Mom doesn't want me to move to SD to Homestead.

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I am at my wits end with my Mom.I realized going into this it would not be an easy task when it came to telling my Mom. She is always criticizing everything I do. As most of you know, I am buying my future homestead in SD. I mentioned that I want to go to SD before I close on the property to inspect it (want to make sure it is not on the verge of being condemned). Two of my sisters agreed to go with me next month so I would not be traveling alone. I have tried to explain to my Mom why I want to leave the area, but I guess she does not understand. It is not as if I have lived around her all my life. Out of seven kids, I am the only one that has grown up and moved on. I have lived away from her for years (DH was in the Navy). I hate arguing with her and I have gotten to the point that when she starts criticizing me I get up and leave her house. I try not to discuss it with her but she always brings it up, and every time she puts me down for it. I have told her that it is my life and that she has no control over what I do. I think maybe this is why she is having a hard time with it. I have heard just about all I can take from the whole family and I am getting to the point that I do not even want to go see them anymore. Out of all of my siblings, only two of them support me.

Rita

-- Rita (rlynchjarss@aol.com), April 24, 2002

Answers

The way I figure Rita, it is your life. You can't spend it trying to please the family. Do what makes you happy. Maybe if you're gone for a while they will realize what they are missing and things will be different. Life is too short to spend it being criticized, believe me I know. I have family members who assume because I'm a homesteader, that I'm a dirty, freeloading, foodstamp grubbing hippie....quite the contrary! They won't take any time to come see how I live for themselves. I am very happy knowing my gardens are tended to, my pantry is full, my animals are well taken care of and my hubby and kids are happy and loved.....need I say more?

-- Harmony (harmonyfarm57@hotmail.com), April 24, 2002.

Ditto!!!

-- Kris in Wisc (kkwoestman@yahoo.com), April 24, 2002.

Rita, do what makes YOU happy- life is short and should be enjoyed to it's fullest. If your family cares about your happiness they'll come around, if not, it's their loss (been there, done that.)

Good luck, and may happiness follow you where ever you go.

Stacy in NY

-- Stacy (KincoraFarm@aol.com), April 24, 2002.


Go.

-- Rick7 (rick7@postmark.net), April 24, 2002.

Try your best to ignore it Rita, and focus on living your own life. They already had a chance to live her own lives, don't let them dictate yours. What you're doing isn't wrong. I've seen this happen sometimes out of hidden jealousy. They might want you to stay because they themselves wish they could venture off, but for reasons like fear of unknown and deep roots that are comfortable and familar, they can't get up the courage. The average person nowadays moves several times in their lifetime and there is nothing wrong with that. Getting away from that critisism will probably be a weight lifted off your back. Focus on what you want, what you need and ignore their negativity. Do what you need to do, they'll get over it. If all else fails, may the bridges you burn light the way.

-- Dave (multiplierx9@hotmail.com), April 24, 2002.


It took my mother AT LEAST 10 years to stop worrying about me homesteading, and she doesn't really approve of it, but she doesn't get bent out of shape about it anymore, either. She was mostly just scared that I would get myself into trouble, I think. I never could talk her out of being worried about it, but when the skies didn't fall she eventually wound down.

-- Terri (hooperterri@prodigy.net), April 24, 2002.

Rita, we can't change our families, only how we react to them. If this is your dream, you must follow it. Sometimes we have to agree to disagree! Good Luck with your plans and I hope everything works out!

-- Terran in VT (homefire@sover.net), April 24, 2002.

My parents were the same way when I wanted to leave Southern California for Iowa 30+ years ago. My father kept telling me to stay in CA where we could make good money and then go to Iowa on vacations 2 weeks a year. I tried telling them money was not the issue, the way of life we wanted to live was. Why spend 2 weeks in Iowa when we could spend our life on our farm. We moved here without their blessings but they loved me and I them and it didn't take long for them to come around. They are both gone now and I'm so thankful we had a good relationship before the passed away. They came to visit us often although they never did understand why we wanted to live here with the horrid winters, "dirty" animals, out in the middle of nowhere, etc. etc. but they gave in and accepted our lifestyle in time. Arguing with them won't solve any problems. Just do it and keep in touch with them. Parents are hard to please sometimes but they do love us and we them.

