I am in a tense situation. I am not Catholic, but have been convinced to become one by my girlfriend. I love her very much, and I have found God in these recent weeks, so there was no question that I would not agree to it. However, I was married at one time, nearly 12 years ago. When she found out and reacted, I was devasted. The previous marriage was not Catholic, and was not even religious. It involved a JP, and it did not take place in a church. Furthermore, there was no real love present as the ultimate reason for me marrying her was to get her out of an abusive family. In the end, I had to divorce her because she had run off and moved in with another man after only 18 months of "hell". We were never baptised, and we did not ask any religous person to bless our union in any way.

It was a stupid mistake that I have been paying an emotional toll for a long time now. I want to marry my Catholic girlfriend, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. She said that I needed an annullment, but being so new to the faith, I do not know what to do. This is so difficult for me, and I just want the right thing to be done. I have prayed and prayed and prayed to God that her and I could live in love for the rest of our lives, but now it seems that a mistake from my past could still ruin my future.

Am I to be ruined now, and to never be able to be with the woman that I love so much? From what I have read in this short time, my first marriage does not count since it was not Catholic. Is this true? How can I get it annulled? There has got to be a way to do this. I love her so much and I doubt that I could possibly live my life without her.

Concerned and hopeful,

Jeffrey Allison

-- Jeffrey Allison (jeffallison_123@hotmail.com), August 24, 2002

Answers

Jeffrey speak to your local priest and see what he says. Below is a link to marriage threads dealing with questions like yours.

Good Luck and God Bless

http://www.greenspun.com/bboard/q-and-a-one-category.tcl? topic=Catholic&category=Marriage%2fDivorce

-- Kiwi (csisherwood@hotmail.com), August 25, 2002.

Well, she found her own answer without too much effort on her part, and it looks like I'm out of luck. I hope that anyone that reads this understands the sheer amount of hatred I hold for myself now. I will still contact a priest near me, but I duobt that it will have any effect on her decision, since she's so stubborn in her beliefs.

Looks like that I'll have to live with my mistake to the end of my days without the possibility of a chance to make things right. I wouldn't ever wish her to turn her back on her beliefs, but it seems to me that something might be wrong with some of those beliefs if it causes this much pain and sorrow. I don't think that this could possibly be the way that God planned these things, and the humans that set these doctrines down long ago in the past should be ashamed of themselves for such cruel and strict guidelines.

I hope God is with with anyone who reads this thread and feels for my situation, because he sure isn't with me right now.

Lonely again,

Jeffrey Allison

-- Jeffrey Allison (jeffallison_123@hotmail.com), August 25, 2002.

Pursue it further, Jeffrey. If God intends it to be, then it will be. If not, then not.

Even if not, your newfound faith is still priceless and necessary.

From time to time, being a Catholic is extremely difficult and requires a tremendous amount of 'longsuffering'. The reward is great in the long run, so I would say, take up your new Faith with a vengeance regardless of how it turns out with your girlfriend.

The situation you have now with your girlfriend is somewhat analogous to humanity's relationship with the Creator... we are separated from him by our own doings and long to be forgiven, to be re-united. Fortunately in his great love for us He has made this possible through Christ and His Church.

But regarding your girlfriend, the sense I get of it from your post is that you might be giving up without going the distance investigation-wise. Don't give with only a short investigation... go find out by pursuing it as far as you can. It may have a happy ending for you.

-- Emerald (emerald1@cox.net), August 25, 2002.

Jeffrey, you told your story (a bit differently) on another thread -- which I came across before this one. Let me reproduce here part of the answer I gave to you there:

Tomorrow is Monday. Please call your friend's Catholic pastor and ask for an appointment to discuss the situation. Although your past "union" will be considered "presumptively valid" at the beginning of the process, the marriage tribunal may find it to have been invalid, leaving you free genuinely to marry for the first time in your life.

Spending this time with the pastor will also help you to become involved in instructions that will lead to your becoming a baptized Catholic. Please make that call tomorrow. Welcome to the Catholic household!

God bless you. John

-- J. F. Gecik (jfgecik@hotmail.com), August 25, 2002.

Dear Jeffrey,

I'm so sorry that you're having so many difficulties. All I can add to what the others have said is that I'll pray for both of you. God bless you!

Love, :-)

-- Christine L. (christinelehman_@hotmail.com), August 26, 2002.

