All right, I knew it was wrong. I knew it was dumb. I knew I would have to hide it from my family and friends. If discovered, I knew I would have to bear the stigma of it for the rest of my life, an outcast, ridiculed by polite society, forced to exist on the fringes of civilization, forever unable to lift my face among those who had known me, nurtured me.

I KNEW. I knew the consequences, and yet, I could not resist the sudden impulse. I could not override the savage demands of my own frail human body. Sadly, and to my everlasting shame, I could not just walk away. The temptations of the flesh, kept at bay for so many years, came welling up inside my trembling shell and overthrew the artificially cultivated vestiges of decency, intellect, and basic self respect. In my moment of weakness, I threw away all that was my heritage of culture, scholarship, urbanity; embracing instead the demons waiting within the unwashed recesses of my soul, the coarseness of vulgarity, the crudity of tastelessness which reveled behind my empty eyes, and danced within the hollow ruins of the cathedral which had been my ordered life.

As my sole defense, I can only plead that it was not a premeditated action, not something that I got up that morning planning to do, not something I had ever considered in conscious thought. I entered late into my dwelling, and was simply overwhelmed by an accidental opportunity. I failed to realize in my moment of ill-advized decision, that unplanned opportunity is oftimes the doorman of Hell. I huddled, partly hidden behind the sofa as if the solitary eye of the demon could see me as surely as I gazed into it’s voyeuristic fantasies, mesmerized in my role as observer, as despicable as a peeping Tom in a convent. After a moment, my die had been cast, I could not turn away, I could not resist. In a simple stupor of acquiescence, I stayed, watched, partook. And when the referee finally pulled the raging bull, TNT Tonya, away from the pitifully defeated Paula the Pounder, my heart gave a cry of release, and I slunk away like any slimy thing to vanish into my own pit of convulsive introspection.

Forgive me if you can; condemn me if you must. I throw myself upon your mercies.

-- hiding (in shame@the.bayou), March 14, 2002

Answers

Yeah, yeah, I watched them two broads dukein' it out. That blonde one had a pretty good right. Somebody get the door will ya?

Anyways, what gives wit the headgear? What's boxin' without a little blood? That one babe woulda looked good even wit a flat nose. Is that the phone? An, an, why no body punches? Afraid to pop them ballons, ya know what I mean? (wink) Somebody get the door!

-- cauliflower carl (buster's gym@the.bayou), March 14, 2002.

Geez, Lon, by the time I got halfway through, I thought you'd gotten a tatoo on your butt...

-- helen (loftily@above.such.things.ie.no.cable.tv.here), March 14, 2002.

I had a technical design meeting at work this past week, and the first 15 minutes (that were charged to the project of course) were a discussion of results of the "fights".

Didn't watch it myself, but I knew Danny Partridge could take Greg Brady any day. Too bad they couldn't have gotten Nancy Kerrigan against Harding - kind of even the score so to speak.

-- SteveOH (thegoofycat@hotmail.com), March 16, 2002.

LOL Lon! I'd love to see what you'd write if you REALLY did something bad. :-) When is your vacation?

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), March 17, 2002.

Really do something bad? MOI??

Boy am I offended! Who said it was me, anyway, and just what's wrong with a tattoo on one's posterior, if it's in good taste? And I'll tell you something else, too..........

ooops, sorry, I'll have to get back to you; a rerun of "WWF Divas at the Beach" is coming on.

Oh, and we leave on the 4th for CR.

-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), March 23, 2002.

Lon, have a wonderful time! I wish I could hide away in your luggage! I'm soooooooooo sick of winter :-( It finally made it to a high of just -2 (just below freezing) yesterday and it's about that again today, but feels colder 'cause of high humidity. I need to move somewhere warm!!!!

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@telusplanet.net), March 23, 2002.

Tricia, come on down! :-)

So, Lon, IS there a tatoo? Huh? Huh? ;-)

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), March 24, 2002.

Lon Hope you have a terrific holiday. Maybe you will get time to write one of those lovely postcards when you get back.

Tricia We had 37C yesterday, but I never, ever get to see any snow. I'm very jealous.

-- Carol (carfred@hotmail.com), March 24, 2002.

Kato Kalin/Dwayne Bobbit. Whatcha think?

-- Carlos (riffraff@cybertime.net), March 27, 2002.

Carlos, I LIKE IT! I thought they mis-named the event anyway. It should have been "Almost-celebrities-that-everyone-has-forgotton-anyway Boxing"

I only wish I could get in on it. I think I could take a pummeling from Miss December, 1969.

And, Gayla, there's no posterior tattoo yet. However, I am preparing, as we speak, the area to protray a wide-angle panorama of the battle of the Alamo. (including the surrounding countryside) (and all the names of the fallen Texican heroes) (and their horses)

Pass the oreos, will ya.

-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), March 28, 2002.

Here's some milk to go with the oreos Lon!

Now ifn ya want a REALLY interesting, truly embarassing, love of a rude sport, anyone out there for women's ROLLER DERBY! I truly that that is the ORIGINAL debauchery! Helmets ripped off, pummelling a fellow derbyite with sheer glee! Now THAT's entertainment! (shhh- don't tell anyone, and never, never let them catch you watching, much less enjoying!!)