Good luck!

-- Anna in Iowa (countryanna54@hotmail.com), April 24, 2002.


I once left texas to go back home, cause of MOM...I regretted it, big time. I left PA to move to Va, she hated it, but now comes to visit and we get along much better! You are grown, do yourself a favor and don't have any regrets! Bless you on your journey! Julie

-- julie (jbritt@ceva.net), April 24, 2002.

Rita..Sorry you are going through this..but I think Harmony is right..life is waaaaay to short to spend it arguing. Make your life with your hubby..they will either come around or they will not. You cannot change someone elses heart and/or mind.

-- Sher (riverdobbers@webtv.net), April 24, 2002.


SOUTH DAKOTA!!! I'd be mad to but them we are in Mn. LOL :<) Treasure your parents while you have them, but you have to do what's best for you.

-- John in Mn. (nospam@mywork.com), April 24, 2002.

the fact of the matter is , her approval or not, in essence means very little, other than her ability to send tremendous amounts of guilt your way now while you interact with her regularly... love your parents, but you got to do whats in your heart, and your mother knows this, its just hard for her to accept, she fears for you , and wants to protect you, and perhaps , even thinks your a bit off your rocker, but in essence, she wants you to be like her, thats what most parents dream of, <> but is the homesteading life way off the norm from your families point of view? thats kind of what i read in between the lines.... so from her background what youre doing seems absolutely crazy...:) i guess in essence what i am saying, is tolerate as much as you can now, because once you get here, it wont really matter, she will adjust, as will you .

-- Beth Van Stiphout , in ND (willosnake@hotmail.com), April 24, 2002.

Hy Rita!!I know how ur mom feels!! Goin that far away will create problums in the future!! As you mom ages you will be making trips back home !! But the decsion is still your own!! I moved to Alaska years ago and went trough Cancer with my mom and finally her death !! Then I moved back closer to my family Just in case !!! I found my place by acident or it found me where im at now!! Its not Alaska but i love my little place on earth just the same!! Only you can make the final decsion pray about it and follow your heart !! And like I told you before any thing i can do to help you just let me know ok!! Grizz!

-- Grizz workin near D.C. (southerneagle@yahoo.com), April 24, 2002.

Dear Rita.....You must do what you value in your heart! We are presently in the same boat....my folks have never appreciated any of my choices from husband to the farm, but God did not make us all to be generic people if you desire to live there it was put there by our creator. My family won't speak to me right now....there comes a time you have to say enough. My children didn't get anything for Easter, but my sister's kids did because my sister and husband couldn't think for themselves and followed my folks to Arkansas and we chose to stay put. These underlying issues have always been there since birth so it would make no difference what the issues were there would always be a conflict and they are a conditional loving family not UNCONDITIONAL LOVING FAMILY. I assume you have the very same conflict as I do. It is their problem not yours although it is easier to blame you. There is a good book out there called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend which will clarify whose boundaries they have crossed over. I feel for you...I can identify all too well. Just the other day I had to tell my sister to quit tattling to my folks about my life because we are pushing 40 and way too old for tattling. E- mail me if you just need to talk!!

-- Carla (herbs@computer-concepts.com), April 24, 2002.

Rita,

When your husband was in the service, they stationed him where ever he was needed, you didn't have much choice. Your mom had to accept that it was out of her control. Now, the decision is yours to make and she would like to control that.

It is time to move on, don't move backward. You're mom will be fine and so will the rest of your family. It's not your responsibility to make them happy. It's your responsibility to make YOU happy.

Start packing.

-- chickadee (chickadee@treetops.com), April 24, 2002.



