Gay relationship abuser abusing abused

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A friend of mine, I'll call P, who is "involved" with a man, I'll call T, who has a track record of abusing the men he is dating. The abuse is mostly control issues with some mental abuse. P was sexually abused as a child/teenager.

Here is the story. T has moved a number of times in the past between several states. He becomes involved with a man and then moves him away from his friends and family so he can control the guy. He also "requires" the men he is seeing to turn off their cell phones when they get to his residence. He also requires the guy check in with him so he knows where he is. Basically when they are with him they are cut off from the world unless he wants them to be in communication. So no one can contact him even in an emergency. There is basically no intimacy in the relationship. P knows that T has a history of abuse, but he says as an abused man he finds it hard to break away from T. Things have escalated a bit since now T wants P to move with him to another city or state.

My questions are -how can I help P move forward on breaking all ties with T? -what support should I be providing to P? -why do abused men allow themselves to become involved with abusive men? -is there anything legally anyone can do in this situation?

Any and all advice and/or information anyone can give me is GREATLY appreciated.

-- Anonymous, February 06, 2002

Answers

A few recommendations (just personal recommendations, nothing official, of course):

If he's willing to look at the SAFE website, please have him do so. The more he reads about it, the better.

Look over the list of local services on the website, and see if there's anything available locally. Then also check your phonebook, and see if there's anything there that's not on the website. Let me know if you find anything else.

Counseling can often be helpful. Make it as easy as possible: give him a phone number, the name of the receptionist, tell him what to expect.

Realize that he's become used to being controlled. A way to imagine his mindset is to imagine him as being like someone living under a totalitarian government. Think '1984'. He's become used to thinking in the way he's been told to think. Try to remind him of what life is like outside the relationship, and that he deserves a relationship that's supportive of him. If he's afraid (which he likely is), tell him that there are ways to get out of his situation. If he subscribes to the safe-support mailing list on the website, he can get a lot of support on how to get out of his situation.

Legally... well, it's hard to say. It may depend on where you're living.

-- Anonymous, February 07, 2002


You said: "The abuse is mostly control issues with some mental abuse"

Sorry, but that just doesn't qualify as abuse.

If your friend P wants to leave his phone on, he can. It's called free will.

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2002


Marcus, there are several types of abuse. Some are: sexual, physical, verbal, and MENTAL! Have you spoken with DSS lately?

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2002

I'm sorry to hear about "P"'s situation. If I were "P", I too would have a hard time figuring out what decision to make in regards to my relationship with "T".

I spent 9 years in a acquaintance/relationship "thing" with a guy who I now feel never really cared about me. It was hard to leave the situation because, deep down, what really was the problem in me NOT being able to leave was my own self-esteem. I had let this guy become my higher-power. I let him control me through is actions. He was a successful person and I thought that I was supposed to be with someone like that. .... anyway, i found out that a part of my problem was that i was co-dependent.

I couldn't exist on my own without his recognition of me in whatever manner (verbally or mentally). I feel he abused his position in my life and took advantage of me in many ways.

I left him eventually after being called stupid, unworthy, bad, and, too emotional. It ended badly where I ended up being arrested for hitting him. For the next year after that, the guy I was with went on this crusade in telling everyone I was an abusive person. I was in counseling and cried a lot.

Now, a few years later, I look back and see that in leaving, I found a little more of myself. However, recently, I ended a relationship with this wonderful person who I felt was going down a road of verbal and mental abuse toward me. I got scared and hurt badly (but not as bad as the first time). I don't deserve to be put down for my social, political, and, personal beliefs on life. It's hard, even today, to stand on my own feet because I seem to want affirmation from others. It's awful!! he! he!

My advice to "P".......be strong. Love yourself more and do what you feel is right. Life hurts sometime and you have to find that part of you that will carry you through. I'm sitting here writing this with tears in my eyes because of all the things I wanted in this world, I want to be loved for who I am as a person. I don't need to be put down just so that the other guy can feel good about themselves.

Stand up "P"......you can do it.

Laters,

-e-

-- Anonymous, September 04, 2002


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