-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), March 28, 2002.

I wonder if people would pay a small fee for access to a webcam focused on the feed trough in the goat pen here? Posted feeding times. Tune in and bet on which goat knocks me down, and exactly when. See the mule toss big goats right and left while carefully stepping over Kritter Goat. See the chickens climb onto my head. Watch the dog step up right behind me as I try to step backward, balancing a hay bale.

What's the market for this? We could call it Mean Acres.

-- helen (daily@show.five.cents), March 28, 2002.

Helen,

when I heard about college coeds making money by placing wedbams in their bathrooms, I had the idea to do it also. I thought I'd put one in the shower and call it oldpinknakedfatman.com. Somehow, however, it just didn't seem like a rampant money-making idea. But, troughwars.com might be just the thing! Do you think you could keep the entire area muddy as well? If so, you probably got a hit!

---

-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), March 28, 2002.

C'mon. Aunt Bee, you can tell us. Our lips are sealed. You were actually one of the girls on Roller Derby, wern't you? Were you the short, little brunette that always zipped between the legs of opposing players? Or that tall, big ole blonde that always knocked somebody over the rail? Boy, oh boy, now that was entertainment!

-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), March 28, 2002.

Helen, I just asked my old pal King of Spain whether the feedtrough boogie would qualify as mud wrestling.

He said no.

-- Peter Errington (petere7@starpower.net), March 30, 2002.

Speaking of blondes....

A blonde went to the theater to watch a movie. As she got up to the window to buy her ticket, she found that it was rated R. The sign said "Under 17 not admitted without parent or guardian". So, she left and went to find 16 friends. :-)

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), March 30, 2002.

Peter, please tell the King of Spain that await his return to the mudhole of delight. Tell him also the mud is getting cold and hard to manuver in, so hurry up!

-- helen (rigor@mortis.mud), March 30, 2002.

To the many thousands of you (Gayla, Trish, Helen, and Brooke) who have asked to subscribe to oldpinknakedfatman.com, pleased be advised that it is not a functioning site at this time. However, we highly recommend our other venues:

reprobatesgonefishing.com -spend a virtual day with ole Lon and friends as they demonstrate the fine art of drinking , uh, er, fishing! Stink bait is provided, as is the aficionado’s essentials of Slim Jims, Giggle Juice, and Swisher Sweets.

inthekitchenwithLon.com - a live feed web cam experience with ole Lon as he prepares mouth watering gator tacos, eviscerates mounds of poached catfish, and extols the ectacies of sucking the head fat from boiled crawfish. X-rated on alternate Fridays, when nutria are prepared naked on a bed of boudan balls.

psychicfriendLonatthebayou.com - an interactive site which gives you the chance to have a true aberration of nature, ole Lon the Diviner, tell you what exactly is wrong with your sorry job, your sorry love life, your crummy kids, and other things which enrich your life on a daily basis. (for entertainment purposes only, because we're basically making it all up as we go)

fishingdogcrazy.com - a web cam set on the bayou dock where you can hang out with Katy the fish dog. See her foam at the mouth whenever a fish is landed; hear her yip and bark incessantly while anyone is trying to cast; enjoy vicariously a stolen snack of stink bait; revel in every moment of an exciting day on the bayou. (Sponsored in part by NoDoze )

We are sure that you can find one or more of these cutting-edge internet sites, as they bring you into the daily hubbub of culture found at the bayou, like fishing and...uh,..like fishing and uh ....eating....and uh.....drinking!

So please send a towsack full of somoleans directly to Ole Lon Enterprises, Rat Cheer on the Bayou, Texas, USA. Your personal password will be sent directly. (If you don’t receive it, well, they’re all the same anyway, just put in “I Love Ole Lon”.)

-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), March 30, 2002.

Ooooh! Sign me up!

-- helen (world@is.ending.what.the.heck?), March 30, 2002.

Ok, ok, ok, I just finished ROFLMAO over "which roller derby queen were ya" remark, (I was the brunette slider, BTW) when lo and behold! My wild imagination saw, in the flesh, in my mind's eye, OLDPINKNAKEDFATMAN.COM (!!!) Only to be followed by the enticement of viewing the sumptuous repast offered on inthekitchenwithlon.com, replete with the sensuous intricacies of devouring the delicacies only to be found and savored in the very heartland of the bayou! I swooned with delight at the vision of sucking the sweet tasty headfat of the tasty mudbug! And then to be further enticed as Lon offered his divination into my very soul! It is almost enough to make me head straight for the white lightening! Such a variety of netcams to satify every one of my soul's desires! This MUST be nirvana! My AMEX number is on it's way! Please send the treasured password MY way! I await the thrills with great anticipation!

-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), March 30, 2002.

Aunt Bee, Helen,

we do NOT appreciate scarcasm at Ole Lon Enterprizes!

-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), March 30, 2002.

B-b-but I wanted to see pinknakedfatman.com. I did!

-- helen (really@no.really), March 30, 2002.

But why would I want to visit "oldpinknakedfatman"? I see one of those every day already. LOL

On the cooking show, will you be saying "I gare-un-tee" every few minutes? I always find that part entertaining. ;-)

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), March 31, 2002.