Hi Rita,

Wow, can I relate!!! I had similar issues with my mom not accepting who I was and what I wanted. Hence I lived a miserable life for quite a long period - 1/2 doing what she wanted and 1/2 doing what I wanted. What a mess that was. At 30 years old I finally had enough. Only you can stop they way she treats and that's simply by not accepting it. You said you leave her house when she starts criticizing. Good for you. That's a big first step. I started talking to my mother as one would a child. "That was a rude thing to say." "Do you know it hurts my feelings when you say stuff like that?" In a sense I guess I started making her accountable for the things she said. When that didn't work I left the situation and/or refused to take part in the discussion. It takes time to change old behaviors but slow but sure you'll get there. Most of all, do what you want with our life. It's the only one you're going to get. Good luck!!

-- Stace (stacey@lakesideinternet.com), April 24, 2002.


I was raised on a 197 acre farm in Maryland. We had three gardens, chickens, pigs, etc.. We use to slaughter our own animals (will never forget carrying those headless chicken) so the homesteading way of life is not what it is about. My father passed away at the age of 63 and my Mom is all I have left. I will not wait for her to die for me to follow my dreams. I know that when the time comes and her name is called there is nothing that I can do about it. We are not immortal and death is a part of life. I know she will probably never accept what I am doing and I only hope that with time she can come to accept they way I want to live. I've heard it all from your kids will suffer to you will be on your own. I have told her that I have been on my own for the last 13 years and just a few years back no one would lift a finger to help when I purchased my home here in Virginia. Everyone thought I was nuts for buying a house (still haven't figured that one out). I wonder sometimes what her mother thought when she left West VA with no home, no money and five kids at the time, maybe one day I will ask her.

Rita

-- Rita (rlynchjarss@aol.com), April 24, 2002.


Another good book that probably almost everyone should read is "Toxic Parents". It's an easy read (not one of these thick books that you have to chew through) and gives some really good info on WHY parents may be a certain way and HOW you can deal with it. She classifies each type of toxic parent from abusive to apathtic (that's not the word the author uses but my sister has my copy right now :o) I highly recommend it to anyone with "parental issues". Blessings!

-- Bren (wayoutfarm@skybest.com), April 24, 2002.

I, too, was planning to move to SD, but my mother was against it. Instead, I moved to KY (She's in MI). It is closer for visits. I regret every day.

-- Gayle in KY (gayleannesmith@yahoo.com), April 24, 2002.

Go, be happy. My husband's family all scattered away from NY and his Grandparents remain. Every holiday or birthday, etc., they complain that the family "left them". Yet they live in an apartment not much bigger than a couple of horse stalls, complain about all the crime and people, have no parking spaces, etc. We always invite them to come and live with us, even offering to put up a small home for them, but they must enjoy complaining. They visit us and love the quiet, clean countryside, but still insist that we should move back there! It all boils down to "you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family". I don't know how old your mother is, but if there are so many family members remaining, there will always be someone there to care for her. We visit NY once a year (God I dread it) and they visit here once a year (Illinois). Go, don't live your life for some one else!!!

And Bren...Thanks for the book referral. Sounds like my sis and I will be reading that one. My folks are another story!

Cindy

-- Cindy (ilovecajun@aol.com), April 24, 2002.


I did a web search and wanted to pass on this link. It has some excerpts from the book "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life".

-- Bren (wayoutfarm@skybest.com), April 24, 2002.

You don't need your mother's approval OR your siblings either, for that matter. You are an adult so quit allowing those people to say anything negative to you. The day my mother quit criticizing me was the day she realized I really didn't give a #$#@ about what she thought! So, don't go to your mother's house and, if she shows up and starts in, show her the door.

-- Ardie/WI (ardie54965@hotmail.com), April 24, 2002.

Can you imagine what would have happened if none of our forerunners left their parents?? Maybe the American Indians would be happier;>).

-- diane (gardiacaprines@yahoo.com), April 24, 2002.

"I have told her that it is my life and that she has no control over what I do."

Odd thing about most people, they don't like being "told". You'll avoid many a useless argument by simply stating that you respect someone's opinion, but do not necessarily agree with it. Your choice is your choice, and there is no written rule which states that you must defend/rationalize or argue the validity of your choices (in this situation). Remember, aguments take at least two people.