I have found myself in a similar situation, but slightly different from most I've heard, so I'm still confused. I am a practicing Catholic and have never been married. My boyfriend is baptised Catholic, but not confirmed or practicing. He was married to another non-practicing Catholic by a judge and has a civil divorce. Can we still be married to one another in the Catholic Church? Does the Tribunal need to decide if his secular wedding was valid or if God was present during the union? If so, what is the process?

Very important to me! Thanks,

Lori Boland

-- Lori Boland (loribolands@yahoo.com), January 14, 2003.

Yes, he needs to check with a priest. Since he was baptized Catholic, he should not have married outside the Church, and must clear this up with the Church if he wants to marry you. Good luck! :- )

-- Christine L. :-) (christine_lehman@hotmail.com), January 14, 2003.

Since you plan to become Catholic and you weren't baptised at your first marriage you may be eligible for the Pauline Privilege which can disolve the 1st marriage even if it was valid. The church does not have the power to disolve a sacramental valid marriage but it can disolve a non sacramental marriage. Your first marriage was not sacramental because one or both of you were not baptized. To learn more about the requirements for the Pauline Privilege do a search at google.com. I sensed from your 2nd post that you may have decided against joining the Catholic church. Arre you really serious about joining the church? If you are unable to marry your girlfriend will you still become catholic?

-- bon (niebon@yahoo.com), July 05, 2003.

I have told my story before, so I'm sorry for repeating myself to the regular members of the board.

I was raised Protestant and married Protestant. I was divorced, and left the Protestant "church" and became an agnostic.

I met my "non-practising Catholic" second husband during this time that we were both away from God. We were married in a civil ceremony.

He had been married to another Catholic before, in a civil ceremony, but SHE had been married before in a Catholic Church to another Catholic. (Aren't we sinful creatures silly the way we entangle our lives outside the plan of our Creator?)

Anyway...

I had to get an annulment, which took about a year and a half. Then, I was admitted to the Church, this last Easter Vigil. I was then free to marry.

My "husband" then had to get a "Lack of Form" for his first marriage, which only took about two weeks because the church didn't recognize his first marriage, due to the fact that his wife was already married in the Catholic church.

We were then both free to marry in the Catholic Church just a month ago. (We practised chastity from the time of my baptism in April, until the marriage...and yes, we had been living in sin before that, for you legal-types. :o)

I am not advocating anything that I did. I am ashamed of my past, however...Christ CAN make all things new.

Hang in there, and don't give up. It's worth the "long walk"...besides, if we follow Christ, we'll be walking with Him for the rest of our lives, so what's a couple of years for His sake?

God Bless,

-- Victoria (tecdork99@pvfnet.com), July 11, 2003.

Wow, I didn't realize that this thread still existed. Anyway, everything has been worked out intelligently and my girlfriend and I are getting married this August 9th. No silly annullment, no more Catholic rhetoric as she has pretty much come to her senses and realized that the world is a much wider place than the narrow one she was taught to see, and is no longer considering herself Catholic. She could not idly stand by and watch me be put through all of what was going to happen, and she reacted in the best and most intelligent way that she could. She also understood the sacrifices that I was about to make, and she realized that they weren't ones that had to be made.

I honestly appreciate all of the responses on this. It's good to know that there are real people that could be concerned for a touchy subject as this was. Thank you for all of you responses, and I hope that life treats you fairly and decently for ever more.

Jeffrey Allison

-- Jeffrey Allison (jeffallison_123@hotmail.com), July 11, 2003.

If you had any understanding of what you have caused her to give up, you could not have asked her to do so, and still claim to love her. But then again, if she had any real understanding of what she is giving up, she couldn't give it up for you or anyone else.

-- Paul (PaulCyp@cox.net), July 11, 2003.

Thank you for responding to this thread. I just wanted to point out one thing to Paul, and that is I never asked her to give up anything. I would never do that to her or to anyone that loved me, ever. I'm going to put this into the thread, but I'm afraid its just going to start a flaming war. We've made our own decisions, and we're happy and content, no less so than a Catholic would be with their own choices.

Thank you,

Jeff Allison

-- Jeff Allison (jeffallison_123@hotmail.com), July 14, 2003.

Jeffrey,

I think I can understand why Paul reacted the way he did. After all, your original post was almost a year ago, and suddenly you return to tell us you are getting married. You then proceed to bash the Catholic Church. It is only natural that Paul, a staunch defender of our Faith, would respond the way he did. Had you made your announcement with a little more tact, then Paul may have reacted differently.

I pray for you and your future wife. I pray for your future happiness in life together, and that you will one day return to the Church and Faith you have left behind.

Pax et Bonum.

-- Thomas (tcdzomba@excite.com), July 14, 2003.