An Irish bloke goes to the doctor, "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible"

He says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here"

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom,and then a £10 note appears. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?." "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man," shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another etc...

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1990 exactly."

"aaaah, dat'd be roit amount. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

-- Anonymous, April 07, 2002

Answers

The First Affair

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.

Then he gave her a stern look and asked,

"Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said,

"Not this time."

 The Second Affair A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery:

Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever Seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician,

"But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed,

"Schwartz is dead!"

 The Third Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.

"Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.

“The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water." The Fourth Affair A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 pence."

"ONE PENCE!" exclaimed the guy,

the barman replied "Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks

"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4 pence", he replies.

"FOUR pence!" exclaims the guy.

"Where's the Guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies,

"Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

 The Fifth Affair

 Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Becky," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."

He was insistent.

"Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I must

confess to you"

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.

"Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know" Becky whispered softly.

"That's why I poisoned you"

-- Anonymous, April 07, 2002

This bloke walks into a pub, goes to the bar, holds a voice-box to his throat and says robotically:

"A P-I-N-T O-F L-A-G-E-R P-L-E-A-S-E"

After the landlord's served him he asks the man "I hope you don't mind me asking but why do you need that to use that to speak?" to which the customer replies:

"M-Y T-H-R-O-A-T W-A-S H-I-T B-Y A B-U-L-L-E-T D-U-R-I-N-G T-H-E F-A- L-K-L-A-N-D-S W-A-R"

"I'm really sorry mate" says the landlord and disappears into the lounge.

Later, the landlord comes to where the customer is sitting with his pint and hands him a £20 note saying "look, I had a whip round with the regulars and we reckoned you deserve this for your bravery."

"G-R-A-C-I-A-S S-I-G-N-O-R-A" says the man.

-- Anonymous, April 07, 2002