NRO

August 6, 2002

50 ways to beat the heat

With summer hard upon us, the heavy August air covers these United Sweltering States like a horse blanket. It's definitely time to update the annual list of heat-beaters before we all evaporate:

1. Turn off talk radio, watch an old movie instead of Chris Matthews, don't think about the stock market, and avoid the neighborhood bore who always wants to stop and chat. In the sun.

2. Have a piece of watermelon instead.

3. Recall the lightest, most elegant, cooling dessert you ever had.

4. Make some fresh lemonade. Or as Robert Benchley once advised, get out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini.

5. Think of the pure, crystalline beauty of the Pythagorean Theorem.

6. Call an old friend who now lives in Fairbanks.

7. Avoid sitcoms, rock 'n' roll and talk shows.

8. Decorate with green, leafy things, but not kudzu.

9. Take siestas; arrange to live in the early morning and after twilight.

10. Don't hurry back, or anywhere else. If you must hurry, do it slowly.

11. Park in the shade.

12. Key lime pie.

13. Wear a hat.

14. Give the kids a nap. Take one yourself.

15. Sit on the front porch. In a swing. Under a fan. Especially if it's glassed-in, air-conditioned, in the shade, and surrounded by cool greenery.

16. Read last January's weather news, with especial attention to blizzards and ice storms. Think glaciers.

17. Take a thimble-sized cup of hot soup before supper to whet the appetite.

18. Switch from Beethoven to Mozart, big-band to chamber music, red to white wine, gin to tonic, cornbread to beaten biscuits, humor to wit.

19. Go fishing. Early in the day. Without fancy lures, rod 'n' reel, or other impedimenta. Pack a picnic breakfast, choose unfrequented spot off beaten path, lie down and clear the mind.

20. Have a tall cold one. With a hot dog. At a minor league ballpark. Luxuriate in the nostalgia. My recommendation: Ray Winder Field in Little Rock, Ark.

21. Smile. It costs no more. Think of it as a gift to all you encounter.

22. Wear white and play The Great Gatsby to beat the band.

23. Swim.

24. See the movie "Dr. Zhivago." Stay to see snowy scenes twice. Suddenly Siberia looks swell.

25. Iced tea.

26. Contemplate the coming of the next ice age.

27. Read up on the culture of the Eskimo.

28. Plan an expedition to the South Pole.

29. Stock up on watercress and cucumbers.

30. Carry a handkerchief. A big one. A bandana. Maybe two.

31. Walk on the shady side of the street, of course. (Visitors from Up No'th have to be reminded.) Also park there. Whoever designed the treeless parking lots around shopping malls should have to park in one every day in August. Let the punishment fit the crime.

32. Remember what Satchel Paige said: Don't look behind you; somebody might be gainin' on you. Also Paige's Law No. 2: Step lightly; do not jar the inner harmonies.

33. Read "Gorky Park" or some other detective story set in a cold climate. Or check out Howard Hawks' arctic and antic sci-fi classic, "The Thing From Another World." Rent any old horror movie that makes you shiver/laugh.

34. Send the kids to see the grandparents.

35. Grandparents: Take a week off by yourselves.

36. Think what Stockholm must be like. Also Spitsbergen.

37. Go for a walk at dawn, preferably without having to get up at an early hour.

38. Ice cream.

39. Simplify, simplify, simplify. Think Margaritaville, not Martha Stewart.

40. Attend a seminar on cryogenics.

41. Learn how to ice skate.

42. Wonder about the Laplanders.

43. Go ahead, try the waterslide.

44. Think on not having to put up the Christmas decorations, cook the turkey, or build a roaring fire.

45. Smile in the sure knowledge the damper on your fireplace is closed.

46. Inspect the refrigerator.

47. Consult the atlas on the location of Novaya Zemlya, the Bering Strait and penguin population patterns. Study up on the Aurora Borealis.

48. Read Jack London's "To Build a Fire."

49. Be nice.

50. Take the columnists with an extra grain of salt.

-- Anonymous, August 06, 2002

Answers

51. Install central a/c. CRANK IT!

52. Move to Sasskaton, (sp?) Canada

53. Get a job stocking the freezer section at Kroger.

-- Anonymous, August 06, 2002