I am 27 years old and I have been married for two wonderful years. I grew up in the country, however my wife and I have been renting in a small town since we have been married. We recently have started house shopping. I love the country, and would like to move back to the country. She does not want to live so far away from shopping malls, grocery stores, hospitals, etc. How do I convince her that living in the country is far more better of a place to raise children, follow our dreams and grow old together. This may seem like a dumb question but any feedback would be greatly appreciated. *** I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas and I wish you a Happy New Year. *** Thank you, Jason

-- Jason (jasash@juno.com), December 26, 2001

Answers

Response to Can you ladies out there help me?

Hi Jason. There is no such thing as the perfect place, so you both may have to make some compromises here. City living does not have to be all bad--there are also lots of nice things going on that those living more in the country will never be exposed to. You can still have a homestead state of mind even in the city.

Also, while the country has its advantages, it has disadvantages also (there is crime in the country too, people seemingly shooting guns at all hours of the day or night, etc.)

One solution is to maybe live in the boonies, but let your wife have a month's worth of "vacation" in the big city, or wherever she would like to go. That might be an acceptable compromise.

Your wife does have a point about being close to things--for example, you might want to be within 1 hour or less of a major airport if you like to travel. Speaking from experience, that is about as much of a drive as your friends will practically put up with (or you in a reverse situation). (smile).

Being close or not to a hospital or adequate medical (meaning up-to- date) facilities may mean the difference between life and death, particularly for those with severe health problems (or just a bad car crash). This also applies to health insurance as well--not so many choices in the country.

Lots of things to consider, from both sides of the equation. Good Luck.

-- GT (nospam@nospam.com), December 26, 2001.

Response to Can you ladies out there help me?

Dear Jason:

It is possible to have it all. We live on 10 wonderful acres and have a nice home. And in 10 minutes you have access to at least four grocery stores, a large shopping mall, and Walmart, etc.

Of course, some of the others are talking about compromising, which is good, too. But personally, I think, if you look carefully, you'll find some acreage very close to city style living, too.

Best of luck,

She

-- Sheila Lutz (glutz43@alltell.net), December 26, 2001.

I would ask her if she would try it for 5 years and promise that if she didn't like it you would move to where she wants to go.

-- diane (gardiacaprines@yahoo.com), December 26, 2001.

We live 90 miles from the one of the largest metropolitan areas in Texas. Our children went to a small school in a small town; the graduating classes here range from 30 to 45 or so. One of the very major benefits of rural life is the opportunity the students have of participating in a wider number of extra-curricular activities. This sounds paradoxical, as you may think that small schools can offer less. Well, perhaps we don't have a choir or a soccer team, but the students get to participate in EVERYTHING.

In large schools, because of the greater numbers of students trying out for activites, there are children who do not have the opportunity to play football, be in the high school play, etc. Here, any boy who wants to plays football. Any girl who will show up for practice makes the volleyball team.

My older son played football, baseball, basketball, tennis, and ran track. He was on the debate team, was in the high school play, played the trombone. He competed in academic competitions. He was valedictorian of his class, which got his first year of college paid for by the state. He is an Eagle Scout. (Our community has the highest number of Eagle Scouts in the state.)

My younger son played football (and now plays for the University of Texas) and golf (went to regionals twice.) He ran track, winning the 400 at district and going to regionals. He competed in editorial writing, persuasive speaking, and debate, going to State in debate.

If your kids go to a rural school, you don't have to shell out the bucks for gymnastics classes, etc. They have all the opportunities they can schedule at school. Yes, there were days, especially during One Act Play rehearsal season, that they left the house before 6 in the morning, and didn't return till 8 in the evening, but the richness of their educational experiences has stood them in good stead.

Culture? We take them places. We go to plays, the ballet, the symphony in nearby towns. During high school summers, my older son went to "Shake Hands with Your Future" at Texas Tech in Lubbock, where he studied photography, writing, astronomy. The younger one went to track camp at UT. We got them both involved in HOBY (Hugh O'Brian Youth Leadership), and they went to camps. They both went on trips with Student Ambassadors. The older one to Russia soon after communism fell, and the younger one to Australia and New Zealand. These activities are available by scholarship if funds are tight.

