I am a non-Catholic divorcee who is very much in love with my fiance who is a Catholic. My first marriage was not in a church; rather a small, civil ceremony. The marriage was void of love,respect,and most importantly God. My fiance and I are wishing to get married through the Catholic Church in early 2004; I am currently in the process of taking conversion classes so that I may become a Catholic. Do I need to divulge that I am a divorcee to the priest when we meet with him? Does the Church research our backgrounds (in particular, my background and the fact that I am a divorcee from a non-Catholic marriage)?

-- Whitney Smith (whitney777@msn.com), November 02, 2002

Answers

Hello, Whitney.

Your questions are very easily answered ...

Yes, you do need to reveal the fact that you were previously married. And you need to do it as soon as possible -- on Monday, if you can. Please call (or ask your friend to call) the priest to make an appointment to discuss this.

The Church will not secretly "research" your background at all. Instead, the Church expects you to explain, via a written questionnaire, certain relevant matters pertaining to your marriage. Others, include your ex-husband, will be invited to contribute their testimony -- but will not be compelled to do so. Everything is done in a compassionate and respectful manner. There is only one purpose in all of this -- namely, to determine whether or not there was full, free, and valid consent given by both you and your husband on your wedding day. (What happened after the wedding day is ignored unless it clearly reveals something that was true on the wedding day.)

The information provided will be considered by a panel of highly trained experts called a "marriage tribunal." The reason for this is to determine whether or not your marriage was a valid one -- i.e., whether or not God joined the two of you together on that day. If God did join you, there is nothing that can end your marriage except the death of one of you. If he did not join you, then the tribunal will formally declare that fact, and you will be free to truly marry for the first time in your life.

From what you have written, I suspect that what I have just told you will come as a quite a surprise. I hope that you will be able to overcome any reluctance to act and that you will proceed as I have recommended. There really is no other way by which your friend, as a Catholic, can validly marry you. An "attempt" to marry without the tribunal's action would be invalid for both of you, and your friend would not be permitted to partake of any of the Catholic sacraments until the situation would be "cured" in the future.

In case it has not occurred to you while reading the above, the tribunal may determine that you are actually still married. (The Church does not recognize divorce except as a sort of formal secular separation.) For this reason, it is not possible for your friend to choose a wedding date, etc., or even to speak of being your fiance. I'm sorry, I don't mean to offend you -- but only to speak frankly.

God bless you.
John

-- J. F. Gecik (jfgecik@hotmail.com), November 02, 2002.

This sounds like the situation my daughter is in at the present time. She is Catholic and never been married and he is Baptist and has been married but is now divorced and has been for several years. He had gotten married by a Baptist preacher at a small ceremony in Gatlinburg, Tenn. They want to get married in the Catholic church with a large Catholic wedding. Can they get married in the Catholic Church? In answer to the question about the person being married in a Civil ceremony I understand that this would make the marriage invalid in the eyes of the Catholic church if a Justice of the Peace performed the ceremony.

-- Marjorie Rose (MMargierose483@cs.com), December 19, 2002.

Hello, Marjorie.

I'm afraid that you have misunderstood the explanation in my reply to Whitney Smith.

The Catholic Church recognizes, as "presumptively valid," a marriage between two non-Catholics that takes place before a Justice of the Peace OR before a non-Catholic minister.

Thus, to the Church, your daughter's friend is still married until proved otherwise (according to the finding of your diocesan tribunal). He will not be free to marry your daughter unless and until the tribunal issues a Declaration of Nullity. It would be best if they were to "cool their jets" -- even perhaps separate temporarily -- until the tribunal can carry out its work, because the judges may find that the man is still married, in God's eyes.

God bless you.
John

-- (jfgecik@hotmail.com), December 20, 2002.

I sympathize with Whitney, and our case is even worse. I'm a non- Catholic (Methodist) and met a Catholic lady in Manila, Philippines. We fell in love and have been communicating by phone, mail and e-mail for nearly a year and I plan to return to the Philippines in a month. We are working on getting her a Fiancee Visa to come to the states where we will be married. The hitch is: I'm a twice divorced man and she wants to be married in the Catholic Church as she is very devout. According to U.S. law, if she comes to the U.S. on a Fiancee Visa we must be married within 30 days. I'd hate to see her shut out from her church, but at the same time, we do not have the luxury of waiting for administrative process by a Church council. Is there any option for us? Will

-- William (Will) Stuart (redd_ryder66@yahoo.com), December 30, 2002.

Hello, Will.

There is no other option. If you really love her, this is what you will do (keeping her informed of what is going on):

(1) Call the rectory of the nearest Catholic Church [see Yellow Pages, if necessary] and make an appointment to discuss the situation with the pastor.
(2) Work with the pastor to have the diocesan marriage tribunal (a court of highly trained people, not a "church council") examine the facts of your two "marriages," to determine if you entered into a valid marriage in the past (and are thus not free to marry your Catholic friend).
(3) If you receive Declarations of Nullity from the tribunal, stating that you were never actually married before, THEN apply for the "Fiancee Visa." If you don't receive the Declarations (meaning that the Church has determined that you are still married, in God's eyes), then it will not be possible for you and your friend to be married until your wife dies.

