Smile a While __________ 4

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[The following is the first of a new batch of "funnies" that I will be posting on this thread. I hope that you will enjoy them.]


I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail. Amen."


[Other recommended religious humor threads at this forum:]
Smile a While (series 1)
Smile a While (series 2)
Smile a While (series 3)
Cute story and joke from Michael Hitzelberger are here.

God bless you.
John

-- J. F. Gecik (jfgecik@hotmail.com), January 30, 2002

Answers

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to the church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

-- (jfgecik@hotmail.com), January 31, 2002.


Murphy's Law for Sacristans

Wax stains are discovered during the introitus.

The ugliness of a garment is directly proportional to its durability and inversely proportional to its attraction to dust. The beauty of a garment is inversely proportional to its durability and directly proportional to its attraction to dust.

Heating systems fail only in winter.

The sacristy's toolbox is complete. Except for the tool you need urgently now.

Concelebrants arrive one minute before Mass is to begin.

Crosiers do have moving parts.

Purifying cloths can become invisible at will.

For any number n of altar boys, the number of available cassocks is n - 1.

At the moment you turn away a wireless microphone will grow feet.

When in doubt, candle out.

Let me add that each of this laws has been empirically proven in a large city parish where I used to help as a sacristan.

Pax et bonum,

-- Oliver Schrinner (piraya@hispavista.com), January 31, 2002.

[Thanks, Oliver. I like those! Before I post my next one, I want to say that I did NOT change the name of the little boy. JFG]


Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

-- (jfgecik@hotmail.com), February 01, 2002.


At Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, and asked, "Johnny, what's the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!"

-- (jfgecik@hotmail.com), February 03, 2002.

From a church bulletin:
"A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our parishioners in honor of his wife."



-- (jfgecik@hotmail.com), February 04, 2002.



A pastor was speaking to a group of second-graders about the resurrection of Jesus when one student asked, "What did Jesus say right after He came out of the grave?"

The pastor explained that the Gospels do not tell us what He said.

The hand of one little girl shot up. "I know what He said: He said, 'Tah-dah!'"

-- (michael.hitzelberger@vscc.cc.tn.us), February 04, 2002.


A man curious about Catholicism approached a Dominican.
He asked the Dominican about various subjects and eventually the conversation turned to religious orders.

"So you are a Dominican?"
"Yes."
"What can you tell me about the Dominicans?"
"Well, in short, we were founded by St. Dominic in the 13th century, in part to counter the Albigensian heresy."
"I see. What about the Jesuits I keep hearing about?"
"They were founded by St. Ignatius of Loyala in the 16th century, in part to counter the Protestant Reformation."
"Hmmm ... so which is the greater order?"
The Dominican pondered this question for a moment and then replied:
"Well, when was the last time you met an Albigensian?"


-- (jfgecik@hotmail.com), February 06, 2002.


A young man upon finally achieving wealth in his life, purchased a new AlphaRomeo sports car. He had always wanted an AlphaRomeo and was so excited about it that he decided to have it blessed. So the young man went down to the local Catholic Church and asked the priest there, "Father, will you please say a blessing on my new AlphaRomeo?"

The priest replied, "Of course I will, my son. But first, you are going to have to tell me what an AlphaRomeo is."

Dissappointed, the young man went down the road to the Presbyterian church and asked the reverend there, "Reverend, will you please say a blessing for my new AlphaRomeo?"

The reverend replied, "I would love to, young man. However, I don't know what an AlphaRomeo is."

At that the young man left and went down the road to one last place. He stopped at the Methodist church and went inside. He found the pastor and asked him, "Excuse me, can you please say a blessing for my new AlphaRomeo?"

The pastor replied excitedly, "An AlphaRomeo! I love those cars. I have always wished I could drive one. Truly Amazing vehicle the AlphaRomeo is. But I am a little confused." The pastor asked him, "What's a 'Blessing'?"

-- Christian (wardirish@yahoo.com), February 06, 2002.


