And give your wife my condolences.

or, and this one is my personal favorite, you can vote for:

D) Hell, boy, you are one of the good guys. Why, your old lady should be plumb tickled to serve your every need. You’re a man’s man, a prince of a guy, a beacon to the ships of mankind, and the hope and heartblood of womankind. Go, get comfy on the couch in your underwear, turn on the game, and tell the wench to fetch a plate of ribs and a cold six-pack, boy, you got a day-off comin’ to ya’! Oh, and if’n it’s OK, I’m gonna name my next kid/gandkid/coonhound pup after you.

So, there it is; tell me what you think. Just remember that all negative responses will be noted for future anonymous retribution.

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-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), November 11, 2001

Answers

Lon:

Later, I told her, “you were sleeping so nice, I put my arm over you, and you breathed so deep and snored so loud, I dreamed I was playing the bagpipes at the Edinburgh Military Tattoo”.

Are you sure that was your wife and not the dog? Ol'folks make those kind of mistakes. ;))

Compare your wife to what has been described as the sound of the dead screaming from the grave. I can see trouble a'brewing heyeere. ;))

Best Wishes,,,,

Z

-- Z1X4Y7 (Z1X4Y7@aol.com), November 11, 2001.

Pammy votes for number 2.

(She should have smacked you.) ;)

-- Pammy (pamela_sue57@hotmail.com), November 11, 2001.

She probably did... (snicker)

bootin' the dog to the couch...

The Dog

-- The Dog (dogdesert@hotmail.com), November 11, 2001.

I agree with Pammy. #2.

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), November 11, 2001.

Perhaps I should have made it plainer that choice #2 would be considered a "negative" response.

I mean, c'mon guys, I'm die'n here! I expected Unk and the Dog at least to come in with resounding votes for #D. I shudder to think how the scales will turn when helen and cin weigh in with their votes.

However, I did take the missus out to the big flea market today (relax, Dog, it's just an expression), and let her buy a small truckload of decorating junk and old books. We got enough fancy birdhouses to put up the entire Canadian avian population 'till next June, and old rusty buckets, and weather vanes, and wooden chickens, and dried weeds, and, and, ....well, you get the idea. So, anyway, there is a glimmer of hope that I will get to sleep in the house tonight, afterall. (no thanks to y'all!!)

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-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), November 11, 2001.

Lon,

Freudian slips are expensive to rectify...

Scootin' over to let Lon in the doghouse...

The Dog

-- The Dog (dogdesert@hotmail.com), November 11, 2001.

You may get to sleep in the house, but I bet it's on the couch. ;)

-- Pammy (couches@can.be fun too, but in your case, I don't think you're getting any), November 11, 2001.

Lon,

I think "Honey, I love you and I did not mean to hurt your feelings...please forgive me if I have" should be all that you have to say. Unless of course she is hormonal; in which case, add chocolate. See I'm not a total bitch. =)

-- (cin@cin.cin), November 11, 2001.

Lon:

And as cin, I am sure, forgot to say; a nice grilled choice grade ribeye, medium rare with mushroom sauce.

Sorry Cin, couldn't help myself. :o)).

Best Wishes,,,,,

Z

-- Z1X4Y7 (Z1X4Y7@aol.com), November 11, 2001.

Yer bad Z! Somebody smack Z for me, he's too far away.

I actually dreamed lastnight that I was eating pieces of steak. EW I feel so violated

-- (cin@cin.cin), November 11, 2001.

No Z, ladies often like their ribeyes rare, and personally I prefer bernaise as opposed to mushroom sauce, unless it is steak au poivre. And perhaps Lon, throwing in a white chocolate raspberry cheesecake, homemade of course, would ease the household tension. Just a thought! That in addition to the phrase "I must have been dreaming honey, I am SO sorry, do forgive my delusion! What was I thinking?" Then AFTER she forgives you, you humbly genuflect, then you can get back to the comfy couch, the cold brewski (which you have yourself FECTCHED), and THEN watch the game of your choice in comfort (though not in your shorts, if it is THAT cold!). Just an anonymous (LOL) suggestion for ya!

-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), November 11, 2001.

Ok, let me see if I understand what you did:

You woke your wife up in the wee hours of the morning for sex? And she let you live? What are you whining about?

-- helen (them@days.is.over), November 11, 2001.

Dang Helen, doncha have any sense of adventure in that department?

-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), November 11, 2001.

Aunt Bee, every f***ing moment of my life is an adventure...and it's not even FUN adventure, nothing to seek out on vacation or anything...sniffle...

