Telegraph

Topsy-turvy turbans ruled out by Omar By Alex Spillius (Filed: 22/11/2001)

IN a typically eccentric rallying cry to his Taliban forces, Mullah Mohammed Omar has issued an edict to his officials and soldiers demanding that they wear their turbans straight.

Turbans, which the Taliban require all men to wear or face a beating, are not be worn to one side or too far back, he ruled. To do so is "vulgar and un-Islamic".

The 42-year-old spiritual leader of the fanatical Islamic movement issued the notice after receiving reports that topsy-turvy turbans were becoming commonplace, said officials at Spin Boldak, a town in Taliban-held Afghanistan a few miles across the border from Pakistan.

The notice is posted on a board at a branch of the foreign ministry and all other government offices.

It is written in Pashtu, his native language, and signed personally, "Mullah Mohammed Omar, Amir-ul-momineen", or king of all believers.

It declares: "You should strictly adopt the Islamic law of the Prophet Mohammed, Peace Be Upon Him, in every aspect of life including dress, especially the turban. Wearing the turban crooked is not acceptable to the sunnah (laws on dress and demeanour). For 1,400 years we have been wearing beard and turbans. Some people say these are new things but it is not true."

The edict is typical of the leader's sometimes eccentric but always authoritarian Islamic zeal.

His notorious bans on leather jackets, white paper bags (in case they were made with pages of the Koran), music and kite-flying still apply in provinces under Taliban control.

Mullah Omar, who founded the Taliban, or students, in 1993, has always held complete command over the militia by a mixture of erratic, quasi-mystical announcements, unwillingness to compromise and his credibility as a man of stringent faith.

-- Anonymous, November 21, 2001

Answers

"I'm sorry, Mr. American Soldier With A Gun, I must stop running now to adjust my turban, please don't shoot!" Who's crazier, Omar, or his followers?

-- Anonymous, November 21, 2001

White paper bags (in case they were made with pages of the Koran)??

-- Anonymous, November 22, 2001

Not all Muslims are so persnikety about their turbans.

I read some years ago of a contest of international Elvis imitators, featuring such tponotch talents as El Vez (from Mexico). Someone from the Middle East (I think he may have won) stopped the show by belting out a song he had written:

"Don't want gin, don't want bourbon. All I want to do is shake my turban."

Killjoy Omar would have shit a brick, I'm sure.

-- Anonymous, November 22, 2001

You think Omar will have a Blue Christmas?

-- Anonymous, November 22, 2001

I hope the son of a bitch has no Christmas. If we don't nail him before Christmas, I'll be sorely disappointed.

-- Anonymous, November 22, 2001