Naughty, Christian (but you made me laugh!). JFG

-- (jfgecik@hotmail.com), February 06, 2002.

Baseball superstar Mark McGwire was speeding through the streets of the Eternal City, rushing toward the Vatican for an audience with the pope.
Losing control, he rammed into a bus packed with Dominican women religious, in town on pilgrimage.

Fortunately, no one was injured, but the headline read:
CARDINAL MARK MCGWIRE
HITS 62 ROME NUNS


-- (jfgecik@hotmail.com), February 07, 2002.



A man had been shipwrecked on a remote island in the Pacific, and was alone for 20 years. When a ship finally arrived, his rescuers were impressed with the three buildings he had built and asked him about them.

"Well," the man replied, "this is my house, and that building over there is my church. It's a wonderful church and I hate to leave it."

"And what is the third building yonder?" a rescuer asked.

"Oh, that is the church I used to go to," the man replied.

-- Mike H (michael.hitzelberger@vscc.cc.tn.us), February 07, 2002.


Not a joke, but a funny web site.

Protestant Bible

-- Glenn (glenn@excite.com), February 07, 2002.


[I like your contributions, Mike and Glenn!]


A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

She said, "If Jesus were sitting here, he would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

-- (jfgecik@hotmail.com), February 08, 2002.


Q: Why did God ask Abraham to sacrifice Isaac when the boy was just ten years old?

A: Because if he had waited until Isaac was a teenager, it wouldn't have been a sacrifice.


-- (jfgecik@hotmail.com), February 09, 2002.


A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear,"

********************************************** One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew, but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

********************************************** And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

********************************************** A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

********************************************** A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"

********************************************** The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

********************************************** A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

********************************************** A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

********************************************** While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather....and unto the Sonnn . ......and into the hole he gooooes."

-- Glenn (glenn@excite.com), February 09, 2002.



Sorry, totally messed up the last post. Hopefully you can discern the jokes.

-- Glenn (glenn@excite.com), February 09, 2002.

Lord, please teach me html better. Thank you.

-- Glenn (glenn@excite.com), February 09, 2002.

It seems that the Dominicans, Franciscans, Augustinians, and Bendictines were quarreling about which religious order was the greatest.
Finally the answer came in a note that floated down from heaven:


Dear Brothers:

What is this I hear about you quarreling among yourselves?
Remember you are all my children, and I love you equally.

Yours,
God, S.J.


-- (jfgecik@hotmail.com), February 11, 2002.


The following heard on Dr. Laura yesterday.

A Chinese emperor was looking for a Samarai warrior and put out a call to the world. Three warriors applied: a Chinese samarai warrior, a Japanese samarai warrior, and a Jewish samarai warrior.

The emperor asked them all to demonstrate their skills. The Chinese warrior walks forward, opens a small box tied to his neck, and out comes a fly. Quick as a flash, the warrior swings his sword and the fly is cut in two.

The emperor is pretty impressed and asks the Japanese warrior forward. He too opens the box on his neck and out comes a fly. Two quick swings of his sword and the fly is cut into four pieces.

Now the emperor is astounded but in fairness, asks the Jewish warrior forward. He too releases a fly and after five swings of his sword, the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor tells him it was a nice try but obviously he is not as skilled. The Jewish warrior asks the emperor why do you say that? The emperor answers by saying the fly is not dead.

The Jewish warrior says "Dead, schmed. Let's see them do a circumcision!"

-- Glenn (glenn@excite.com), February 12, 2002.


A Jewish boy comes home and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play.

"Wonderful," says his mother, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of a Jewish husband!"
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part!"


-- (@@@.@), February 12, 2002.


After the floodwaters had abated, and the Ark came to rest on dry land, Noah unloaded all the animals and sent them out two by two.

To every species he said the same words: ''Go forth and multiply, all of you!'' They all departed happily. But at last, Noah found a pair of snakes in the hold of the Ark who didn't seem to be in a hurry to go. ''What's the matter, little creatures? Let's go-- you have to go forth and multiply!''

