On 2/13/2002 10:55AM, John Perry Barlow wrote:

<> And if you choose to remain connected to me, despite the > practical near-futility of being so, I can't argue with you. >

Near Futility. It's just this side of Ruination. And I'm wondering how close to Futility I can possibly get.

I can't be disconnected from you. As you said in your first notes to me, perhaps it would have been better for us to forget we'd met, but you granted that would be near impossible. Pretty darn close to Futile, when you get right into the map of it.

> Sometimes I do feel like an obstacle to the smooth operation of your > emotional world...

Ah, yes, it's all you.

Here it is, 9 pm. Valentine's Day. You should see me - candles all over the place, flowers from Walt, another delicious soup - this time with curried shrimp and morels; and a raspberry fruit glace chilling in a silver cup in the freezer. Music plays. My hair's partially up, some falling down my back. I'm wearing a thin-strapped creamed silk 3/4 length gown, with a sheer robe flowing patterned in black, blues and greens, my wrists ringed with silver.

My wine glass empties of wine. I refill it.

I'm alone.

I'm going to eat, and see if this night has me on a date with myself.

I suspect that it does.

*****************

Time passes.

I'm done with dinner and into the Port. It's good, from some folks I'm acquainted with in Northern California.

I've been dancing to the candlelight; dancing to my beautiful dress; dancing to my wonderful dinner and my delicious wine. My bare feet dig into the thick pile of pale blue oriental carpet - I make the soft flames flicker while I slowly spin and match the planet's trance. I can't stop dancing...

*****************

I'm learning how to be alone.

So, what's futile about loving you? Absolutely nothing. To love you is the only end that loving you can rightly lead to. Certainly loving you with an agenda is futile. Loving you, and needing to be touched and cared for by One that I love, often - at the pleasure of whim - and having that One be you is impractical - for now.

But loving you, and choosing to remain connected to you, is no more futile than it is to try anything you deeply desire again. For I know that, in loving you, I'm loving myself. I have a picture of you in my mind, and that you is wonderful and respected - and that you cares for me, reminding me that I'm worthy of love. As you are so fully worthy of love.

Like Ruination, I suppose I'll just circle Futility for awhile, and see if I can find that side road I was looking for....

Happy Valentine's Day.

love,

cynthia

PLUR. Remember PLUR

Peace
Love
Unity
Respect

Peace
Love
Unity
Respect

Peace
Love
Unity
Respect

Peace
Love

-- Anonymous, February 15, 2002