-- helen (keep@it.to.yerself.buster), November 11, 2001.

Time and money, that's all there is to it. And let this be a lesson to you. Don't think out loud!

As far as option D goes, I believe that you would have to convert to Islam first as you are obviously trying to describe Paradise, minus the seventy virgins.

-- Jack Booted Thug (governmentconspiracy@NWO.com), November 11, 2001.

"You woke your wife up in the wee hours of the morning for sex?"

Oh helen, you DO have such a talent for writing fiction! Besides, the missus says that's illegal in seven states, and with the state she's in, I wouldn't dare!

Thanks to all for your answers, but we have decided to get professional counselling and try to resolve our differences arising from this situation. We have applied to be guests on the Jerry Springer show.

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-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), November 12, 2001.

Surely to God the offerings of trinkets, bobbles and whatnots at the flea market were enough to cause a memory flux and restore your good graces! When bribery of this proportion doesn't work "Houston, we have problems", say it ain't so Lon.This surely can't be a trend that will spread throughout the land, I mean come on!!! just when I have her convinced that those plastic poker chips ( no pun intended ) are worth their weight in TJ Maxx merchandise if earned by being REALLY nice to the good capn, the whole deal is goin to hell in a handbag?

I'm devastated......wait.....I've still got those wooden nickels : )

-- capnfun (capnfun1@excite.com), November 12, 2001.

Lon, I think you need to take the following test (Am I sensitive enough?):

What do you say if your Sweetie says "Honey, I'm worried about our relationship, and we need to talk."

A. "Sit down sweetheart, I'm all ears."

B. "Sweetie, if it concerns you, it concerns me."

C. "I can't believe the fucking Jets run a draw on 3rd and 13."

-- Peter Errington (petere7@starpower.net), November 12, 2001.

Peter, I got the following email today:

HER SIDE OF THE STORY:

He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than promised, but he didn't say anything about it.

The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.

So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything.

We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.

Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But he still seemed really distracted so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.

His Side of the Story:

The Yankees Lost. Got Laid though.

-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), November 12, 2001.

Lon: Now that we've all teased you so badly that you want to hide in a hole, I'll confess to a similar blooper, although perhaps 13 years ago.

I think that SO and I have only lived together for 14 years, so 13 years ago was still during that "honeymoon" period. He knew exactly how to get me into a wet dish-rag state, where I'd fall asleep and not wake up for anything. I tend to sleep on my stomach, so snoring isn't a problem, although TALKING is, if I get even the slightest bump at night. He's stopped telling me what I talk about in my sleep. It never made any sense to either of us, and I'm happy he's stopped discussing it, although he still chuckles at it.

Anyway, 13 years or so ago, I awakened for some reason and he wasn't in the bed. I rolled over and spotted him passing the bedroom door. He was naked, except he was wearing a hat. He NEVER wears hats. I can't even remember where that hat came from. He was SKULKING...like the pink panther skulks. I could even hear the music..."doop, de doop, de doopie doopie doop de doop de doo." Heh.

So, either that night when he returned to bed or the next morning, I asked him why he was skulking around the house naked in a hat. He refused to tell me why [and was OBVIOUSLY embarrassed that I'd seen him doing this.] I said, "Okay. I'll ask you again after 10 years." Time's up on this one [by several years.] What would YOU do, Lon?

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), November 12, 2001.

Time's up, Lon. I already E-mailed SO, told him that I thought he was simply in a silly mood and that there was absolutely NO other reason for skulking around the house naked in a hat. [Heh. I might just try this tonight to see how it feels.] Anyway, I ALSO told him that I reserve the right to ask again in 10 years.

I trust that this is the opposite of what you would have done, which means I'm safe.

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), November 13, 2001.

Be careful Anita it's addictive and just a hair away from a life of closet nudism and nekkid hat skulking.

-- capnfun (capnfun1@excite.com), November 13, 2001.

Getting woken up in the middle of the night for sex is the best time, relaxed in a half sleep, the tiredness of the day passed, kinda like a warm caccoon with a warm body next to you. I like to do it that way, no stresses ans in a half dream state without the possibility outside interfearing, (unless one of the kids has ESP and wakes up knowing they need you). Beats going to bed, stressed and tired from the day, once those stresses have dropped away with sleep, only the relaxed, warm, physically comfortable need to come together, slowly, able to take all the time in the world. And even be able to go back to sleep until morning with such a good frome of mind..and body.

-- Cherri (jessam5@home.com), November 14, 2001.

Thanks, Cherri. I'll send him over.

-- helen (never@enough.sleep), November 14, 2001.