Taxes are lower here, crime is lower. (In response to a previous post, there aren't folks shooting guns all hours.) Insurance rates are lower. We don't live in some neighborhood that has "deed restrictions" telling us how our front yard should look or that we can't have a clothes line outside in the back yard.

I grew up in a large town, and we lived in one till the kids were about 2 and 4. Would I go back? NEVER!!!

-- Rose (open_rose@hotmail.com), December 26, 2001.

Jason: Something to think about may be looking around the small town where You live for a house with a few acres to rent,with maby an option to buy. If there isnt anything close put an add in the paper and describe what You are looking for. Dont make a mistake and move way away from everything (friends,Family,Job ect)until You are sure the country living is for BOTH of you or You may find yourself alone on the place. God Bless and have a Safe and Happy Holidays

-- Charles Steen (Xbeeman412@aol.com), December 26, 2001.

I agree with Sheila....you can have it both ways. We have 6.6 secluded acres hiding down an 800 foot driveway. Every kind of wild critter come through here, and we can have our own livestock and gardens....yet we're no more than 15 minutes from anything we could possibly need.( I had the same problem with my guy) Keep looking and good luck!

-- Sue (sulandherb@aol.com), December 26, 2001.

My husband and I are the same but it is myself that likes the country and he who likes the city. So we have a house town and 9 acres for me 5 miles from the house. I can go out and camp, cut firewood, deer hunt and just feel free. He likes it out there to but dose not want to live 2 miles down a gravle road. LOL We have the best of both worlds and he says somday we will build a cabin out there so when I want to spend time out there he can go and still watch tv LOL. You know the world just might come to a end if we don't have tv for a couple of days hahaaaaa he is so funny. The point of going out there for me is to get away from the noise so I like not have a tv. Take care and good luck.

-- Teresa (c3ranch@socket.net), December 26, 2001.

The quieter clean air thing didn't wash? How about the grow your own food, keep a pet horse goat cow sheep.......??? Investment property concept? All I know is before we got married I'd pick up my fiance at her city home and drive a half hour to the mall with her. After we were married we'd go shopping and it took a half hour to get there. The only difference was it was a nicer drive. Now the city has grown it only takes 10 minutes of driving to go shopping. Maybe your wife hates hiway driving?

-- Ross (amulet@istar.ca), December 26, 2001.

It was my husband who didn't want to live in the boonies. We compromised by buying a house with an acre of land in the country just half a mile off of a highway. His commute is 20 minutes, which he LOVES! It's so much QUICKER than his city time commute, even if it is longer! In time, he has come to appreciate the large sizes of the lots out here because, in his words, he doesn't have to listen everytime the neighbors have an arguement! I want more land, but he doesn't really want to move so I am keeping my eyes on the bank account in the hopes of putting a down payment on a larger parcel of land faarther out. After all, if he can commute to his job in town, I can surely commute to my job raising veggies in the country, yes?

-- Terri (hooperterri@prodigy.net), December 26, 2001.

We live a good way from the nearest town - 17 miles. Doesn't sound far but on mountain roads, it's a 45 minute drive. My kitchen sink is in front of a double wide window and when I look out, I'm looking at busy bird feeders, a large garden, woods, a field and the next mountain ridge. I don't see any roads, houses, or power lines. We can open windows, in good weather, and catch the breezes 24 hours a day - with no fear of someone climbing through one to rob us. Most of the time we don't even lock our doors. We do have neighbors and we are all very aware of what's going on out here. We get to know neighbor's cars by their sounds and a strange vehicle really catches attention.

While canning is a LOT of work during garden season, the satisfaction of all that canned food is very, very satisfying year round. We've found that being this far from town has worked to save us money. We've started baking our own bread, the easy way. A breadmachine mixes and kneads it, then we let it rise in a loaf pan and bake it in the oven. We try many different bread recipies and really enjoy most of them. We also joined a buying club that orders every other month and now get our staples in bulk - everything from flour to laundry detergent. Savings are tremendous!

I have what the docs tell us is a "serious" health problem. Last month I had a BIG problem and had to get to a hospital fast. We called 911 to get the ambulance headed toward us, got in the car and took off. We'd asked the ambulance to meet us half way but when they arrived, we weren't there. So, they kept coming and as soon as they saw our emergency flashers, they stopped and in a flash I was in the ambulance. The narrow mountain road was completely blocked both ways by our car and the ambulance. Cars simply stopped and waited. Not a horn blared. Someone was in trouble and everyone was patient - could be them needing this consideration next time!

