"Let's Do It Again"

July 7, 2002

Hello.

On approximately 7/6/02 4:38 PM, you probably wrote:

> About the west, I miss FIREFLIES the most.
> I see you there with the fireflies.

Yes, there are women who run with the wolves, and women who run with the fireflies.

> Not me.
> I like strong women, well-rounded women, smart women.

So far so good. You seem genuine in this. I can't tell you how many guys I've met that say this, but when we get right down to the meat/meet of it, they don't really mean it. Strong women are just the same as high mountains - there to be climbed.

> You know what it is.
> You mentioned it in an earlier letter and my ears pricked up.
> Tell me again.
> ;)

Ah, sovereignty. Yes - did you know that I started a country for my birthday last year, and that I'm the First Sovereign?

http://www.pontecorvo.nu
It's just a little thing.
I haven't had a lot of time to work on it, but someday I will.

Thanks for that info on the Irish, and what they knew. Yes, it's true. When we're given full freedom, you have us so completely...

> Take (prefereably red) apples. I like Braeburn or Rome.

Arkansas Blacks. Keep your eyes open. They're amazing. Or Pink Lady. Yummm

> You get Strength (oats), Wisdom (hazelnuts), and Immortality (apples) in a
> breakfast cereal,
> and
> that's something even Madison Avenue can't claim.

Beautiful! I love food with reason. Where are there more keys for what foods do? Maybe THAT would make a great foundation for a diet. I'm really ready for an expanded understanding of food.

> I'm almost never "involved" for the same reasons.
> Those, and I don't dally, tarry, shilly-shally, or use.
> And I don't fall in love easily.

So, what's going on HERE? Is this easy? It is amazing for me. Is it "just" our combined headlong Aries' natures dashing blindly into a box canyon, or are we really running straight into a new world that we won't have to turn back from?

> Listen Cynthia, You feed me. You feed me SO much.
> I'm flipping out over this.
> You are FEEDING me with your intensity and I'm loving every second of it.
> I'm in awe. I'm afraid to believe it and afraid it will go away.

It may. We shouldn't be afraid to believe it, though. THAT we can go ahead and do. We don't KNOW if this is IT, but we know what THIS is - we know that it's good, and it's fat, and it's more fun than either of us have had for a hell of a long time, yes?

And frankly, while this has qualities of speed and intensity that I recognize from previous deep infatuations, there are other things about our interaction that are nothing like those were. THIS is very CLEAR for me. There's a LOT of communication. There's an emphasis on sharing - not just falling into, but watching where we're going. Our eyes are open. We're not blinded (yet) by the pheromones.

I'm afraid of it going away. I'm afraid that you won't like me in person. But I'm more afraid of missing it than I am of losing it.

> You need to know:
> when we were talking about "qualities" (good and bad) and I said you might
> not like some things about me and that you haden't even hit on some of my
> most important good qualities?
> And you said, "what are they! Hurry up and tell me!" Or something to that
> effect.
> Well. OK now.
> Loyalty and devotion.
> That's two.

I hadn't seen those yet. I wasn't making my list up out of thin air, you know. I was describing things I had already seen.

I like loyalty and devotion. A lot. The best. I hope for those, but dare not presume.

> Oh God if this is real. If this is IT.

We know it's real. We can't know if it's IT, til maybe a LONG time from now. Maybe we just look at this like one of those tremendously long dissertations - we've made the thesis statement, we've gathered initial information - enough to corroborate our first assertions - and now we're just going to have to delve right into the muff of it and see and experience what's here.

> I want to be with you now.

Yes, same here. Very much so.

> I'm doing all the things I said I wouldn't or couldn't allow myself to.
> I'm FALLING for You, You Someone I met over E-mail.
> And I'm SO too sophisticated for that, aren't I?
> And You said "Coyote!"
> I AM Coyote.
> I thought I was immune but no.
> How could Coyote be immune to Coyote MEDICINE?

I was pretty sure when you said those things the first time, we were doomed.

> > And I'm RUNNING not chilling cooling refrigerating or withdrawing.
> I'm doing all the things I said I wouldn't because You FASCINATE CAPTIVATE
> EXITE ENTHRALL ENTRANCE ENCHANT and OVERMASTER.
>
> You JUST MIGHT have a love slave, hon.

YES!

> Maybe same me to you.
> See, if you hadn't been so persistent and interested and engaging you'd be
> just a nice lady on the internet I corresponded with.

This is a good lesson for me. When you started to slip back just a bit there, my feelings simply would not let me let you fall back into the pool of it without reaching out for you.

What I was feeling was very confusing to me, and way out of proportion to what I SHOULD have been feeling under the apparent circumstances. Part of what I've been working on over these last 9 months is to "go" with the feelings.

I don't mean to go with the Arian impulse for what should be DONE about the feelings. I mean go with - accept - feel - acknowledge - the feelings, without trying to talk myself out of them.