-- Bert (Bert@sesamestreet.com), April 24, 2002.


Rita, Don't be afraid to march to a different drum. There's an entire band out their, playing your tune. None of us would have found our personal Camelots if we stayed close to Mom and Dad. What reason does she have to keep you near? If it isn't out of concern for your wellbeing or happiness, its misplaced and needn't take up residence at the top of your list of considerations. If it is out of genuine concern for you, then find a way to reassure her and put her mind at ease. Remember, there are not many thing we can do that cannot be undone, if we find they are not to be the solutions we hoped they would be. Live your life like you really mean it. Laugh often, love alot, but avoid negative and bitter persons. They only bring us down. I support your decision.

-- DWIGHT (SUMMIT1762@AOL.COM), April 24, 2002.

The best book I have ever read about how to deal in a positive way with parents(good or bad)is by Dennis Rainey. It's called The Tribute and the Promise/Blessing. It's a great book on forgiveness and changing hearts.

Rita, you are right to make your own life decisions. However, it's the wise person who seeks wise counsel first before making a decision. Ultimately, the final decision is YOURS to make after considering all the data/opinions, etc. Much success to you!

-- Liz Rhein (merhein@shentel.net), April 24, 2002.


Oh boy have I been there and done that! They will never give you a moments peace unless you are doing just what they think you ought to be doing. I finally had to cut those ties. I moved a couple of states away. I no longer have to take ulcer medication! Sometimes you have to separate yourself from your family somewhat and just come home around christmas and tell em you love them. My Mom moved 20 hours away(and of course now wants me to move where she is)....this has really reduced the stress on me(and the other family member passed away that was causing stress). Your family may not be like mine but it sure does sound like it. Assure them you love them, pray for them, but limit your contact with them.

-- Amanda (mrsgunsmyth@hotmail.com), April 24, 2002.

Rita, You didn`t mention what part of the state you were buying your land in. I live in the southeastern part, about 50 miles west of Sioux Falls. Also you didn`t indicate where your living now. Depending on your location, you may not be ready for the winter weather that sometimes happens. If you intend to move to South Dakota, I wish you the best of luck in everyway.

-- Joe in S.D. (jwjkaus@triotel.net), April 24, 2002.

Ahhhhh....A controlling mother. Must be icky. As a matter of fact I know how you feel come to think of it. :) Everything I do seems to bring out the negative in my parents. Not even in a mean way....they just make me feel like I am making mistakes and will regret everything. They are so afraid of failure and want to keep me from being unhappy. What a load!!! I tend not to tell them too much. And my mother wonders why. She even asked me one time why I kept my thoughts from her. I told her why, but that didn't change her. I love and respect them, but wish they would encourage instead of poo poo whatever I come up with. I still (at age 54) question and fear everything I do. (Lots of tummy aches over that garbage) I made sure my kids knew I understood and loved their "screwy" ideas. What a waste if one does not let their children be independent and CREATIVE. I wish you well.

-- Susan in Michigan (cobwoman@yahoo.com), April 24, 2002.

Bottom line advice.....Don't tell her anything, just do it.

-- Susan in Michigan (cobwoman@yahoo.com), April 24, 2002.

John, are you starting a border war? lol Rita, I hope you're moving to a green part of the state!

Sharon

-- Sharon in SD (bugstabber@netscape.net), April 24, 2002.


Griz is right, once your parents start to age and you want, or need to make trips back to be of help, it's very difficult. We only live 800+ miles away, right now, but that's hard when you have your own family and home responsibilities, especially when you have animals to take care of. It is something to take into consideration.

-- Terry - NW Ohio (aunt_tm@hotmail.com), April 24, 2002.

I think we must be related! My mom sounds like yours-so they must be sisters or long lost twins. I've been trying to prepare my mom that we're wanting to move in about two years and it just goes in one ear and out the other. So...I know we'll have another go around when the time comes. I think it's a shame that apparently I still don't have a brain(at 38) to make decisions on my own-I can only hope someday I will! :)

-- Terri in WV (mrs_swift_26547@yahoo.com), April 24, 2002.

