Amazing tales from Planet Tabloid News that is out of this world

This week mullet hairstyles threaten a revival, boob enlarging cream which could save the NHS and the adventures of a pair of gay penguins called Cass and Wendle in the New York. But first, the news...

Continuing its famous battle against idiotic national stereotyping, the Sun this week reports that Brazilians, Italians and Latin-types generally are the randiest people on Earth, especially the older ones.

The revelation is based on a report from our old friends the Top Scientists who this week have been researching into the sexual appetites of the over 40s.

It seems that people who are over 40 have sex less frequently than younger people. Meanwhile Canadians, Turks and, of course, the French all have more sex than the British.

Only the elderly Japanese have sex less often than the British.

Regular readers will remember that three weeks ago the Top Scientists were saying that the way in which people drink cups of tea was the most reliable way to judge, for example, whether they are an axe murderer.

What is needed now is a three-way survey linking tea-drinking, age and nationality to sexual appetites.

Then we really will be on the path to enlightenment.

Mullet news

This week's contender for the best creative use of the word "could" comes from the Daily Express.

The paper claims David Beckham "could" begin a revival of the mullet hairstyle among footballers and fans.

Hairstyle expert Ray Seymour told the paper: "David Beckham is one of the world's most famous people in the country and is a massive fashion icon.

"The way David is growing his hair is definitely the way a mullet is started. It must be long on top and at the back and very short at the sides.

"Having a mullet is very unusual nowadays because they are just not trendy. It will be David's biggest challenge to make it fashionable but I am sure he will pull it off."

But there is no indication that any of this will actually happen.

Other people who have - or once had - mullet hairstyles include Glenn Hoddle, Chris Waddle, Dave Twaddle, that bloke who John Prescott hit during the general election campaign and the Smurfs.

Health news

This week the nation was gripped by the debate over the future of the NHS... and the discovery of a new type of gel which ladies can rub into their chest in order to make their boobs instantly grow three inches bigger.

The NHS is facing great dilemmas over how to ration scarce resources... but the miracle Boob Booster Gell, reports the Daily Record, costs only £60 a tube and "works by increasing blood flow to breasts, swelling them by one whole cup size!"

With shortages of skilled staff, dilapidated buildings and soaring costs hard choices will have to be made... not affecting Boob Booster which, according to the distributor "works like instant breast enhancement surgery".

"All the girls in my distribution centre have tried it and they have been amazed by the results. You see your boobs grow in front of you."

Wonders of the animal world

Penguins can be gay, the Daily Telegraph reports from the United States.

Officials from the publicity-hungry New York Aquarium on Coney Island have discovered that a nesting pair of penguins, assumed for the last eight years to have been male and female, are in fact both male.

Penguin keeper Angie Pelekedis, told the paper: "They're one of the most dedicated couples in the penguin enclosure. They sleep in the same nest. They even have sex, though I don't know how successful that is."

Planet Tabloid can meanwhile reveal that a dog at the nearby Coney Island dog pound has struck up a live-in lover arrangement with a bisexual lamppost and a cat has run away with a spoon.

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2002

Answers

nasty cat.

-- Anonymous, February 23, 2002

No news of the cow that jumped over the moon.

-- Anonymous, February 23, 2002

I'm glad to see that the U.K.'s Sun (like our own Weekly World News) upholds standards by only consulting with Top Scientists. I trust that the Sun's committment to quality carries over (certainly true of WWN) into other areas, e.g. Top Theologians and Top Psychologists.

-- Anonymous, February 23, 2002