When you said we needed to go back to being mundane in e-mails - that whole bit - I can't begin to describe to you the level of despair I went through. The degree of despair and the feeling of loss made absolutely NO SENSE without the premise that I'd found YOU, someone who was more significant than I yet had the information to verify, and I was not ready to let you slip away.

> And then we'd meet at Burning Man and it would be like, "cool. Nice to meet
> you."
> But all this stuff, secret, sacred stuff has come up.
> THe "Etruscan (w)hole". >
>
When I said
> OMIGOD.
> OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD.
>
> I meant
> *OH* *MY* *GOD* >

This has truly been a very interesting twist.

Please be careful with your sacred ideas and images. I would be THRILLED if a story like this could be true for us. It would mesh with and explain a lot of sensations and thoughts I've had through the years about many things. But I would be DEVASTATED if I thought that I'd appeared to be someone I wasn't, and if I'd subconsciously played on that somehow, through my psychic capacities.

I realize that you didn't reveal this. I realize that I did. I know that makes this even more anomalous, and has highly suggestive implications.

I'm not dismissing any of this. But it's so special that it deserves to be protected from unwitting external exploitation. I'd want it to be true. I wrote that bit about my dream in the Garden, and I want THAT to be true. But I don't want to lose the dream, because somehow it keeps me going, even when it's all I have.

I'm sure we'll know more when we touch. There are other things we can do to access the information, especially since we can share ideas here. But what we should also do is continue to talk about the purposes served by reincarnation, and what that would mean for our own personal psyches and our own evolution.

Does the idea of reincarnation serve culture? Does it serve us? Apparently the church once thought so, and then changed its mind.

I think that a culture of recincarnate beings is ultimately more stable, and less fearful. I think that I should work hard to have that be a norm that is emergent during the time of Chasing Spring - perhaps this could be something that the Indigo Children would have set in motion in THEIR maturity.

If we set the stage for it now, by acknowledging in a scientifically appropriate manner the POSSIBILITY for reincarnation, and articulating the cultural and psychological purposes such a BELIEF would serve, then others could build on that permission and begin to explore it without the cultural biases you and I have hardwired into our psyches.

> Yes.
> Oldest Friend.
>

As above.

Trust.
Candor.
Acknowledgement that some things are worth forgetting.
Acknowledgement that some things are worth remembering.
Understanding that we don't always know which, so we get biological body/mind wipes til catalyzed differently.
Consequence.
Eureka.

>> to make you think I'm not. Of course, you know that's not
>> true.
>
> I know. I was teasing.
> Could you tell?
> ;)

No, I told you - I'm a literalist. That's ok. I expect you to fully abuse your privilege and delight in pulling my leg continually.

But look out. I'm gonna get you...

> Awe!
> God. Jeeze Louise. How can I love you so much and I've never even met you?

We could be projecting. You could be projecting all of your pent up desires for partnership and love onto me, and I could be the sort of nature that can wear them. You could have a lifetime(s) of desire stored up and in an unending supply, and you could continously project and I could continuously reflect.

I could be doing the same thing with you. If we do it successfully, for the rest of our lives - or however long we can manage it - and don't undermine it by dismissing the mechanism that makes it even possible for two to feel as one, then we did it. We projected love. We radiated love into the world. We got to feed on love. We didn't undermine the radiance - the projection - with a dissection that dooms the dissected. We went with it while it felt good and warm and we were fed.

Love is the photosynthesis of the soul.

> Awe Cynthia!
> There's only one logical explanation.
> We've met.
> Before.
> I try not to focus on that.
> Something happened.
> We got lost. Like lost in a crowd.

"I'd go there if... "

I'd go there with you, again.
If
I could know that forest world, again.
If
I could find my heart again.
if
You'd come home and not depart again.
If
I could trust my dreams again.
if
You'd found what you had left for,
long ago,
when you said you'd not yet finished
searching, learning, fighting;
If.

And when you said you'd work to do,
and told me you had rather stay,
but couldn't,

(for what called to you
was stronger than the love
that you had grown between us,

(stronger than the love
you had allowed between us,

(stronger than the love
that we had planned to hold between us
on that somewhen day,
that somewhen life,
that someplace world
where we'd first met and vowed,
but didn't know how
much was soon to come between us)

and still, you told me you were sad,
yet still you left,
and still you're gone,
and still, I wait sometimes -

no, I wait all the time,
I wait all the time.
But I'd go there with you again,
If.

***********

This is that poem I wrote newly for you last month, and it seemed like it was speaking to the fact that we did get lost. That's a great way to put it, and describes exactly what I feel.

I don't think we planned to get lost. I just think it happened - maybe like a very deep sleep; maybe we thought we had it "down", like the dalai lama(s) does/do - is he one or many? - able to find himself, life after life, able to be reborn near himself.