The men and women who crew our emergency services are very aware of the special problems in rural living. They really study and train hard because they know the skills they develop mean the difference between life and death at times. Can't tell you how much I admire, respect and deeply appreciate these people! Obviously, they sure kept me going.

Our values have changed some. This far from the hustle and bustle of town, we have time to think long and hard about all sorts of different things. We are much more part of each other's lives because we help each other with many things. Our relationship has grown tremendously!

We still make a couple of trips to town a week, for one reason or another. But we plan ahead much more than we did before since running into town for a loaf of bread or a take out pizza involves such a chunk of time.

Neighbors are wonderful! We count on each other when things go wrong. And we help each other. One neighbor recently had a huge batch of apples to be turned into applesauce. We had a wonderful visit while working up the apples. And I have a "share" of the applesauce in my pantry now. We've helped bring in and put up strawberries, cherries, green beans and other things. When I had to spend some time in the hospital, neighbors took care of our dog and cats and kept a close eye on our home for us.

I took up spinning because of one neighbor and buy fleece right off the sheep from another neighbor. I spend an afternoon with one or another of these interesting and fun women quite often. I don't know of any way to place a money value on having neighbors like we do.

Kids out here experience a world no city child ever knows. They seem to have a firm grasp on reality that no school can teach. They also have a respect for the natural world, and keeping it healthy, too. They learn responsibility early and they also learn respect.

No way I'd willingly move back to the city! If you'd like, have your wife email me.

-- Carol - in Virginia (carollm@rockbridge.net), December 26, 2001.

I grew up in a small town, waited impatiently for graduation and college so I could get the heck out hicksville and hit the big city. Ended up in Phoenix for 3 years and 2 years ago moved back to an even smaller town than where I grew up. And actually we live on 36 acres outside of town. Nothing in the world could move me back to a city, or even back in town. What don't I miss about the city: traffic, parking, pollution, keeping up with the Jones', too many acquaintances-not enough friends, noise, confined quarters, no garden, nosy neighbors, and the 60 hour a week job to pay for all those pleasures. Everything is so much more relaxed in the country. Our 'quality' time now is walking through the woods, working on little projects like the chicken coop, gardening and sitting by a fire by the pond. I always related country life to camping - and I DON'T camp. Even now my idea of roughing it is a Motel 6. It's amazing for me how many new interests I've gained from moving out of the city, too. Good luck to you. I hope you can work out a compromise with your wife, and I hope she can find the peace of mind I have found. Stace

-- Stacey (stacey@lakesideinternet.com), December 26, 2001.

Well, first dont force her into the country. It will only hurt the both of you. How far are we talking about in not only miles but time from the country and city? I live in a rural area 50 miles from work, takes about 45 minutes and is almost all interstate. I have co workers who live in town and spend almost an hour driving to work. Closer but due to the traffic patterns takes longer.

When we move to the small town my wife was a big shoppers, Luckly not a buyer, just a window shopper. We had 5 large grocery stores within a mile of us. It took about 6 months to get into pattern to plan trips to the mall/grocery a little better. A large chain grocery is 15 miles away, the local town has a small store but a bit expensive. If you planned properly then going to get all you need at the grocery store was easy. Same for the mall, she just plans he day a little different.

I do agree it can be a better place to raise a child. I would say its not a safter or sheilding place, but a better. You still will have all the evils of the big city, most small towns have big drug problems. I think you can control them easier in a rural setting.

-- Gary (gws@columbus.rr.com), December 26, 2001.

Jason, I grew up way out in the country and I HATED it. I got married and moved to town and LOVED it for a while. I am now 40 and have 2 children (16 &11) we moved back to the country about a year and a half ago and I LOVE it. We now have 5 acres about 15-20 minutes from town. WE are far enough out that we have the peace and quiet but still close enough that it's no big deal to hop in the car and go to town. You can have the best of both worlds. I would suggest renting first. If she can't handle it then it wouldn't be a problem to move back to town. Second, DO NOT rush her!! Take drives in the country, get to know people in the country and find out how they handle any problems your wife is concerned with. Grow a few veggies in your backyard or containers and let her see how wonderful fresh veggies taste; PLUS the satisfaction of growing it yourself and not have to totally depend on someone else for your food. Just give her time and show her the advantages of country life!! Good luck!!!