Mr. Snake looked up at him nervously and answered, ''I'm afraid we can't Noah. --You see, we're Adders.''

-- eugene c. chavez (chavezec@pacbell.net), February 12, 2002.


Gene and Glenn -- THANK YOU! I love this good clean humor!
JFG

-- (jfgecik@hotmail.com), February 13, 2002.

A man was painting the outside of the church one Saturday to get it nice and spiffy for services on Sunday.

He had two sides of the church done when he realized that he didn't have quite enough paint to finish. Since he was many miles from where he could buy more paint, and since he was running out of time, he decided to thin the paint down so he'd have enough to finish the job.

After completing the third side, he realized he had to thin the paint even more to make it stretch. He finally finished and was standing back to admire his work when it started to rain. He watched in dismay as the paint ran off the last two sides he had painted.

The pastor came outside to see what was going on, and he saw the look of disappointment on the man's face. The man revealed what he had done to make the paint last.
The pastor, wanting to ease the man's burden, said,
"Now repaint, and thin no more!"


-- (jfgecik@hotmail.com), February 13, 2002.


A lawyer and the pope were both killed in accidents on the same day. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the "Pearly Gates."

St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book too. "Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter.

They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house.

The pope, knowing how good and important he had been, could hardly imagine what his house would be like. St. Peter and his successor continued on until they came to a small, plain, wooden bungalow. St. Peter told the pope that this would be his dwelling.

The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion. I was the vicar of Christ, and this is all the reward I get?"

St. Peter looked at the pope and said "It's true that you have done great things. But we have lots of popes in Heaven, while that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here."


-- (jfgecik@hotmail.com), February 14, 2002.


A Boston Red Sox' fan who happens to be Jewish goes to his rabbi before Rosh Hashanah and says, "Rabbi, I have a problem. I know it's Rosh Hashanah, but it's the Yankees-vs-Red Sox, and Pedro Martinez is pitching."

"It's not such a problem," the rabbi says. "That's why God invented VCRs."

The Red Sox fan replies: "You mean, I can tape the Rosh Hashanah services?"


-- (jfgecik@hotmail.com), February 15, 2002.


Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

A family was staying overnight at a friend's home in another town. At bedtime, a little girl told her mother that she was afraid to sleep alone in a different bedroom.

The mother assured the girl that God and her guardian angel would watch over her while she was asleep.

The girl replied: "Yeah, but I want someone with skin on them to sleep with me."

-- Mike H (michael.hitzelberger@vscc.cc.tn.us), February 16, 2002.


Three clergymen were talking about their common problem of bats in the belfries of their churches?

The first: "I shot at them with a gun, but it only spoiled the woodwork."
The second: "I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing them sixty miles away. But they beat me back to the church!"
The third: "I caught them, then baptized and confirmed each one. I haven't seen them since."


-- (jfgecik@hotmail.com), February 17, 2002.


A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket.

He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?"
The priest, disgusted by the man's appearance and behavior snapped "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man!"
"Well, I'll be," the man muttered and returned to his newspaper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, "I'm sorry to have come on so strong. I didn't mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?"
"Oh, I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."


-- (jfgecik@hotmail.com), February 18, 2002.


Funny John

A prominent doctor discovered that cheerful people resist disease better than chronic grumblers. He concluded that the surly bird gets the germ.

-- Mike H (michael.hitzelberger@vscc.cc.tn.us), February 18, 2002.


From EWTN library:

"LAUGHTER: THE BEST MEDICINE

by Kathleen Howley

When the local Catholic priest trades his black suit and Roman collar for faded jeans and a T-shirt, and says to his flock, "Just call me Bob," what should you do?

I suppose intercessory prayer should be your first response, but after that, you might think of picking up "Serpent On the Rock," a 1994 book by Alice Thomas Ellis, a native of Liverpool.

