Divorced Parents and First Communion - What is the Etiquette?

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Although I am not catholic, my ex-wife is. I had agreed to have her raise our three sons catholic as well. My twin 8 year old boys are now of the age that they are planning to take their first communion. My question is an etiquette one: I do not have a good relationship with my ex. She is very bitter of our divorce and even more so now that I am remarried and my sons spend over half of their time living with us. Recently my ex gave me a schedule of meeting events, including an afternoon retreat) that she expects me to attend with her and our twin boys, leading up to the day of the communion. Even that day includes us walking up the aise together and sitting together at the front of the church. My concern is that my ex likes to put on a show for everyone that we are all still a "family". This completely humiliates my wife who has to witness this every time there is an event that we are all at. How do I put my kids first and be involved in this event without causing a huge conflict with my wife. Is she expected to sit in the back of the church with my third son while I am up in the fron with my ex? Should I walk down the aise and then go back to sit with her? Should she be seated in front with my son waiting for us all? I can't seem to come up with a plan to make everyone (especially my twins) comfortable. Thanks for your advice. Sean

-- Sean John (kimdnweb@aol.com), February 02, 2002

Answers

How do your sons get along with your current wife? Do THEY want her there? If so, then she should be attending, and the heck with the ex- wife (imho, there are worse sins than divorcing and remarrying). Does SHE (your current wife) want to be there (is she Catholic or religious)? Maybe she doesn't care one way or the other and would rather do something else (like go to a play that afternoon). I am not being flip here, sometimes people are uncomfortable with others' religious ceremonies.

Can you all walk up the aisle together (inclusion of all) or would one twin like you and your current wife to walk up with him while one walks up with his mother?

You didn't say whether you and your current wife are taking the twins to church or not, and if not, it seems, well, strange to drag you into it.

-- GT (nospam@nospam.com), February 02, 2002.


GT: Thanks for your response. You asked the very question that I had been wondering. Should I be "involved" in a ceremony that involves me walking my children up to God when I am not a catholic. It seems rather hypocritical of me (sort of). I can understand it if I am attending the church with my wife and children or even my ex wife and children. But I don't. Now I am just concerned about how the kids would feel if I didn't walk them up. Last year me niece took her first communion (in that same Catholic church) and I noticed that every child had 2 parents walking them up the aisle. I find it hard to believe that all of them had an intact family unit. I think I will ask the priest of the church his advice on this at the first meeting. As for kids getting along with my current wife as you asked. My kids adore my wife. They would expect her to be nowhere else but an event or activity in their honor. They have to draw numbers to see who gets to be on her team in family games, etc. They want her to read before bed instead of me...She jokes that at least 3 out of 4 boys in the house love her unconditionally! I would suggest she and I take one of the twins up the aisle, if we attended the church, but we don't. I believe she would feel very funny being a part of that ceremony. Plus, she doesn't want to step on my ex's catholic toes. She feels that it is her day with her boys and she agrees with me that I need to determine my role in it. However, she doesn't want me sitting up there playing family either...What to do, what to do...SJ

-- Sean John (kimdnwb@aol.com), February 03, 2002.

Sean John, is there any way you can do "the honorarium thing" (where you used to be able to basically pay the priest for a private ceremony, like you do at weddings--the entire congregation is not invited to weddings, for example)?

A friend was baptized in 2nd grade that way, along with younger and much (over 10 years) older siblings, because the younger ones were attending Catholic school and were about to make their First Holy Communion. This was years ago, mind you, but some priests are willing to make extra money for their parishes this way (you might want to add some extra just for the priest as well).

Today the chuch wants to involve the entire family, in public, and I can see where it would be very uncomfortable for someone not of the faith. Even people who are of the faith are not happy with the policy (shy perhaps, or value their privacy). Also I suspect that part the policy change came from trying to cut down on the priest's workload (you used to have to consult mainly with the priest before getting married, now you deal 90% of the time with lay people). Just my suspicion.

I think for example that Prince Andrew and the Duchess of York have the right idea about family unity, but neither of them have remarried yet (and practically speaking, it makes no sense for the Duchess to).

But you are married, and I feel that you should lay it on the line to your ex that, "Look, both of the boys love (your current wife), and THEY want her to be there. I am happy (okay, small white lie here, maybe, lol) to support you in this, but I am not going to leave my wife out of this, so either we all (current wife also) go up together, or I will go but watch in the congregation with my wife while you walk up alone with them (maybe you can suggest taking pictures). Explain the situation to your boys, and maybe they can come up with a solution that will please everyone.