-- Lou Ann in KY (homes_cool@msn.com), December 26, 2001.

I grew up in Detroit, Buffalo, and Seattle. I have always lived in the biggest city of the region -- in Lahore for 2 years, too. It is a different way of seeing the world to live in a small place that does not consider itself the center of the regional universe. When I was going to move out to the country (outside a town of 7,000), my mother, a VERY urban person said, "What are you going to do out there -- spend your days deadheading the rhodies?" But the fact was that living in the city, my main recreation was reading anyway, so I wasn't going to have to curtail some hot and shiny nightlife. Your wife is mainly thinking, What am I going to do out there, without my usual avenues of filling/killing time (shopping, shows, classes, whatever)? Lots of people are not comfortable with themselves just being. They are able to amuse themselves/interest themselves only as a response to outside stimuli, particularly other people. They will say, Oh, I am just one of those people who need a lot of people around, I'm not a hermit. (The idea that country-dwellers must be hermits is of course absurd. I find that living out here, I am in fact more open to talking to neighbors and strangers, than I ever would have been in the city where we have our lives all filled up and where the density of population requires us to NOT communicate with our neighbors and just any ol'body, to maintain our own independence and to respect other people's privacy.)

If she doesn't have any rudimentary interest in gardening, farm animals or the natural world, until she develops such interests, she will probably feel antsy, restless, bored and deprived. In other words, you'll have a recipe for divorce. If quiet scares her, if dirt is evil, if she doesn't have inner resources sufficiently developed to keep her mind interested in what is around her, or if she is a control freak, then it would be a mistake to move her to the country. She is young yet. When I was in my twenties, I wanted to travel, I didn't want to be tied down to property. But I did my share of travelling and got that out of my system. I also established two successful businesses, so I have the confidence to know that I have done things and can do things that I set my mind to. I have a good sense of who I am, and so, in my 40's, I am ready to do the homestead thing, settle down. She may not be at that point in her life yet, but she may come to be so in the future. So if that is not where she's at now, it would be better to wait. Timing in life is everything.

-- snoozy (bunny@northsound.net), December 26, 2001.

If you are planning to ever have children, to me the country is the only place to safely and happily live. We live just outside a small town (5000 people) but are about 35 minutes away from Birmingham, Gadsden, and about 80 minutes away from Huntsville....so we can get to the best medical care in the world in just a short time...

The country areas have volunteer fire departments that are second to none in fire AND rescue capabilities.

We homeschooled our last two kids and I would have homeschooled them all all the time if I had known then what I know now!

Does she like animals??? She could have her own pet horse, or bunnies or whatever....

Take her to visit lots of other folks who live HAPPILY in the country and try to gently persuade her....When I was in my 20's I lived for a while in the most populous area of Florida....but the country is the only place for me!!!!

-- Suzy in Bama (slgt@yahoo.com), December 26, 2001.

If I were you, I would just hog tie her, throw her in yer truck and take her to the country....

-- Ginny D (yehagirl@rockinredranch.com), December 26, 2001.

Hello Jason,

The answer really depends on you! In the country, women usually bear the grunt of the household responsiblilities. You would have to be willing to do the "extra chores" either with her or for her. Things like, the garden, the canning, even the laundry can be a real challenge for anyone.

IF you have children, they can not just walk or take a bus to anything. The wife usually has to drive them, sometimes quite far to music lessons, karate classes, and other stuff that kids like to do.

IT also depends on how remote you want to live. I feel safer in the most remote part of the country but, your wife might feel too lonely or even scared when she is alone at the house.

You may want to move to the country but, how far away you move depends on how you handle these situations. I think for a couple to live in the country successfully, they BOTH must be ready and willing to accept the new challenges together. If one is not in agreement, the other will have to hold down both positions. And that is no fun!

Sincerely,

Ernest

-- http://communities.msn.com/livingoffthelandintheozarks (espresso42@hotmail.com), December 26, 2001.

You can run around naked (at least partially) when you have 3 wooded acres!

-- Kathy (catfish201@hotmail.com), December 26, 2001.

