Getting In Shape

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No, I didnt write this, but its pretty funny....

Dear Diary...

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer, I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

Thursday: Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday: I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the &*@*#$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday: Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&& Weather Channel.

Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the B------D) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2002

Answers

That was a riot, EM!!! Thank you sooo much for reminding why I DO NOT go to a health club or gym! In fact, right this moment, staring back at me from across the room is a treadmill!! 'Scuse me while I go throw a blanket over it :-)!!

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2002

I do go to a sort of health club - a women only place that mixes aerobics with resistance work. The best thing about my surgery was that I couldn't work out for a month!! Those women are nuts! They act happy to be there!! They laugh and joke with each other!!! I hate 'em. Perky people - Bah!

I stopped in after work one morning and was slogging my way through the circut and a couple of them decided I looked unhappy and needed cheered up. "Smile!" they said. "Eat sh## and die" I thought as I gave them my best/worst fake smile. "Isn't this great?" said they and I made a mental note to check with the psychiatrist and find out what the effect of too many endorphins on the brain is. They spent the whole circut trying to chat with me. I told Jo (the manager) that normally I get paid good money to deal with crazy people - I sure didn't like doing it and paying for the privledge!

It's even worse if I go in after 9 am - that's when all the senior citizens come in. And effortlessly go through the circut while I am leaning gasping against the wall in a desperate attempt to get air into my lungs. Man, just wait 'til I get to be an old lady.....

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2002


I'm in shape....round is a shape, right? :)

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2002

The pet store I work in is a constant 79 degrees (air conditioner won't go on in the winter. It knows it's cold outside) and the humidity is high (all those hot fish tanks). I continously walk back and forth the length of the store the whole time I'm working. Between that and working the farm, I should be as thin as a twig. I was looking for a riding stable to take lessons again. I don't care what the doctor said, I sweat just as much as the horse and my thighs were tight.

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2002

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