It's a funny, faithful, and realistic view of what it means to be Catholic in the 1990s." Link to clips from the book Serpent On the Rock

-- Mike H (michael.hitzelberger@vscc.cc.tn.us), February 18, 2002.


[As told by a Jewish comedian ...]


One day a priest goes to a barber for a haircut. After the haircut, he asks the barber how much he owes.
The barber says, "For a man of the cloth, the haircut is free."
The priest thinks "What a nice man!"
The next day the barber finds a bottle of wine outside his shop.

Then, a minister comes in for a haircut. Again, the barber tells him that the haircut is free.
The minister thinks "What a nice man!"
The next day, the barber find a box of chocolates outside his shop.

Then, a rabbi comes in for a haircut. Again, the barber gives the haircut "on the house."
The rabbi thinks, "What a nice man!"
The next day, the barber finds a long line of rabbis outside his shop.


-- (jfgecik@hotmail.com), February 22, 2002.


!!(i see why you added 'told by a jewish comedian')!!

(this one told by somebody's father)

A Sunday School teacher asked a little boy. "Bobby, do you believe in the devil?"

"No, the boy said. "He's just like Santa Claus. I think it's my Daddy."

-- Mike H (michael.hitzelberger@vscc.cc.tn.us), February 22, 2002.


A pre-school child was taken to church by his parents, who wanted to go to confession.

He took everything in carefully, watching people going in and out of the confessional.

Afterwards, he asked his mother, "What do people do in there?"
"They tell their sins," she replied.
"Well, that one who went in the middle door must have had a lot of sins, because he went in and never came out."
-------------------------------

-- (jfgecik@hotmail.com), February 23, 2002.


A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear."

-- Mike H (michael.hitzelberger@vscc.cc.tn.us), February 24, 2002.

[Some time ago, I came across this one on an old forum thread. I thought I'd repeat it now and make it part of the "Smile a While" threads.]


A tourist was standing on the shores of the Sea of Gallilee.
He walked up to a man who owned a small boat and asked him, "Do you take tourists across the sea, and, if so, how much do you charge?"
The man answered, "Yes, and the cost is one hundred American dollars."
"ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS!" the tourist shouted. "No wonder Jesus walked across!"


-- (jfgecik@hotmail.com), February 25, 2002.


What Joey learned in Sunday School

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.

"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!

-- Mike H (michael.hitzelberger@vscc.cc.tn.us), February 25, 2002.


A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and ask him if this is it.
God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a bunch of plastic surgery procedures done to try to make her look beautiful. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures that, since she's got another thirty years, she might as well make the most of it.

But when she walks out of the hospital after the last operation, she is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.
She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years!"
God replies, "Sorry. I didn't recognize you."


-- (jfgecik@hotmail.com), February 27, 2002.


Oh my! What a moral lesson there. Funny! I take that to mean that God can change his promises if we don't keep our covenant with him. We broke it not him. Reminds me of the book of Wisdom too. I liked that one.

-- Mike H (michael.hitzelberger@vscc.cc.tn.us), February 27, 2002.

Adam’s Companion

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. God said "this person will cook for you and wash your clothes.

She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.

Adam asked "What would a woman like this cost me??" God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said "What can I get for a just a rib???" The rest is history.

-- Mike H (michael.hitzelberger@vscc.cc.tn.us), February 27, 2002.


The minister of a church discovered at the last minute that he had not invited a member of his congregation, a little old lady, to come to his garden party, so he called her up to ask her to come out.

"It's no use," she informed him. "I've already prayed for rain."


-- (jfgecik@hotmail.com), February 28, 2002.


A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a goodnight story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
Then, she would touch her own cheek, thoughtfully.

Finally she spoke, "Grandpa, did God make you?'
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Did God make me too?" she asked.
"Yes, indeed, honey," he answered. "God made you just a little while ago."

She touched his face and then her own again.
"He's getting better at it, isn't He?" she asked.


