ON A BUSINESS TRIP in California, I realized that I had forgotten my wife's birthday the day before. Assuming I was in big trouble, I went to the jewelry section of a San Francisco department store. After explaining to the saleswoman that I desperately needed a gift to make up for my forgetfulness, she quipped, "I'm sorry, but we don't have anything that expensive." -- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life In This United States" by Edwin L. Ray

FUNNY THOUGHTS "I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face." - Anon.

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the owner said, "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

Quick Wit

"You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead."

The Pregnancy Dictionary

Afterbirth -- when the hard part begins.

Cravings -- an excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy.

Dilation -- one of those things a pregnant woman has to take her doctor's word for.

Elastiphobia -- fear of making it into the Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Stretch Marks."

First trimester -- the first three months of pregnancy when you wonder, "Is it too late to hire a surrogate mother?"

Maternity clothes -- what a pregnant woman wears to show people there's a reason she's fat.

Miracle -- 1 the birth of a baby. 2 The fact that you lived to tell about it.

Obstetrician -- the doctor who tells you you're doing fine when you think you're caught in the jaws of death.

Pregnant pause -- the amount of time it takes for a nine- month pregnant woman to get out of a chair.

Prenatal -- when your life was still your own.

Pushing -- the final effort to get a ten-pound baby through an opening the size of a dime.

Second trimester -- the time when you ask the question, "Will my husband notice if I eat this gallon of ice cream and side of beef before he gets home?"

Third trimester -- the final months of pregnancy when you wonder, "How much longer can I keep from waddling?"

Quick Wit

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Thursday, 1/3/02 Search the Web! FUNNY THOUGHTS "I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from." - Anon.

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2002

Answers

LOL

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2002