I have just learned that, should they ever want to meet the conditions for joining the single European currency, citizens of the United Kingdom can no longer use the phrase "spending a penny."

The correct terminology would be "euronating".

-- Anonymous, March 05, 2002

Answers

LOL! That made my afternoon, Barefoot.

-- Anonymous, March 05, 2002

Oh VERY good catch--a little pisstol this morning, aren't we? Snort!

-- Anonymous, March 05, 2002

I had to convert U.S. dollars to Euro dollars today for a customer. About $800 in U.S. is about $860 in Euro -- not too bad.

(Still laughing, Barefoot.)

-- Anonymous, March 05, 2002

Standing on the shore at the beach in Kingsville, a Jewish lady from Riverside Drive watches her grandson playing in the water. She is thunderstruck when she sees a huge wave crash over him. Because when it recedes, the boy is no longer there -- vanished!

Screaming, she holds her hands to the sky and cries, "Lord, how could you? Have I not be a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not scrimped and saved so I could tithe to the Temple and contribute to B'nai Brith? Have I not always put others before myself? Have I not always turned my other cheek and loved my neighbors, have I not . . ."

A deep loud voice from the sky interrupts, "Enough already, give me a break!" Immediately another huge wave appears and crashes on the beach. And when it recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing ever happened.

The deep loud voice continues, "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

Grandmother responds, "He had a hat."

-- Anonymous, March 06, 2002

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Annoyed, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

-- Anonymous, March 06, 2002

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray- haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1944."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

-- Anonymous, March 06, 2002

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

-- Anonymous, March 06, 2002

Barefoot, the Jewish grandmother story is wonderful.

-- Anonymous, March 06, 2002

Glad you enjoyed it. I know it made me smile.

-- Anonymous, March 06, 2002

He said, She said:

10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen.'

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."

5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa."

4) Priest said... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'

3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the Hallway light on.

and the number 1 "He said...She said"..

1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.

-- Anonymous, March 06, 2002