-- (jfgecik@hotmail.com), March 01, 2002.


If Caught Sleeping At Your Desk…

THE BEST THING TO SAY:

7. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."

6. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

5. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

4. "I was doing a highly specific exercise to relieve work- related stress.

3. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

2. "The coffee machine is broken..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 1. "... and in Jesus' name. Amen."

-- Mike H (michael.hitzelberger@vscc.cc.tn.us), March 03, 2002.


And this particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

-- Mike H (michael.hitzelberger@vscc.cc.tn.us), March 05, 2002.

Good vs. Evil

My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say, "Praise the Lord!" Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain't no Lord!" During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door. The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!" The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I brought those groceries, and there ain't no Lord." Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it."

-- Mike H (michael.hitzelberger@vscc.cc.tn.us), March 07, 2002.


[The following did really happen in my city.]

The priest of one of the Irish Catholic missions on the continent enjoyed his well-deserved holidays, and a priest from the local parish said Mass instead of him. He managed English pretty well, even the dreaded 'th', but was never sure how to pronounce an 'a'. So his concluding words were

"Mess is ended, go in peace."

-- Oliver Schrinner (piraya@hispavista.com), March 12, 2002.

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says,

"Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup. "Have you found Jesus?", the preacher asks.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

-- Mike H (michael.hitzelberger@vscc.cc.tn.us), May 15, 2002.


It was a long sermon. One of the lads in the front pew was restless and started to whisper to the student next to him.
Several pews behind them, Sister took note.

"Tell him to stop talking," she told Joey, the boy sitting beside her.
Joey protested strongly, but she insisted.

Finally, Joey reluctantly walked up to the altar and said:
"Father, Sister says for you to stop talking."


-- (jfgecik@hotmail.com), May 17, 2002.


Abraham wanted to upgrade his PC to Windows 95. His son Isaac, was horrified, and exclaimed: "Pop, you can't run Windows 95 on your ancient 386. Everyone knows you need a fast 486 with a least 16 megs of memory for that! What are you thinking???

But Abraham, a man of faith, gazed calmly at Isaac and said, "Do not worry, my son, God will provide the RAM.

-- Mike H (michael.hitzelberger@vscc.cc.tn.us), May 18, 2002.


Psalm 30, last verse, say three times fast:

So my soul sings psalms to you unceasingly.

So my soul sings psalms to you unceasingly.

So my soul sings psalms to you unceasingly.

O Lord my God, I will thank you forever.

-- Mike H (michael.hitzelberger@vscc.cc.tn.us), June 07, 2002.


A joke that has to be explained kind of loses its charm. But I am sending this one for the Spanish speaking friends:

El Catequista preguntó a sus niños:

¿Cómo subió Jesús al cielo? Por favor contesten todos en globo. (En globo in Spanish means all together)

Y los niños respondieron: ¡en globo! (in a hot-air balloon)

Enrique

-- Enrique Ortiz (eaortiz@yahoo.com), June 08, 2002.


A thread of August, 2002, funnies can be found here.

-- (_@_._), August 17, 2002.

Kiwi,

I love you.

-- @ (@@@@.com), August 18, 2002.


Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hello, Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 and 1,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin,' Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

-- (jfgecik@hotmail.com), November 18, 2002.


An 70-year-old Catholic man in Phoenix called his son in New York, and said, "I hate to ruin your day. But I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screamed.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the man said.
"We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Then he hung up.

Frantic, the son called his sister, who exploded on the phone. "Like heck, they're getting a divorce," she shouted. "I'll take care of this."

She then called her parents and screamed at her dad, "We are Catholics, and you are NOT getting divorced. Do not do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling Bill back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" She then slammed the phone down.

When her father hung up the phone, he turned to his wife and said:
"Okay! They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!"

-- (jfgecik@hotmail.com), November 23, 2002.


I love that one, John! It's a classic for sure.

Thanks.

-- Jake Huether (jake_huether@yahoo.com), November 23, 2002.


