Dear Gill i have been with my husband for ten years i love him but i am not in live with him i dont fancy him in the slightist i have tried ti rekindle it but it just isnt there anymore do you think i have done the right thing in splitting up with him we have two beautiful children who we both adore and still keep in contact alot but he wants more but the thought of him touching me makes me feel sick what can i do

N

-- Anonymous, September 30, 2002

Answers

Dear N

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling this way just now. It must be very difficult for you. It is never easy when we fall 'out of love' with someone and you must be finding it quite a strain when your husband is wanting more out of the relationship than you feel that you can give.

I wonder if you could tell me a little more about your feelings for your husband, and when you think this change might have started.

I imagine that your children must be quite young. This doesn't always allow us the time we would like to keep a relationship fresh. Children keep us so busy, and our responsibilities inevitably change, along with some of our priorities. Can you remember what it was that attracted you to your husband at the beginning?

If you would like to tell me more I will try to help you through this in any way that I can. I hope you do contact me again.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sandy

-- Anonymous, September 30, 2002

Hello N Life sounds pretty unhappy and stressful for you right now.

You say that you've been with your husband for 10 years, but that you don't love him or fancy him any more. Would you be able to pinpoint any event or particular time when your feelings started to change?

Everyday responsibilites of marriage and young children can make us lose our own sense of identity and may certainly seem overwhelming at times, even within the strongest of marriages.

I do hope you contact me again as I think we could certainly discuss your needs as an individual and what may be the best way forward for you since making the decision to split. Would you like to start by talking about what caused your change of feelings toward your husband and why? I look forward to hearing from you. Kind regards Suzanne

-- Anonymous, October 01, 2002

Dear N

Thank you for writing to me about your problem. It sounds painful trying to meet your own needs and those of your children and husband. You say that he wants more out of your relationship but that you don’t even want him to touch you. You also say you love him, but are not ‘in love’ with him. Can you tell me what you mean by this? Perhaps this might be a starting point for showing your husband how you feel your relationship has to change now that you have separated?

If you would like to write to me again with some more information, or just to let me know how the situation is developing, I will be happy to help you in any way I can.

Best wishes

Paul

-- Anonymous, October 01, 2002

Dear N, It's very understandable how you might be feeling just now - there seems a lot at stake for you, your children and your husband and you are wondering whether you've done the right thing in parting. Also the need for you to hold, quite rightly, on to how you feel about your lack of sexual feelings now.

It sounds as if splitting up has given you a chance to relook at your relationship and perhaps for your husband too. You both have a loving commitment to your children who you adore and your husband is hoping for more.

You say that you love him but not 'in love' with him. Am I right in thinking that when you were 'in love' your sex life and relationship were good for you? Could you tell me a little more about this and when things changed? You mention that you have tried to rekindle the feelings - It could perhaps help you, and me, to make sense of what has happened and whether or not you might feel there could be a possibility of things being different between you.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Marnie

-- Anonymous, October 03, 2002

Dear N

Thank you for getting in touch with me. I have read your message several times and I am wondering about the best way we can work together.

You say both you and your husband adore your children and that is very good to hear.

It sounds as though you worry a lot about your relationship with your husband and feel very confused and unsure about your feelings towards him.

Would it be useful for you to talk some more about this and perhaps explore why and when your marriage lost some of its original sparkle?

I hope to hear from you again soon

Yours sincerely

Catherine

-- Anonymous, October 04, 2002

Dear N

Sometimes when a relationship ends up in the position you have found yourself in-not in love anymore with your partner and not being up to be close to him physically-then perhaps it is time to be apart for awhile and give yourself space and time to sort out what is going on. You sound a little ambivalent in your feelings towards him-I love him but I am not in love with him-pretty powerful emotions. I think there are some really deep and personal issues going on for you here-the pain and anguish is very real for you. I invite you to share a little deeper with me when we next meet over the net Tony

-- Anonymous, October 04, 2002