Rita, The words, "I love you, But..." work miracles. State your position and say it isn't open for discussion unless they realy care to hear your point of view. It sounds like this is a done deal if the property is okay. Mom does not have to approve. Ask her to please not let her disapproval put a wall between the two of you. I think all of us that homestead or want to have faced the same reactions from someone. I am 48, been married twice, still married to one of them, raised 4 daughters, have 6 grandchildren, and was still scared to tell my Mom about how I want to live. She actually surprised me by being supportive. Y2K put a fear in her and she is still eating out of the cupboard she had filled. Then I found out that I have brothers and sisters that want to live like I do and are supportive also. For once in my life, I am about to do something they approve of.

Try to not burn your bridges, but do if necessary. Is DH still a factor? If so, he is the only one to consider seriously. If he is willing, go for it. If not, you will have to pick between him and your homestead like I have had to. The homestead wins hands down. He is welcome to move with meif he leaves his beer behind. This will be the first time in my life where I will be responsible for no one but myself and I do have doubts. My children don't like what I am doing very much, but they haven't been gone long enough to forget when they left me. hahaha.

try to make it work out with Mom but don't worry about it. God bless you in your endeavors.

-- Robin Downing (Southpawrobin1@aol.com), April 25, 2002.


Rita, The words, "I love you, But..." work miracles. State your position and say it isn't open for discussion unless they realy care to hear your point of view. It sounds like this is a done deal if the property is okay. Mom does not have to approve. Ask her to please not let her disapproval put a wall between the two of you. I think all of us that homestead or want to have faced the same reactions from someone. I am 48, been married twice, still married to one of them, raised 4 daughters, have 6 grandchildren, and was still scared to tell my Mom about how I want to live. She actually surprised me by being supportive. Y2K put a fear in her and she is still eating out of the cupboard she had filled. Then I found out that I have brothers and sisters that want to live like I do and are supportive also. For once in my life, I am about to do something they approve of.

Try to not burn your bridges, but do if necessary. Is DH still a factor? If so, he is the only one to consider seriously. If he is willing, go for it. If not, you will have to pick between him and your homestead like I have had to. The homestead wins hands down. He is welcome to move with me if he leaves his beer behind. This will be the first time in my life where I will be responsible for no one but myself and I do have doubts. My children don't like what I am doing very much, but they haven't been gone long enough to forget when they left me. hahaha.

try to make it work out with Mom but don't worry about it. God bless you in your endeavors.

-- Robin Downing (Southpawrobin1@aol.com), April 25, 2002.


We all have to try to make ourselves happy first.

Try not to burn your bridges, or get too argumentitive with the family. Sometimes it is a lot better to be firm & quiet, than to keep on arguing. :)

This is how I'm doing it. End. Anything else we can talk about?

I think the hard part is now, when they think they can still control you (or from their point of view, have your best interests at heart), and you wonder if you should do this or that... Once things happen, then everyone sorts out the pieces again, and if the bridges weren't burned, everyone gets along again.

Best of luck to you. As others have said, been there, done that. Survived.

--->Paul

-- paul (ramblerplm@hotmail.com), April 25, 2002.


How old are you? IF you are an adult you have to go where you're heart takes you....

But as a mother too I can understand her concerns.

Get everything all planned out, bring her lovely photos of your land, and tell her you're going but you'll be fine.

I lived in Hot Springs South Dakota for about six months in 1995 and loved the entire area!!!! The state is so diverse! best wishes! please keep us all posted on how it all goes! suzy

-- Suzy in Bama (slgt@yahoo.com), April 25, 2002.


Rita, here I am in SD, 14 years after I left (or should I say escaped?) my nagging parents in ND. They too put me down for just about everything I ever did - I just never did things "right" and, well, you know what it is like. The first couple of years were somewhat silent but after that they realized that I had made up my own mind and that was that. Absence also makes the heart grow fonder. Of course, they aren't too far away distancewise (125 miles). I am living my life and they now accept that. They do still make comments about why we raise sheep when the market is so bad, why do we raise meat chickens when it is such hard work plucking, etc., and don't we have enough to do with our full time jobs so why would we want to homestead ... blah...blah...blah. I respond with a "Because we feel comfortable doing it" or "For some strange reason it gives us peace." Hang in there and do what YOU want. And a warm welcome to SD. Where are you planning on homesteading? I am in NE SD. Good luck.