I agree with your current wife's wish not to take away anything from the ex-wife, but there's a difference between staying in the background out of courtesy, and your ex-wife trying to "use" the occasion to further her own ends (although the people who know you won't be fooled, and chances are the people who don't know you, don't care). Also, the adults walking up with children may have been sister/brother, or aunt/ uncle, unless they were specifically announced as parents. And these days a lot of women do not change their names upon marriage, so referring to them as "the family of (husband's last name) is not entirely accurate either".

I applaud you for wanting to do the right thing by your children. It is sad that your ex wants to take advantage of that.

-- GT (nospam@nospam.com), February 03, 2002.


I would think that the best solution for your sons would be the one that calls the least amount of attention to your family being "different" from the norm. Since the ceremony is about the twins, not you, I would suggest that the two of you walk to the front of the church with the twins and stay there as she suggests. You probably want to sit with the boys between you so as not to give the impression of "pretending" to be married. The message then is that you are both the boys' parents and you are supporting them in this new step. It's nice if your wife wants to come, and if so, I'd think she should sit with the other friends and family members and your other son. If there is a reception afterwards, however, that is a social occasion, and you should be with your wife.

-- Kate Muusk (muusk@aol.com), February 08, 2002.

Kate,

That was a beautiful post. I don't know how I missed this 5 days or so ago.

The most important people during this event are the twins. This is their Eucharistic Sacrament and everything should be done to have them as blessed a day as possible.

I realize your new wife will be sitting by herself (unless your husband's family will also be attending?). But this is a small inconvenience for her to endure for your sons' sakes.

As for the retreat, it would be nice for you to attend (again for the boys' sakes), but I doubt that all the fathers will be able to make an afternoon retreat.

GT,

Your words imho, there are worse sins than divorcing and remarrying really caused me to bristle. Are you aware that a Catholic cannot remarry unless there is a decree of nullity issued for the first marriage? If they choose to ignore this, then they are committing a MORTAL sin if they have sexual intercourse. This isn't a concern for Sean John since he is not Catholic. But for his ex-wife, she must live a life of celibacy (or get the marriage annulled).

Are their worse sins than a mortal sin? I am not sure the Church has ever rated the sins other than stating what is venial versus mortal. Personally murder is worse in my mind, but both will cause you to go to hell.

-- Glenn (glenn@excite.com), February 08, 2002.



Glenn,

Well, since Jesus did not seem to equate divorce/adultery with murder, (e.g. forgiving the woman who was about to be stoned, and telling the woman at the well how many men she'd been with), I don't either, again, just my opinion. The Church has changed over the years and will continue to do so, so depending upon who's the next Pope we could see a lot of different things in future, as to what is mortal and what is venial sin.

As to the being Catholic issue, how many were baptized as children and had no choice in acceptance of the faith or not? How many went to First Communion and Confirmation without a truly clear sense of what they were doing (in other words it was expected of them to do so)? Are they as Catholic as those who were adults and made their own free and clear choice to believe? Just as you can make those arguments for anullments, you could make the same arguments for being a practicing Catholic or not--did you know what you were doing?

If I were the current wife, I would just go elsewhere for the day (NOT out of disinterest, but to avoid a scene, she could take them to a congratulatory dinner herself later), but Sean John indicated that the twins wanted her there. She should not be slighted by being made to sit elsewhere, alone. Also, I get the impression that the third son is related to the twins. How do you think he will feel about being excluded with his mother? So much for "family", and being welcoming....

Of course, it depends upon how intimate this occasion is. When I was younger it was one of these separate service things (not during regular Mass like some of them are now), where there's tons of people you don't know anyone anyway. So, chances are, everyone is going to be so busy with their own children they could care less about who is walking up with whom. Do they not do the children in rows in front with everyone else (parents and guests) in back anymore?

A small parish one, might be different, but even then, if done during a Mass, you could do it at a Mass not usually attended by them (say 5pm if they usually go at 9am).

-- GT (nospam@nospam.com), February 11, 2002.


Glenn,

In your post to GT, " Both sins will cause you to go to hell."

You could be right, but if the person went to Confession, than they would not go to hell. Plus, maybe Jesus would be merciful to the sinner, because the sinner prayed the stations of the cross every day. ( Just one of many examples ). Both sins could cause you to go to hell. Thank God for Purgatory. No soul that goes to Purgatory are damned, they all make it to heaven. They need our prayers Glenn. Pray for the holy souls so that they can be loosened from their sin during this holy time. It is hard to believe Ash Wednesday is here tommorow.

God have mercy on us.

David S

-- David (asdzxc8176@ aol.com), February 12, 2002.


David S.,

Thanks for the clarification (i.e. I forgot could ).

GT,

As it was Jesus who told us that divorce and remarriage was not allowed, I doubt very much you will see the Catholic Church change their views on this one.

-- Glenn (glenn@excite.com), February 12, 2002.


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