Bumped into this on another board and thot it was funny,

THE DAILY PLANET By Ted Rall God, Editor and Proprietor

NEW YORK -- CORRECTIONS:

On Friday, the Indian state of Gujarat was struck by a massive earthquake registering 7.9 on the Richter scale. Anywhere between 15,000 and 100,000 people were crushed to death by collapsing buildings, many of them composed of substandard building materials. God, who is omniscient, ubiquitous and all-powerful, neglected to stabilize the tectonic plates that caused the quake. God regrets the error.

In December, during a critical electoral crisis in the world's most important nation, a 5-4 vote by the United States' highest court resulted in the illegal, unconstitutional installation of George W. Bush, one of the dumbest politicians in history, as president. God could have changed Antonin Scalia (news - web sites) to a Democrat, or visited him in his dreams to threaten him with eternal hellfire should he persist in his blatant partisanship, but for reasons unknown did not do so. God regrets the error.

Popular music sucks. God regrets the error.

A system of free-market capitalism run amok, coupled with an unprecedented level of selfishness among well-off human beings, keeps billions of people living in poverty while the rich wallow in conspicuous consumption. (A similar error appears online, although efforts to revise it have been attempted.) God regrets the error.

The last truly interesting generation of world leaders -- Churchill, Roosevelt, de Gaulle, Ghandi, Stalin -- died a number of decades ago. God regrets taking them to meet their maker, who is Him, and regrets failing to replace them with figures of similar stature.

In Orem, Utah, there is a video store called CleanFlicks that rents such films as "Titanic," "Schindler's List" and "Gladiator" that have been edited to remove scenes containing sex and coarse language. A clerical error caused God to overlook a previously arranged smiting of this business, as well as of the state of Utah. God regrets the error.

One of the Ten Commandments contains a stipulation to honor one's mother and father, but since most fathers are absentee deadbeats it is not possible for devotees of Judeo-Christian-based religions to adhere to this commandment. The correct wording should have read: "Honor your mother, unless you also have a father, in which case you may opt to honor him as well, though it certainly is not necessary." God regrets the error.

Despite record-low unemployment and strong fundamental economic indicators, the American economy is collapsing into recession for no reason whatsoever. Though God's ways are mysterious, they are not -- as a point of policy -- this mysterious. God regrets the error.

Popular music still sucks. God regrets the error.

Generalissimo Bush has announced his intent to create a White House-run Office of Faith-Based Initiatives. God is seriously pissed off about this gross intrusion into His personal affairs by big government, and He promises to smite all those involved. He does, however, regret that He has not gotten around to it yet.

Every day, billions of people pray to God. Though God has actively solicited prayer-based requests for thousands of years, the enormous explosion in population, coupled with inadequate infrastructure and insufficient staffing, has caused God to cease processing prayers. In fact, only the first two or three prayers per diem (Greenwich time) are actually considered, and that's on a good day. More commonly, God is simply too busy doing "other things" to read or listen to prayers. God is absolutely mortified at this long-term neglect of his administrative duties and has formed a special committee to look into ways to consider determining ways to possibly resolve it.

-- Anonymous, December 29, 2001

Answers

Hmmm, guess that's why we are supposed to pray ceaselessly...maybe we can be first up, per diem. LOL

Thanks for the post, John!!!

-- Anonymous, December 30, 2001