-- JoAnn in SD (jnehls@nvc.net), April 25, 2002.

I am in the unenviable position of having both problems at once. I dream of living in the Oklahoma mountains but my family lives in Dallas. All four of us sisters, parents and parent-in-laws are within 2 miles of each other. My parents don't want us to take their grand children that far away.(3-4 hour drive).My mom would die if she wasn't within a 5 minute drive from a mall!

My 19 year-old daughter and her husband and my 2 year-old grand son live with us. She told me the other day that her and her husband want to save money and move back to Lindale where his Horrible family is(2 hour drive from here) when they can afford a house. My heart sank! It is her life but it will break my heart if she takes my grandson away from a loving close knit family and moves in with a bunch of drunken, white trash, whores. (that is a KIND description of them). What can a momma do!

-- buffy in Dallas (buffyannjones@hotmail.com), April 26, 2002.


The property I'm buying is located ~136 miles east of Pierre, SD. I saw my Mom yesterday, she didn't say a word to me about SD. I think it has sunk in that I will go with or without her blessing. As far as my siblings, I have made it known to them that it doesn't matter what their opinion is over this matter. I can either leave on good terms with them or not, doesn't matter to me. I just hate the thought that my Mom is so against what I want to do with my life. But it is my life and I will live it the way I want.This is something that she will have to work out and I hope she does it soon. Regardless, when I leave for SD I will stay in touch with my Mom even if she never reply's.

Rita

-- Rita (rlynchjarss@aol.com), April 26, 2002.


Your mother loves you and is striking out in fear - of the unknown for her little girl, of being left alone (rational thought has nothing to do with being a parent - or there wouldn't be any!), of one of you dying alone and without the other, of losing control of her children (grown though you are, you are still her children) and accepting that you no longer "need" her anymore.

Giver her something to do that shows that you DO need her, and cherish her help with YOUR plans for the future. Ask her advice on real estate buying if she's already bought a house (if you have too, pretend you've forgotten). Ask her to set up some sort of communications schedule and program to keep you all in touch after the move. Put her in charge of the moving van/rental truck/flight plans - anything so that she has a real use and level of control in this (this will also free up time for you). You said that you are the only one who has moved away - maybe she sees it as a rejection of her and her choices (where to live and raise kids, etc). Even if this is so, swallow it and convince her it isn't (you're moving anyway, so a little pride swallowing won't hurt anything and it's temporary - you can spit it back out later). Ask her advice (and mean it) on meaningful things that only someone of her age and experience can help with. Make her a part of it, just make sure it's a part of YOUR plans. Once she is gone, you'll never have acess to this wisdom again, so make the most of it.

Have her put together a scrapbook of family traditions and photos, stories, etc that can be added onto on an ongoing basis so that you and your family maintain a connection to the "base of operations" back home, and make one of your family to leave there. Scrapbooking pages and accessories then make good gifts for the family back and forth - they can add the latest holiday/vacation/Uncle Ted's barbeque disaster #4/school stuff, etc to new pages and send it to you and you can do likewise for the "left behind" folk's scrapbooks.

Be grateful that you have a mother to aggravate you - many less fortunate people would cut of an arm to change positions with you for a day. It's a pain in the a**, but pain is sometime's God's way of letting you know that you still have something worth hurting for.

-- Soni (thomkilroy@hotmail.com), April 27, 2002.


I don't know how old your mother is, but I bet she sees you as the responsible one (i.e. the one who will look after her in her old age), and that's why she's upset. We all know families where out of several children, only one really looks after the parents when they need it-- the others don't even offer to help offset expenses or even to pay for respite care.

Chances are, even though she may not say it outright, that is what is really bothering her.

-- GT (nospam@nospam.com), April 27, 2002.


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