...for a joke :-)!!

The Beginning Of True Love

Address:http://jjab.com/caughtmyeye.php3 Audio:http://jjab.com/sound/keeperofthestars.mid I thought it was kinda cute. Hope the site "worked" okay.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2002

Answers

Oh dang!!! I think I might have messed that up...sorry!

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2002

Why don't you ever see chickens at the zoo?

Because they prefer the museum.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2002

Anne, your joke reminds me of the time ex-hubby and I were playing "Pictionary" with his parents. I had the word "museum", so I drew a dinosaur and then drew what were supposed to be columns in front of it. MIL thought the columns were bars and shouted out "zoo!". We had a good time after that teasing her about being so old that she saw dinosaurs at the zoo.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2002

Good one, Anne! I'm gonna look for some more jokes later...maybe I'll do it right the next time :-)!! Come on, everyone...I really need a good laugh!!!!!

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2002

CONFESSIONAL An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times. Priest: Are you sorry for your sins? Man: What sins? Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you? Man: I'm Jewish Priest: Why are you telling me all this? Man: I'm telling everybody!

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2002

Okay, Wildman...here's one for ya along those same "lines" :-)!!

The Love Dress...

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute." The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress, reminiscing about her love life when she first got married. So, when she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.         "What ARE you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress" she replied. "Needs ironing !" he said.     _____

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2002

Oh Marcia, I know a lot of women who can relate to that joke. Men too. Most people look better with clothes on or in the dark. Here's one that's not too old.

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.

Wildman, (playing one upmanship)

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2002

I LIKE that one, Wildman!! I can see I have my work cut out for me to top that one :-)! I'm working on it....

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2002

I gotta print these out so my mother can take them to work :>)

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2002

This is fun!! (Wildman, that story was particularly adorable!)

An Irish guy walks into a bar..........

Sits at a table, orders three shotglasses of whiskey. Takes his time, drinks all three.

Next day, he comes in and does the same thing. Bartender says, " You know we could put all three shots in one glass for ya." Irish fellow says, "Ah, no thanks just the same, but I like to pretend I'm havin a drink with me two brothers who are back home in Ireland. Gives me some comfort, don't ya know?"

Every day for two weeks this fellow comes into the bar, sits down at his now favorite table, orders his three drinks, and sits quietly sipping them.

One day he comes in and says to the bartender, "Would you be so kind as to bring me two shots of whiskey?."

Bartender says," Oh no, did something happen to one of your brothers!?"

"Oh mercy no!" says the Irish fellow. "I've just decided to quit drinking."

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2002

Still trying to top yours, Wildman!!

One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky" in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more. "Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked. "Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight too."

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2002

Okay...this is really my last one since it seems that Wildman can't top my jokes :-)!!

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED: Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them, at funerals.

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2002

Those are all cute jokes. Is cute the right word when you're laughing out loud? Now, Marcia, I'm really not trying to play one upmanship, but here's my last one. Or maybe my next to the last one.

When I went to Calif. one year for a school, a friend and I would always try those little push carts for lunch. You know, the kind where the vender sells pretzels, hot dogs, etc.? Each day we'd try a different food cart. One day we stopped at one that had a grill and there was a huge woman with breast that looked like cantaloupes standing inside. She had on a tee shirt that was stained with mustard, grease and ketchup. No sleeves on the tee shirt and hairy underarms. Not a pretty sight but we were running late and needed to eat. My friend ordered a hamburger and I ordered a hot dog. She reached into the freezer, picked up a frozen hamburger patty and a frozen hot dog. Then she stuck the hamburger patty in her arm pit. I asked her what she was doing and she said she was defrosting the hamburger patty. I yelled "HOLD THE HOT DOG!!!"

Now, if we keep this up, I'll have to start remembering my good jokes.

Wildman, (ain't had a hot dog since)

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2002

Okay Wildman...you've got me beat with that one! In fact, I was speechless for most of the day :-)! I'd have to post some of Harry's "poker" jokes to top your joke....and I don't dare post those!!!!

-- Anonymous, June 01, 2002

Ok, Wildman, I think you are one of a very few people who can even make a really gross and disgusting story funny :) You're not really expecting us to believe that really happened are you? :Q Tell me it aint so!

Here's one that my girls said reminded them of my mother:

Son: Mom, Hi! How are you? How's everything in Florida?

Mom: Not too good. I've been very weak.

Son: Why are you weak?

Mom: Never mind.

Son: What's wrong?

Mom: Never mind. It's ok.

Son: Wny are you weak, Mom?

Mom: I haven't eaten in thirty-eight days.

Son: That's terrible! Why haven't you eaten in thirty-eight days?

Mom: Because I didn't want my mouth to be full of food if you should call.

-- Anonymous, June 02, 2002

Ok, this supposedly really happened in a drugstore in Toledo. A friend of ours' sister was standing in line when it happeded.

A lady was buying a box of tampax and layed them on the counter to be checked out. This was before the use of UPC codes. The box of tampax did not have a price on them. So the check-out clerk used the intercom to ask the price, therefore, the whole store could, of course, hear clearly what she said.

The stocker came back over the intercom and asked "Are they the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you have to use a hammer on and pound in?!"

The clerk asked "what are you talking about". He said, "the price of a package of THUMBTACKS!" She yelled back over the intercom, "TAMPAX, not THUMBTACKS!" I guess all of the people in the store were practically rolling in the aisles laughing.

-- Anonymous, June 02, 2002

Really funny, Vicki!! The woman buying them must have been mortified!! That story reminds me of a "Golden Girls" episode when Dorothy was buying condoms :-)!

-- Anonymous, June 02, 2002

A friend sent this to me today...and I thought you, Wildman, would apprecate it :-)!!

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me crazy while you drained the life out of me. Since you were satisfied and calm, finally I fell asleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you everywhere but to no avail. Only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still shows your mark, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you. As soon as you appear I will quickly grab you and will never let you go. I will catch you with all my strength so you won't disappear. I won't rest until I squeeze you to death and destroy you. DAMN MOSQUITO!

-- Anonymous, June 02, 2002