My boss got this one on his e-mail and passed it on to us. I thought this was worth sharing.

"Things you don't want to say to the police when you get pulled over"

1. I can't reach my license from here . . . would you mind holding my beer?

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me; good job.

5. Are you Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you people had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

7. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay you salary, you public servant. Get me a glass of water now!

9. Gee officer! That's great. The last officer only gave me a warning the last time, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, just so one of us does.

11. I was just trying to keep up with traffic. Yeah, I know I'm all alone here. . . that's how far ahead the others are in front of me.

12. When the officer asks "Have you been drinking . . . you're eyes are a little red?", your response should not be "Gee officer, your eyes look a little glazed . . . have you been eating too many doughnuts".

-- Anonymous, July 15, 2002

Answers

Hilarious! Thanks! Hope I don't find myself in the position of having to use one (or any....)!

-- Anonymous, July 18, 2002

Hee Heee..

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2002

I got a "walk" one time for being honest and just saying "Yessir. I deserve the ticket. I wasn't paying attention and didn't see you. I never would have tried it , If I saw yor bike there." The cop said after all the whoppers that day, it was refreshing to simply hear the truth. :>)

-- Anonymous, July 21, 2002

Ok, so this has nothing to do with getting stopped by the cops,and is of questionable taste, but it IS humor........

Soup Spoons & Restrooms

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket. When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."

As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said, "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was rather impressed.

The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice."Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?"

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of...you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent"

"Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

-- Anonymous, July 21, 2002

Jay...okay, you got a "walk' one time, BUT what about the other times :-)??!!

EM...Gross!!!! But funny!!!

-- Anonymous, July 21, 2002

I had a jammer unit that showed my car going in excess of 700 mph. As I tooled by at 65 to 70, the cop would be slapping his radar unit and shaking his head :>)

-- Anonymous, July 22, 2002

Dr. visit

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.

She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

-- Anonymous, July 26, 2002

Okay EM...cool it with the "blonde" jokes!! UNLESS you're talking about a male blond :-)!!

-- Anonymous, July 26, 2002

Hehe.....Marcia, I feel I am perfectly justified in sending blonde jokes, since I is one! ;0

-- Anonymous, July 27, 2002

Yeah...you're right, EM. If we can't poke fun at ourselves then we shouldn't poke fun at others :-)!! So bring on them "blond/blonde" jokes. I can take it!! Besides that, I'm only 90% blonde!

-- Anonymous, July 28, 2002

Hey, what IS this -- a board full of blond people?! Well, I'm not one of them, I'm rat-headed, er, red-headed, red-haired, something like that .. . .. But Marcia, and EM, and Annie, and if I remember right, sheepish . . . who else? I know Debra and Trennie have dark hair . . . and Sherri is one of the red-heads . . . Anyone else want to confess? If you don't want to confess to grey, tell us what color it WAS when you were young and/or had any hair.

-- Anonymous, July 28, 2002