Daddy's Dating Rules - Joke

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I got this in an email today and it cracked me up. Hope you guys like it!

Daddy's Dating Rules

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay.
Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

-- Cheryl in KS (klingonbunny@planetkc.com), May 07, 2002

Answers

As the father of a hazel-eyed blonde who, in a few short years, will be dating, I copied this, to be handed out to all would-be suiters! Hope this will answer all their questions about what their dates father expects of them...LOL

-- Joe (threearrs@hotmail.com), May 07, 2002.

Cheryl -- this is hilarious! I forwarded it to my brother, who has a little girl who he idolizes. This could be him talking!!!

Love it!

-- Tracy (trimmer31@hotmail.com), May 07, 2002.


Cute Cheryl.......think I will copy it off and send to my sons and son-in-laws. Funny how protective they get with their daughters!!!

-- diane (gardiacaprines@yahoo.com), May 07, 2002.

I actually read part of this today in a book by Becky Freeman (Christian humor author) I was going to type it in and post it here, but you beat me to it!!!!

-- Melissa in SE Ohio (me@home.net), May 07, 2002.

That is great!! As the father of a 19 y/o Babe (She got her moms looks)I can really relate. So far I've been giving all the fellas a Rifle Bullit w/ their name scratched on the casing of it. I make sure they hold it at least once before they go out the door.

-- John in S. IN (jdoofus@hotmail.com), May 07, 2002.


My Dad was a man of very few words. When I had boyfriends come to meet my parents, my Dad would be in his big red leather chair with the gun cabinet behind him and he would always be reading Shotgun News.

I have three daughters and I am much more strict than my Dad.

-- Laura (Ladybugwrangler@hotmail.com), May 07, 2002.


OMG... I remember actually SAYING a couple of those things to one of my little girl's suitors a few years back.

I remember when our children were very young being at some family gathering and the topic being kids and the relative difficulty of raising boys and girls. Everyone had their opinions and expressed whether they felt boys or girls were harder or easier. The subject was pretty much exhausted when 'Grandma Dolly,' the family matriarch chose to speak. She had raised two daughters. I remember her words to this day.

She said, "You know... When you have a little boy you watch that little boy all the time... But when you have a girl you watch ALL the boys!" ;o)

-- Gary in Indiana (gk6854@aol.com), May 08, 2002.


Laura, that is exactly how one of my cousins who was dating a girl became close to his future father-in-law. The father was near a gun cabinet, supposedly cleaning a pistol, when my cousin walked in and said "Hey, isn't that a Colt Model 1917?"

The man, surprised at finding someone so young else knowing the gun model by sight, eased up some and in five minutes both were discussing all kinds of gun facts / trivia. When the daughter came down the stairs, ready for the date to begin, both men told her to wait a bit. Classic!

-- j.r. guerra in s. tx. (jrguerra@boultinghousesimpson.com), May 08, 2002.


I have used these and others over the years with the boys who have dated my girls. They've also been given demonstrations of what a well trained German Shepherd can do to someone I don't like. One more that I would add to this list that several have memorized is the "Definition of Curfew": the time that my little girl is safe at home with us, and you're out of here!

-- Fran (on MD's Eastern Shore) (simpleplesurzfrm@dmv.com), May 08, 2002.

I forwarded this to another friend whose husband is VERY protective of their daughter. She said the list writer forgot one thing -- the sawed-off hockey stick that is used to beat them about the head with if they ever THINK of hurting Daddy's little girl!

Typically Canadian, eh???

-- Tracy (trimmer31@hotmail.com), May 08, 2002.



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