The Southerners Guide to Snow

By John Hawkins

We got hit with a gargantuan, mammoth, king kong, sized snow storm here in Charlotte, North Carolina today. Yes, we received 6 inches of snow and it paralyzed the entire city. Almost all businesses were closed, some roads were closed, and every channel has non-stop information on "WHITE HELLSTORM 2002 - ARE WE ALL GOING TO DIE?!?"

Many of our readers don't understand how and why southerners in the US act as they do when it snows. Stupid northerners definitely don't understand it. If I've heard "Good grief. 6 inches of snow? We get that much in the middle of summer down up here. I usually ride my bike to work when there's only that much" from a northerner once, I've heard it a thousand times. But, unlike northern snow (which is apparently composed of gravel and sand) OUR snow is slippery and white. That means it may be harder to drive, which means it may be harder to get food from the super market, which means that if the snow went on for weeks you could be snowed in and could starve to death faster than an Al-Queda member buried alive under 5 tons of rock in Afghanistan. Is that how YOU want to die? Sawing your own leg off with a nail file and cooking it over a fire so you'll have something to eat? Well, maybe that's how you want to check out, but me? Like most southerners I want to die from a painless heart attack while having a threesome with Britney Spears and Anna Kournikova so snow SCARES ME SH*TLESS!!!

All this being said there are certain things that all responsible Southerners must do when it snows........

- Buy enough bread, milk, and hamburger at the first hint of snow to feed the entire roster of the Carolina Panthers before it's all gone!

- There are people in Afghanistan starving to death so you will eat any snow cream that someone offers you and you'll like it.

- If you own an SUV you should drive 30 MPH faster than all the other traffic to show your general disdain for people without 4 wheel drive.

- If you run a business it's your civic duty to demand that all your workers risk their lives coming in no matter what happens. Even if you run a pay per play outdoor basketball court, the roads are solid ice, and you're stuck in a ditch on the side of the road you must DEMAND that your employees risk their lives and come to work. It's the principle that counts!

- Your boss may demand that you go to work, but if you're a parent you better figure out what to do with your kids because the schools will be closed. If it snows? They're going to close. If there is supposed to be snow tomorrow? They're going to close. If there's a hard rain coming that could turn to snow if the temperature drops 36%? They're going to close.

- Writing your name in the snow with your own pee is a southern tradition that stretches back decades. Make sure to drink a couple of three liters first and hold it until your bladder is almost ready to explode if you have a lot of letters in your name.

and most importantly...

- If you are driving in the snow and you see someone stuck in a ditch, point and laugh. It's probably one of those northerners who just moved to the area and said you were stupid for being nervous about driving in the snow.

-- Anonymous, January 04, 2002

Answers

...DEMAND that your employees risk their lives and come to work. It's the principle that counts!

sounds like the USPS.

-- Anonymous, January 04, 2002

Yep--whenever I see a car with southern license plates driving in the snow here, I stay as far away from them as possible, lol.

-- Anonymous, January 04, 2002

This morning, traffic was the expected Mel Brooks movie stuff--ALL morning. And you know who were the worst? Nope, not the SUVs--tractor-trailers, the pros!!! Tomorrow won't be so bad since people won't be trying to get to work, but it will still be colorful. Got me bloody exhausted, I can tell ya.

There was an exact foot on my patio table after it was all over. We may have an icy mix Sunday. . .

-- Anonymous, January 04, 2002