Short Cuts
Wednesday, January 9, 2002
``And then, of course, there's Senator Edward Kennedy. The folks at the
Crawford (Texas) Coffee Shop would be somewhat in shock when I told them I
actually like the fellow. He is a fabulous United States senator. When he's
against you, it's tough. When he's with you, it is a great experience.''
-President George W. Bush
The ghost of summers past
You Know, Its Never Our Fault: Most mornings we scan our site for the stories
that tell us where we are in the world, at least to our perverse sense of the
news. Rarely, do we face a morning when all of us should have stayed in bed
and that includes you. Most mornings there is a ping! a pop! a little frisson
of realization that something worth knowing has happened over night. Last
night wasn't one of those nights. To prove our point we'll show you some
prize examples that are so trivial we aren't even going to give you a link.
You'll just have to trust us.
Non-Story 1: Beavers are being reintroduced to Scotland.
Non-Story 2: The burning question: Is Paula Zahn sexy? is still being asked.
Clearly she is to her husband (she has three kids) and the suits at CNN - who
else matters? The only part of this truly boring story that mystifies is "Was
that really a zipper sound?" at the end of the pulled commercial. If so, it
was incredibly tacky. If not - what the hell was it?
Non-Story 3: Dick Cheney met with Enron executives.
Does that surprise anyone whatsoever? Enron was a very big company. Enron
gave energy advice to anyone and everyone. Dick Cheney meets with a lot of
people.
Unless Enron execs arrived with envelopes of cash. So what?
Non-Story 4: Liza "I've been an Episcopalian all my life" Minnelli, who is
marrying Michael Jackson's producer shortly, has added Esther Williams to her
bridesmaid's list (along with Elizabeth Taylor) Esther Williams!?
Non-Story No 5: Designer Mr. Blackwell who has designed nothing anyone can
remember for two decades is out with his Worst Dressed List. If there is any
news whatsoever in this annual item it is that he can hold a pencil long
enough to write it down.
Non-Story No 6: The unions involved with TV are not happy about the $60
million dollars Katie Couric is going the get. (Keep in mind that essential
to a news story is that little ping of surprise. It's missing here.) And, to
further prove our point on this non-news day. The Today Show
reran Katie's long, dark trip through her own colon that was shown last year.
Now that's slow.
Other Stuff Too Trivial to Link: Stamps are going up:
Popeye is not gay: We are still looking for Osama.
So there you have it. When something big happens we will let you know. Now,
if possible, go back to bed.
-Your News Deprived LComStaff
-- Anonymous, January 09, 2002