It happened... the world was stunned... Bill Gates... dead.

And it came to pass that he went before God.

And God spoke before him and said "Bill, you've done a number of great things in your lifetime but I don't know about that Windows 95, so I tell you what I'm going to do. I'll let you take a tour of heaven, and then hell, and then you decide for yourself where you wish to spend eternity."

And with a bright flash of lighting and loud cracks of thunder, He was transported to hell. He found himself walking on a golden sandy beach. The gentle waves cascaded upon the shores, and the delightful sounds of giggles could be heard from some babes playing beach volleyball.

"Hey, this place isn't so bad after all", thought Bill. A few seconds later, another explosion and Bill found himself in heaven. He saw some old men sitting on clouds playing harps and singing. Again, with a fizz and a pop, Bill was brought back outside the pearly gates before God.

"So, have you made your decision, Bill ?" God asked him. "Sure, I want to spend eternity in hell." "So be it !" God declared, and transported Bill back to hell.

When he found himself on the beach this time, a little dog did his business on Bill's leg. There were no beach babes to be found, only some dried up, wrinkly old ladies frolicking around with no clothes on, playing bowles.

"My God what happened to the hell I saw before !!??" cried Bill. God replied "That was just a demo version."

-- Oliver Fischer (spicenut@excite.com), February 14, 2003.


Oliver, That was great!

This particular thread is bittersweet because it is funny, made me laugh, but made me sad because John is not on the forum any more. He is a good man and made a difference here.

ml

-- MaryLu (mlc327@juno.com), February 14, 2003.


Wow! Thanks, MaryLu. I am back at the forum and just came across these kind words of yours. Ironically, now you seem to be gone.


Since this thread provides communications to the other humor threads of the forum, I wanted to provide a new link here.

God bless you.
John

-- J. F. Gecik (jfgecik@hotmail.com), April 15, 2003.


The Reverend Ian Paisley died and went to heaven. When he got there, St.Peter came out and asked his name.

"YOU DON'T KNOW MY NAME ? I'M THE REV. IAN PAISLEY": he roared at St. Peter.

St. Peter looked at his list and could not find his name.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT ON THE LIST??? DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO I AM? THIS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I'M A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON. MY NAME SHOULD BE ON THE LIST."

St. Peter tried to explain that it's not easy to get into heaven, that you have to be a Catholic. When Paisley hears this, he starts to complain. So St. Peter says that if he had been good to Catholics, he would have some chance of getting in.

"WELL", roared Paisley, "I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE BEEN VERY GOOD TO CATHOLICS, WHY ONLY TWO WEEKS AGO I MET A YOUNG GIRL WHO HAD MADE HER FIRST COMMUNION AND I GAVE HER A POUND; AND TWO WEEKS BEFORE I MET A YOUNG BOY WHO HAD MADE HIS CONFIRMATION AND I HAVE HIM A POUND TOO!"

St. Peter told Paisley that he would have to go and talk to GOD and get some advice.

About ten minutes later St. Peter come out and said to Paisley, "HERE'S YOUR TWO POUNDS BACK, NOW CLEAR OFF".

-- Ian (ib@vertifgo.com), April 15, 2003.


On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree, just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
As he continued, several nuts dropped and rolled over toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick, mister," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and God are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it, kid. Can't you see it's hard for me to walk?"
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence, they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can get a glimpse of the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a look at God.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
(They say the old man made it back to town a full five minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.)

-- J. F. Gecik (jfgecik@hotmail.com), January 20, 2004.


Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak 2 words. Ten years go by and it's one monk's first chance. He thinks for a second, looks the head monk in the eye and says, "Food bad." Ten years later, it's his turn to speak again. He goes to the head monk and says, "Bed hard." It's the big day, a decade later.The monk gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I quit!" "Well, I'm not surprised," the head monk says. "You've been complaining ever since you got here".

-- Brian Crane (brian.crane@cranemills.com), November 20, 2004.

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