Only the Brits....

Thanks for the mammaries...

HAVING trouble keeping your nipples erect? One quick squirt from a can of hairspray and you're in business.

Apparently it works, although not all readers may harbour the desire to walk around with permanently erect nipples. That is except, of course, those planning a career as a Page Three girl for the London tabloid The Sun where erect nipples, as Page Three model Karen White will tell you, are de rigueur.

Interviewed by Elle McFeast in Elle McFeast: Sex Cells, Karen admits that she has never actually resorted to the old hairspray-on-the-nipples trick but has heard that it works an absolute treat.

Karen prefers to achieve the desired erectile state by giving her extremities a quick tweak, a technique she demonstrates by whipping off her top and displaying what could only be described as an exceedingly handsome chest.

Even Elle seems impressed.

Sex Cells is another McFeast quasi-documentary, this one set in London and exploring her contention that the English are obsessed with sex.

The good news, apart from Karen's amazing mammaries, is that Elle doesn't try to be the world's funniest person as she has attempted to do in previous TV outings.

She is, instead, prepared to ad lib along the way, allowing the interviewees to get more than two words in and allowing the program, such as it is, to unfold.

The result is an hour of froth, bubble and boobs that bounces along like the contents of Karen's T-shirt.

"The British are obsessed with sex," shrieks Elle, in the centre of London.

"We can't find any so much," complains an exceedingly ugly foreign gentleman with a shaved head as he eyes Elle's substantial figure with undisguised lust.

Aussie singer Tina Arena agrees with Elle that the Poms are obsessed with sex. She puts it down to the awful weather and the fact that people are obliged to spend a lot of time indoors.

The result? "Lots of shagging," says Tina.

Elle does a photo shoot with a Page Three photographer, her make-up being done by an attractive woman by the name of Jamelah who confesses that she has just had her breasts enlarged. No doubt about it -- Jamelah got her money's worth.

If you were wondering, then the answer is no, Elle doesn't take her top off so there's no need to send the kiddies from the room and cover the budgie's cage.

It's all fast-moving, lightweight fun which uses sex to sell a program on the selling power of sex and which proves that less of Elle is more.

-- Anonymous, November 28, 2001

Answers

Carl, I can't believe that I'm about to touch this one.....

Here goes.....

So will going outside with -5 wind chill with no bra or coat!

apoc

-- Anonymous, November 28, 2001

Don't believe I am going to share this one, either...

at the age of 28, I won a wet tee-shirt contest ...46 other girls, most of them were college girls!!! And I didn't need ANY hairspray!!!!

-- Anonymous, November 28, 2001

Still hard to beat good old-fashioned lust, though....

-- Anonymous, November 28, 2001

(•)(•) <-------26° and a brisk north wind works well. So does unbridled passion. ;-)

-- Anonymous, November 29, 2001

At my age, unbridled passion is Sweetie getting my warmies out of the microwave.

-- Anonymous, November 29, 2001

unbridled passion, mentioned three times, and no horsing around jokes?

-- Anonymous, November 29, 2001

Giddy-up!

-- Anonymous, November 29, 2001

Brooke, that's bridaled passion... like this...

Also called pony play, and of course a riding crop is an important accessory...

And for that added realism, the tail, I'm not going to explain how it's attached...

Hey SARO, got any pictures?

-- Anonymous, November 29, 2001

Good heavens! Stop that, this minute! All of you--go to your rooms!

-- Anonymous, November 29, 2001

If I had posted those pictures she would have deleted them.

LOL

-- Anonymous, November 29, 2001

That's because you know better. These poor benighted souls don't know any better. If they did, they'd post it, lolololol!

-- Anonymous, November 29, 2001

You all would enjoy hanging out in the Short North district of Cols, it seems. . .

-- Anonymous, November 29, 2001

Who's a poor benighted soul? I was just pointing out Brooke and Barefoot's faux pas re unbridled vs bridled.... :(

-- Anonymous, November 29, 2001

What the hell...?

-- Anonymous, November 29, 2001

helen, as long as you have showed up, I recall you had a listing somewhere of all the cyber icons for breast times, like Brooke's (•) (•) above. Is that something you could retrieve for us??

-- Anonymous, November 29, 2001

And just why would anyone think MOI would keep a list of breast icons...?

( @ Y @ )

-- Anonymous, November 29, 2001

sorry Carl, no pictures of that, first husband disposed of alot of pics.

now, riding crops, those I got...long ones, short ones, think ones skinny ones, and a ......bull whip. ask me what I do with them????

go ahead, ASK me!!!!!

I tie twine on the ends of them, and play with the kitties!!!!

You didn't think I'd HIT my horses.... did you????!!!!!

oh, the bull whip...I just got that to practice "craking the whip" when I want DAN to do some home improvements round here!!!! ;)

-- Anonymous, November 29, 2001

(o)(o) perfect breasts

( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) high nipple breasts

(@)(@) big nipple breasts

oo a cups

{ O }{ O } d cups

(oYo) wonder bra breasts

( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts

(Q)(O) pierced breast

\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts

( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts

|o||o| android breasts

($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts

-- Anonymous, November 30, 2001

From the above table, that would make Helen's example big-nippled wonder-bra breasts, I believe...

-- Anonymous, November 30, 2001