MY SISTER-IN-LAW AND I were pregnant at the same time. She went into labor, and my brother bundled her off to the hospital. A short time later, I arrived to keep him company, and he met me in the lobby. "Come back to the fathers' lounge," he said. As we walked through the maternity ward, one patient gave my bulging figure a startled glance. "Will you look at that!" we heard her exclaim to her roommate. "There he goes with another one!" -- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life In These United States" by Dianne Jacobs

This is a good one!

Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mph, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 65, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her afghan, his wife says sweetly, "Now don't be

silly dear. You know very well this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer makes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did".

As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit woman, keep your mouth shut!"

The officer frowns and says, "And, I notice you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over to get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And, as the officer makes out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!!" The officer looks over at the woman and says, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh heavens no, officer, only when he's been drinking..."

-- Anonymous, January 13, 2002