Help for my sister

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My sister has been married for 13 years to a drug abuser. We all knew he was very controlling, but never suspected how bad it was for her. She became very ill about 6 weeks ago and acutally spent about 10 days on a ventilator in a drug induced coma. She came very close to dying. This apparently sent her husband over the deep-end and once she was released from the hospital, he cut off all communication with her family. He would take all the phones with him when he left the house, and take their 6 year old daughter with him as well (he apparently told my sister she could leave at any time, just not with their daughter). He also burned any mail that was sent to her. Well, my sister "escaped" (her words) Monday morning, picked her daughter up from school and went to a women's shelter. She told a friend at the time that he had been hitting her as well. I was able to talk to her yesterday for the first time in over 4 weeks. She sounded good and said that her husband had been admitted to a mental hospital and was getting the help he needed and that she wanted to go back home, but would probably stay at the shelter for another day or two. That's not what happened. She went home to him less than 2 hours after I talked to her, and he had not been admitted to a hospital. She is still lying to cover for him. I know that he has complete control over her. It is tearing the rest of my family apart. What can we do? We are afraid for her daughter, that she has been taken back to a dangerous situation. I don't know if we should act on this or not. Please, anyone who has been in this type of situation, please try to explain to me what is going on in her head and how best to help her. I really do understand that he has "brainwashed" her, but I still find myself getting mad at her for going back, for choosing him over her family. Thank you.

-- Anonymous, December 05, 2002

Answers

Go get your sister and child. Talk to a lawyer/D.A. for the necessary authority and get her out of this situation. Nothing good can come out of this until this precious sister and child has the help to get out. She most definatly needs conseling. Best wishes. Lover of Gods Children.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2002

Your sister is in a situation that 1 in 4 women in this country at one time or another. There are many reasons that controlled and battered women stay with their abusers, fear, desire to keep the family together, lack of financial resources, a feeling of worthlessness due to the abuse she suffers by her partner that can overwhelm and/or crush her spirit. Keep in mind that she is not choosing her husband over her family, she is stuck in a cycle of violence, only love and understanding from those around her can assist her in making the decision to move forward. Make yourself available to her, do not judge her actions, impulses or choices.... this will only serve to make her feel worse about herself. Controlling partners tend to belittle their mate, telling them how incapable, stupid or fat they are.... whatever painful words they can muster to keep the abused in his or her "Place," to continue to control. Your family, by providing a listening, nonjudgemental ear, by giving her the unconditional love she lacks at home, by offering (only when asked) to provide whatever care she and her child might need. Shelters are no picnic! If she could stay with a supportive family member she might feel more at ease. But this must only be offered when SHE is ready to make a move. You are not alone. Women leave their abusive partners on an average of 7 times prior to actually ending the relationship. She knows what is best for her, what she can handle at this point in her live. Assure her that you believe in her, that she is strong and capable (imagine what she must go through in the course of a day, trying to keep her husband calm and child protected), this requires great manouvering and strength. I suggest that you and your familiy contact a local women's shelter and ask for information for yourselves. Most states have domestic violence training for potential volunteers. I've found this information to be imperative also for families struggeling with the questions of "What can I do." Contact you state Coalition for Domestic Violence (usually located in the state capitol) for an agency near you. I wish you all the best of luck.

-- Anonymous, December 21, 2002

Thanks for everyone's responses. My sister and neice have escaped again. She is determined she is not going back this time as she truly feared for her life, and her daughter saw some of the physical abuse this time. We are now working on moving forward and getting her and her daughter the counseling they need. Fortunately, she got out with bruises only-no broken bones or permanent physical injuries (the emotional injuries will take years-if ever- to recover from). Thanks for giving me a place to turn for some answers.

-- Anonymous, December 23, 2002

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