[Humor] Utter lunacy

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DAVID GRAY: Utter lunacy

David Gray

NASA must get awful tired of loonies (to use a fitting term, given the subject under discussion) on the phone saying the moon landing never happened.

Caller: "It’s the flag, you see: flags don’t wave in space cos, like, there’s no wind. Haha. Got you!"

Irritated NASA official: "OK, for the millionth time, the flag had just been unfolded and was stiff material and was, because almost weightless, still moving."

Caller: "Aye but the stars, like, well, there are stars in space, yet they’re not in the footage. You forgot to add them in the studio you filmed it in! Admit it!"

Irritated NASA official: "We were filming on a dazzlingly lit moon, taking footage of white-dressed astronauts in the sun. The light drowned the stars out: it’s not rocket science, you know? OK, well the rest of it is, actually, but not that bit!"

Caller: "Aye but..."

Irritated NASA official: "I’m hanging up now - you go check for yourself. And when you get to the moon, call me - we left a payphone there. Or wave: I’ll be looking out the window . Now get off the phone!"

And in an effort to combat all this nonsense, what did NASA do? They shot themselves in the foot rather spectacularly by announcing a book was to be published debunking the myths. Catastrophe: the die-hard sceptics, who put more effort and energy into disbelieving than went into the actual original space programme, would think that all these efforts to prove them wrong must be an indication that the government was lying.

Cue phone calls: "Hi, it’s me again! OK, if you really landed on the moon, how come you’re bringing out a book insisting you landed on the moon? Aye, something to hide, eh?"

Now, stung by the accusations, NASA has cancelled the book, delivering a bullet nicely into the other foot, as switchboards light up with callers shouting: "Aye, got you now! You knew you couldn’t prove the claims false and so are scared to publish the book!" With this level of incompetence in the simple matter of a book, it does indeed seem unlikely that NASA was able to build a rocket, let alone launch it in the direction of the moon.

The book will go ahead, writers say, just not attached to NASA any more. Teachers will, it is expected, be able to make some use of it, in the hope of producing a generation of young adults who, when they are walking along a beach under a full moon with a potential loved one, might murmur "Isn’t the moon beautiful?" rather than splutter, wide-eyed: "Aye, it wiz a fake you know, they’re covering the truth up, it’s a conspiracy, I tell you ."

Sadly, even were the money and the will there to take the sceptics to the moon, there would be no convincing some people. Ex-irritated NASA switchboard operator, now lunar tour guide: " Please switch off your in-flight DVDs of The X-Files and stow your copies of Aliens Built The Pyramids in the seat pockets for landing."

Ex-caller, now NASA-subsidised passenger: "It’s a virtual reality ride: I can hear people outside, and a train going past."

Guide: "OK, that noise you hear now is the landing gear, and ...

Passenger: "It’s a man with a hammer hitting the bottom of the ride: I can smell the smoke from his cigarette."

Guide: "Now we have landed, please form an orderly queue at the airlocks, ensuring your helmet s are secure - we’ll take a walk on the surface of the moon!"

Passenger: "Surface of the Arizona desert you mean! I recognise where we are - it was used in The Searchers. I can see an Indian over there behind the rock."

Guide: "Of course, if any of you doubt you’re here, you can open your helmets. "

Passenger: "Aye, I bloody well will, too, and then we’ll …" hissing noise "Ack! Argh! It’s a trick … ach …"

Guide: "Splendid. Now, taking care not to trip over that body, follow me and we’ll catch a bus home just over that ridge."

Sub-par

THERE are few amusing things connected with a nuclear submarine running into stationary rocks that have, as far as we are led to believe, not moved in millions of years. Issues related to "Um, should this not be impossible?" tend to raise their head.

Of considerable comedy value, though, was a local politician demanding to know why the emergency services had not been informed. What services was he talking about? The fire brigade? Would they be able to squirt water three miles off shore even had there been a fire? A police car, to breathalyse the driver ? Or the fourth emergency service, the AA, to offer a beachside start? Good heavens.

Who's the mug?

A PILOT scheme in England, to deter potential criminals, will involve putting up posters and details of convicted crims all over town. The idea is that it’ll put would-be miscreants off any notions of wrongdoing. But what about the rest of us? How stressful will daily life be if you’re greeted by ugly mugshots and gruesome personal details every time you leave the house?

"Big Tam: aggravated assault, three years" will accompany a picture of a looming coconut head peering malevolently over the fresh food counter at the supermarket. Car thieves, muggers and drug dealers will be burned into our brains at every turn. Are we not allowed to be unworried for a few seconds every day

Pipe dreamer

RIDICULOUS sight of the week: propped languidly on a park bench in Edinburgh, a spotty first-year student in faculty scarf and tweed jacket, reading a Penguin Classic while trying to light a brand-new pipe. I hope he grows out of this phase before meeting our less-friendly, tracksuited young locals. It makes you weep.

-- Anonymous, November 11, 2002


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