I'm back! I know that some of you thought your prayers had been answered but, I'm living proof that all prayers aren't answered.

You may not care but one of the reasons that I've been gone for a while (yes, I was!) is that a lot of the women on here were talking about feminine issues and products. Well, not being a female, I felt left out and didn't feel that I could respond to those post or contribute anything worth while. It hurt my feelings. I was feeling unwanted. You know, I didn't get PMS, (didn't even understand it), my nipples didn't get sore if I didn't wear a bra and trust me on this, water retention was NOT one of my problems!

Now, I'd heard that men are suppose to have a feminine side and that we're suppose to be in touch with it. I think it's a 80's or 90's thing, I'm not sure but regardless, I evidently wasn't in touch with it. I thought I'd take off for a while and explore this new (to me) concept.

I figured Wal-Mart would be a good place to start since there are so many women there. After being slapped a couple of times, I decided that maybe one of the other stores would be a better choice and moved to the hardware store. Same results. Now, I don't like to fail at anything so I was feeling a little depressed. My wife noticed this change in attitude but she called it pouting. I thought that was progress (pouting=feminine trait). When I explained the problem to her, she patiently sat me down and told me that it was MY feminine side that I was suppose to get in touch with, not "touch feminine sides". Yes, dyslexia has it's draw backs!

With this new found knowledge, I watched all the commercials on T.V. and ordered everything I could find that seemed like it was made for women. Luckily, most of it came in plain brown wrappers, just like the other stuff that I order to keep me in touch with my masculine side. Now I do feel fresher but boy, did THAT hurt! That's the last time I'll be fresh! I just don't care anymore! My breast are getting bigger, I think, and after letting the neighbors new born puppies nurse for a while, I do find that my nipples get sore. Wonder why they call them "milk teeth"? And to top it off, if PMS stands for "pretty miserable sometimes", I get that now too. Thanks a lot!

Now, I don't want to hurt anyones feelings, but I'm not happy with all these changes. I don't care if they are politically correct, I'm going back to the way I was. Now, in addition to having tight pants, my shirts (do I have to call them blouses?) don't fit anymore either/ eyether. I'm working out with a rubber ball to stop my wrist from being limp, my butt swishes when I walk and I'm beginning to like soap operas and the decorating shows on HGTV ! My knowledge of mechanical things is getting hazy, silk has become my favorite fabric and I now get upset if the toilet seat isn't down! I don't like these changes but if I were single, they would double chances of getting a date on Saturday night!

Now, you probably wonder what I expect you to do about this problem. Well, if you don't know, I'm sure not going to tell you!

However, now that ya'll are talking about drinking and porn (subjects I know something about), I'm going to have to join in again. Sorry.

Wildman, (un-sabbatical-ling)

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2002

Answers

Welcome back, Wildman!! We all know that you were probably hanging out with Martha somewhere, but we'll keep it our little secret!! I sure hope that the description you gave us of yourself (tight pants/blouses) doesn't give me nightmares tonight! And...I REALLY hope your nipples heal fast :-)!

Honestly, though...good to see ya back here!!!

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2002

Of course they're answered; just sometimes the answer is "NO!"

So, what're you going to do when K-mart goes under and you can't go hang out with Martha anymore?

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2002

hi Wildman, glad to see you back.

-- Anonymous, January 26, 2002

Glad to see you escaped. I will go take the picture off the side of the cow now:>)

-- Anonymous, January 26, 2002

Eeek! I'm sorry Wildman, that sounded like I was hoping you didn't come back and nothing could be farther from the truth! Glad to see you back! (And would you please tell Martha to get off this lavedar kick she's one and design some pretty GREEN sheets!?)

-- Anonymous, January 26, 2002

Wildman glad to have you back too!!Hey maybe something sinister is going on,I told my naturopath I had been a reall B*tch lately and my hormones are doing funny things to my body.He said perhaps I should get my testosterone levels checked!!!!Ha!Before any of you think I am sitting here drinkin bud and growin a beard,I will deny it!!!!But I have been watching football....I hate footballl!!!!

-- Anonymous, January 26, 2002

I bet you liked those silk panties, didn't you?

If it makes you feel any better, I like nothing more then to be building stuff in the yard. Last year I was thrilled my husband was listening to me and gave me a power drill. I was a little disappointed that I didn't get the circular saw.

-- Anonymous, January 26, 2002

Did I miss the feminine hygiene thread? Wildman, I have missed your irreverent masculinity to no end. I'm very glad you are back. My favorite fabric, for the record , is FLANNEL! My butt does swish when I walk but I think its due to size not that I am so feminine. Had our first triple jive class last night..I kept trying to lead!! Hey Teri, could testosterone levels be why I get these pesky hairs on my chin now? I feel like my grandmother!

-- Anonymous, January 28, 2002

Wow, I thought I had broke the board. I post and it goes down. Either that or Jim had a cardiac arrest when I came back and closed the board down. Glad to see it up and running again or was that just me that was having problems?

Anyway, Polly, I certainly didn't take offense to your response. I've been married so long that not much offends me anymore. I can't tell you how many times my wife has hoped that I wouldn't come back, but just like a bad cold, I keep hanging in there and irritating her. She was ecstatic when I had laryngitis. So far my plan seems to be working well. We're still together.

Marcia, Polly, me and Martha ain't getting along too well lately. She doesn't know how I feel since she's never met me except through the FBI photos and description. Did ya'll know that stalking laws apply to the mail? Me neither. Anyway, it seems like she chunked up on me! Got way big and started wearing those loose clothes to hide it. Hey, I know it's not politically correct and there ain't nothing wrong with chunky, fluffy or cushionie but if I'm going to have a dream girl then, she's going to have to live up to my dream and not go changing on me. Never mind about my little problem. I'm monitoring my body by inches now instead of weight and I seem to be gaining inches at an alarming rate. Me and the dog are either going to have to start taking more short walks or a few longer ones. I would talk to Martha about the lavender kick but I'm under a lifetime restraining order. I'm not even suppose to watch the T.V. shows she's on but I don't think they'll catch me.

Thanks Jay, evidently you live close to me. I saw a cow with something on its side and I'll tell you right now, it didn't look like something I'd go out looking for. Next time see if you can put my picture on the whisky bottles. They might find me then. I don't hang with people that drink milk.

Teri, I don't know nothing about no testosterone. I think I use to have some but I don't know where it went. And as far as I know, there ain't nothing wrong with sitting around drinking Bud, growing a beard and watching football although it's not something I'd do. Well, I do grow a beard. I've watched a few football games and I drank a Bud once. Like Michelobe better.

Dee, I don't know how you knew but silk panties were nice for a change. I've always liked silk panties, just not on me. There's just something about a woman stripping down to her cotton panties that reminds me of a locker room. Of course, that was before the new Haines line. . However, I went back to cotton because they're more absorbent and cooler than the silk. Feminine side coming out again, hate that. Besides I missed the fly.

Ahh, Alison. I had to look up "irreverent masculinity". Still don't know for sure if that's me. I would probably know if I was smarter or had better retention. I've already forgotten what my philosophy was, is or will be. I think I remember getting one on another thread but forgot what it was. I love this forgetfulness. Books and movies that I watched 6 months ago are brand new to me now.

Wildman, (looking for his masculinity)

-- Anonymous, January 28, 2002

Welcome back, Wildman! Maybe you did break the board -- maybe LUSENET went into shock at your reappearance? Anyway, I made us an alternative hideout for when we can't get in here. You can find it at:

http://pub33.ezboard.com/bwherethesidewalksend

-- Anonymous, January 29, 2002