Maybe the Etruscans DID have that down. Maybe they were comfortable in knowing that they truly did find each other, life after life. Maybe the Tibetans keep that barely alive, and it takes a whole culture to generate the energetic continuity for that string of rebirths, but they have so little left - only fragments - and so only one or a handful of very accomplished individuals actual keep the thread going in this Kali Yuga age.

What would happen if you lived in a society where finding your literal soulmate was commonplace - where your mother did it, and your grandmother, and where everyone around you lived securely in the knowledge that they could all find each other again whenever they wanted? What if that was what happened when you "fell in love" back then - and what if, through reconnecting in love with your recurring partner, you also retained access to akashic record types of stuff, and got good at metallurgy and other very important things - ideas you'd had just before you died last time, that needed another lifetime to become manifest?

And then what if something happened to break that flow? What if, suddenly, forms were lost - rituals ended - rites of passage and entry were missed - and no one could find each other again? Wouldn't that be a dark world indeed?

I don't know how much to read into these moments and unveilings, Dan.

But I agree. We've found each other.

> We're found now. This is most precious: we need to guard, safeguard,
> protect.

I can cherish you.

> I feel helpless that I'm not with you.
> Nothing can stop me from coming to Burning Man.

Good. Then we'll meet again.

> THIS ain't no one night stand.

No, it's not. It had BETTER get that far...

> Same.
> Past lives.
> Gotta be.

So, what might we be about to do? What is it that we've planned? Or maybe this is where we proceed with the construction of a Kali Maw, a place to grab a new vector?

What if we go to Burning Man this year with a willingness to sacrifice our dreams - not that we won't keep working on them, if other roads stay veiled - but what if all we say is that we agree that God/Spirit has a VERY intriguing role it seems willing to play and so, maintaining sovereignty and the bottom line of not losing one another, what if we agree to be open to whatever spirit crafts for our growing in love?

What if we go ready to be loose with everything but our desire to know one another and the world around us, to serve well, and to see if our contact frees new passageways that we were unable to conceive of alone - "mnemotic motes" you said.

You spoke of holding the "empty place". I think that's one way of holding the spot open for god. THAT I can do. It's as you said above:

> I'd heard that God was Good.
> I didn't know God could be THIS good in realtime.

This is the essence of co-creation, I think.

I think that we're given permission to allow spirit into our lives to co-create and co-craft reality as little or as much as we learn how to resist or make room for.

I think spirit WANTS and DESIRES to play in the world with us.

I think that men and women in love practice giving over to the other in order to learn how to relinquish total control to the divine other. I think the divine other does not like milk-toast partners, any more than you or I.

Oh sure, devoted service is great. But that's not where the MAGIC happens, is it?

God can be VERY GOOD. God/Spirit can take your life to heights and depths that you would never have dreamed of alone. You wouldn't have had the audacity nor the hubris to dream that - until you'd spent a lot of generations in co-creation with spirit, as the Greeks and others have had, and learned enough of the Ways of Gods to manipulate them (til your short-sighted schemes devolved, generations down the road, into just another dead-end human tale, with a Coyote twist, and gave way to others more God-filled than you, with more exciting visions for spirit to manifest in partnership...)

I could see holding this space open with you. I could see making a pact - the three of us, you, me and spirit, and opening a Kali Maw together that was the most gentle, most loving, most velvet black silk wormhole that we'd all tumble in together (spirit drives during the rough parts) and seek to birth a star...

I could see continuing to pack, and tie up the loose ends of my story here, and hold room for possibilities with you that have no more shape than that - except for the fact that THAT needs to be, at least for a time, in the hardspace, and the wetspace, of bodies and eyes and hands and lips and all those other parts that coordinate into a whole colony of organized manifestation meeting another whole colony and beginning to trade in endorphins and vibes and mucho pleasurable yummies.

I'd love to see what a kind and benevolent, adventuresome, creative, audacious spirit, playing with two humans in love who want to play with IT, would do with us as the willing clay...

> I didn't want this to go in The Garden because frankly I'm not feeling
> particularly lucid.
>
> I'm very concerned over this tumor or yours.
> I'm not liking that one bit.

My suggestion here is to be easy with it. Like your eye, we don't know what it's here for yet. It isn't out to kill me immediately, or I'd be gone.

I'm tumor racing - and trying not to leave a mess, as I said.

These are good lessons. Good things to practice. They keep me from taking my days for granted. They keep me from letting things like YOU slip through my fingers, saying "there will be another one".

Leave the best Trace.

I don't want to leave no trace. I want to leave a trail that says that I walked here, and I want my passage to be inherently good.

Let's take our time with my tumor. I went through my fear years. I'm almost through those. Let's realize we're on the Edge, always, and we don't know how long we have. Let's not miss the life, nor the light, just because there appears to be more tomorrow.

I love you.

"Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you."
---Chinese Fortune Cookie, 5/25/02

-- Anonymous, July 07, 2002