Thank you everyone for your input. I never expected so much feedback. I like the idea of asking her to move to the country for a few years in the promise that I will move closer to the city(not in it)if she does not appreciate country life after living there. My wife loves gardening and where we live now she cant have anything but indoor plants. This also may be a way to convince her. One person mentioned divorce. No need to worry, both of our parents were good examples and have worked through their problems. My parents just had their 30th Anniversary. I would never force my wife into country life. I am more in love with her than the country... but I sure do miss looking out of my window and seeing nothing but Gods greatest creation,"nature." The only view I have now is my nieghbors. Not that nieghbors are always bad. But I sure would not mind being able to mow the yard naked. Not that I would! God Bless you all.

-- Jason (jasash@juno.com), December 27, 2001.

Jason, Just a quick different perspective. I wanted to move to the country, husband and son followed along. We got 6 acres with the clean life, good schools and animals. Also an hour commute for my husband. Then a son who hates anything to do with the animals and farmwork. I end up doing everything mostly myself, just so I don't have to listen to the complaints. AND I NEVER RIDE THE HORSE THAT I MOVED FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE.

We will probably be moving in a few years and have agreed that there will be no animals in the yard. I said I would be happy with an acre, he said he would be happy with less. Hope your luck will be better then mine.

-- Dee (gdgtur@goes.com), December 27, 2001.

Well, then, Jason, if your wife loves gardening, everything will be just fine. Order every seed catalog and fruit tree catalog you can find, quick as you can -- she'll see so many things that she'd like to grow that you won't be able to keep her in the city!

-- snoozy (bunny@northsound.net), December 28, 2001.

What Snoozy said!

btw, you could always move up here to Western Washington State. You can have your country space for a year or so, and then suddenly you'll find yourself living in the middle of an incorporated town, with all the neighbors your wife would ever wish for living all around you... ;-)

Actually, things have slowed down *some* in the land rush out here... (whew!) Good luck to you!

-- sheepish (WA) (the_original_sheepish@hotmail.com), December 28, 2001.

Hi Jason - it sounds like you and the lady need to sit down and have a conversation similar to the one my fiance and I had; basically, "Here's what I want, here's what you want, let's find the middle road." I'm the one with a farmer's blood in my veins, so I'm taking care of the animals and garden, he manages the household, and since he is studying to be an accountant, he handles the finances. We live about 25 minutes away from a nice hospital, and 30 minutes away from a Walmart and two shopping centers, so that's not a problem. Hang in there and find the compromise that satisfies both of you. I had to overcome my fiances worst fears - he lived on his Uncle's whacked out idea of a homestead, and I just needed to reassure him that yes, we would have hot and cold running water and indoor plumbing, and electric that was a little more constant and reliable than a generator. Sometimes all you have to do is address your SO's fears, and there's your compromise... Best of Luck!

-- Connie L (MykellSilver@aol.com), December 30, 2001.

Thought more about this question, so....

Another thing to consider is how car dependent you want to be. I have lived with a car (no public transportation at all), and lived without one (in a major metro area with not only buses but light rail as well), and I much prefer not having the car, especially when I can walk to my destination (I have also lived in a semi-rural area but well within walking distances of post office, supermarket, etc.). Not only cheaper, but less hassle all around (instead of driving I could read or knit, for example)

If inexpensive living (or at least less expensive than where you're living now) is a reason for moving, please look at transportation expenses (fuel costs, maintenance, higher insurance for more miles driven, cost of definitely 2nd and possibly 3rd vehicle--you're not going to take her car when yours is in the shop for 3 days and leave her stranded, are you?, etc. :) It is very easy to negate any tax (and other) savings by spending it on vehicles and basically spend more money living out in the country than you would living a bit closer to things.

Also, people tend to think country roads with shoulders (at least someplace to walk) and speeds under 25 mph. Not everywhere! It is not uncommon for country roads to be posted at 50 mph (and of course people are going faster than that), and the road to have no shoulder, just a drainage ditch, so anyone walking or bicycling is truly taking his life in his hands. Can be disappointing when you are basically limited to walking around your own property, unless you get in your car and drive somewhere else (which kind of defeats the purpose).

I think you'll be okay as long as you give your wife's concerns the same respect that you give your own concerns. You sound like you will, so I think you will come up with a good compromise.

-- GT (nospam@nospam.com), December 30, 2001.