Only in Maine!!

greenspun.com : LUSENET : Beyond the Sidewalks : One Thread

Hubby and I laughed til we cried over this!!! At least it distracted him from his chess games for awhile :-)!

>>MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR MAINE REDNECKS >> >> PERSONAL HYGIENE >> >>1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is >>a job that should be done in private using ones's >>OWN truck keys. >> >>2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing >>for several days. However, if you live alone, >>deodorant is a waste of good money. >> >>3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social >>no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's >>jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. >> >>DINING OUT >> >>1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the >>paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" >>the fruit of the vine. >> >>2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold >>it with your fingers covering the label. >> >>ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME >> >>1. A centerpiece for the table should never be >>anything prepared by a taxidermist. >> >>2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no >>matter how good his manners are. >> >>DATING (Outside the Family) >> >>1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially >>on the first date. >> >>2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: >>"I've been wanting to go out with you since I read >>that stuff on the bathroom stall two years ago." >> >>3. Establish with her parents what time she is >>expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might >>say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is >>the man's responsibility to get her to school on >>time. >> >>THEATER ETIQUETTE >> >>1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and >>picked up immediately after the movie has ended. >> >>2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. >>Tests have proven they can't hear you. >> >>WEDDINGS >> >>1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a >>wedding gift. >> >>2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get >>you shot. >> >>3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure >>suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt >>can create a tacky appearance. >> >>4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and >>shoes for this special occasion. >> >>DRIVING ETIQUETTE >> >>1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; >>Even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. >> >>2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle >>with the largest tires always has the right of way. >> >>3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct >>tape. >> >>4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas >>can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. >> >>5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, >>especially when driving. >> >>6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral >>procession. >> >>TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS >> >>1. Never take a beer to a job interview. >> >>2. Always identify people in your yard before >>shooting at them. >> >>3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. >> >>4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to >>change the sheets. >> >>5. Even if you're certain that you are included in >>the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a >>U-Haul to the funeral home.

-- Anonymous, February 12, 2002


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