God bless you.
John

-- J. F. Gecik (jfgecik@hotmail.com), December 31, 2002.

Hello,

I am in a similar position and don't know what the out come is going to be, i would like some advice PLEASE. I am a Roman Catholic and i have never been married before, on the other hand my boyfriend was married before. He got married when he was only 20 to an English girl so he could stay in the country, they went to the registary office and signed the papers, there was no marraige ceremony or anything not even rings. Almost immediatly they didn't get along they had only known eachother for 5 months before they got married so during the whole 2years they were together they fought like cats and dogs the only reason why they stayed together for so long was to be entitled to apply for residency in the country. He now is 28 and has been divorce for quite a while. My boyfriend is not Catholic, and was never baptised in any religion, he was not given the previlige to learn any religon whilst growing up. Now i would like to get married in my church, is this possible? i did not tell anyone about this not even my family as i belive that they would have judged him and not taken him for who he is but for what he had done. Now we have been together for 3 years and i am worried that they will have to find out when we get married. How can we go around this?? Thank you very much for your help.

-- Jessica Borg (coolcornj@hotmail.com), January 20, 2003.

hI,

I am in a similar position and don't know what the out come is going to be, i would like some advice PLEASE. I am a Roman Catholic and i have never been married before, on the other hand my boyfriend was married before. He got married when he was only 20 to an English girl so he could stay in the country, they went to the registary office and signed the papers, there was no marraige ceremony or anything not even rings. Almost immediatly they didn't get along they had only known eachother for 5 months before they got married so during the whole 2years they were together they fought like cats and dogs the only reason why they stayed together for so long was to be entitled to apply for residency in the country. He now is 28 and has been divorce for quite a while. My boyfriend is not Catholic, and was never baptised in any religion, he was not given the previlige to learn any religon whilst growing up. Now i would like to get married in my church, is this possible? i did not tell anyone about this not even my family as i belive that they would have judged him and not taken him for who he is but for what he had done. Now we have been together for 3 years and i am worried that they will have to find out when we get married. How can we go around this?? Thank you very much for your help.

-- Jessica Bor (coolcornj@hotmail.com), January 20, 2003.

Hey,

I just got married to my wife who is a practicing die-hard Catholic from the Philippines. I am non-denominational Christian. I did not have to get converted to the Catholic religion, and getting married to a partner who has a different faith isn't a good reason to switch religions anyway. What did I have to do? I did go to a Catholic discovery weekend, which was nice. I also went through pre-cana classes, which was like 3/3-hour sessions. After that, several Catholic churches invited us to be married in their church. Oh, I was baptised as a child, so that's something that has to be done, whether you are Catholic or not, to be married in a Catholic church. But this whole idea of taking classes and converting, you should really think about it. You've been divorced once already, what if this one doesn't work out too and you're stuck being a Catholic? Just a thought. And yes, you have to tell them. In a lot of the preparations, the priest will end up asking lots of questions about your history and you will have to tell about 30-40 lies to keep covering up for the divorce and I promise at some time you'd slip up. But, lots of Catholics are divorced and remarried, so I don't think it's something you would have to worry about hiding anyway.

-- (jw_ridings@hotmail.com), March 08, 2003.

Jmj
Hello, Jessica.

You said that your friend had "no marriage ceremony," but that he "has been divorced." If he and his wife did not exchange vows, then they never really got married -- though the government considered it a marriage.
Regardless of the facts in that regard, I would say the following:
You (both of you) should make an appointment to meet your Catholic pastor as soon as possible. Your friend will have to fill out papers, providing written testimony about his prior "union." If she can be located, the woman she "married" will be invited to testify in writing too. Other witnesses may also be invited to provide information. All testimony will be evaluated by a panel of Canon Law experts known as a marriage tribunal. [I am not able or authorized to make any predictions for you, but it sounds as though this was a sham "marriage" or "marriage of convenience" without genuine consent, which could well have rendered it invalid.]

The Church court will make a ruling either that your friend is still married in God's eyes (despite the divorce) or that he and the other woman never really entered into a valid marriage years ago. If the latter judgment is made, a Declaration of Nullity will be given, and your friend will be free to marry you. [As you probably know, our Church does not recognize divorce as having the power to end a valid marriage.] The tribunal's work and findings do not have to be made known to your family.

Please join me in praying for your friend to become Catholic.
God bless you.
John

-- J. F. Gecik (jfgecik@hotmail.com), March 09, 2003.

Hello John,

Just to let you know that all is well. My partner has been going to catachism lessons for 9 weeks now and should be baptised in Dec. ALso we will be receiving a dispensation of marraige in the next couple of months. All we really needed was a letter stating that he was neve baptised in any religion and her baptism certificate. We did not manage to optain that but the tribula wrote to the Greek Orthodox dioces where she was baptised. It should all be over shortly and they did not have to go to rome.

Thank you

-- Jes (coolcornj@hotmail.com), April 25, 2003.

Thanks for writing again, Jes. I'm glad that you are at peace and that your friend is learning about the Catholic faith!
JFG

-- J. F. Gecik (jfgecik@hotmail.com), April 25, 2003.