I need some advice concerning my current situation. I left the Church at the age of 16 over ten years ago. I didn't fully believe in the Church or anything definite concerning God at the time I left. I experienced a full reversion to the Faith that began just over a year ago. This has been a very personal journey in which a lot of reading and watching EWTN took place rather than fellowship with other Catholics. I live in a small southern town and since I have been away from the Church for so long I don't know the few Catholics that do live around me. This is why I'm posting this message. I am currently married civilly to a woman that I have known for years. She married and divorced a very good friend of mine because of a pregnancy issue (had a miscarriage). Before she married my friend we actually fell in love. She was forced to marry anyway by her parents. We had sporadic relations while she was married. She divorced him and that's when we got together. As I was coming into the Church I began struggling with the current situation we were in. I finally decided (after was suggested by a priest) to marry civilly while we waited on a declaration of nullity (we were already cohabitating). There is constant depression in my household and I have been abstaining from sex for two months. I want to do what is right in God's eyes. Please help me.

-- Catch22 (charltn@aol.com), December 19, 2002

Answers

Dear Catch,

Well, I am hardly surprised that a priest told you that. You can find a priest to tell you just about anything these days. The good Father needs to get his head put on straight though.

I don't like to come on as a hard-nose, but you said you want to do what is right, so I assume you want to hear the truth. The truth is that as a Catholic, in the Church's eyes you are still cohabiting, just as you were before the civil ceremony. Sadly, that priest misled you if he suggested that a civil ceremony would make any difference in that regard. The truth is that until the decree of nullity comes through, your partner must be regarded as your friend's wife, even if she no longer has any feelings for him, or he for her. Also, an annulment, unlike a divorce, is not an automatic thing, just by virtue of having applied. It might not actually happen, though it sounds like she has a good case, if she was actually forced into the marriage. I don't see any valid connection between a miscarriage and a divorce however. It is good that you are making an effort to abstain from marital relations in the meantime. Still, living with another man's wife is not an advisable course of action, and is surely a deliberate and serious occasion of sin. I surely do understand the other side of the picture - the strength of love and the need for companionship, which are both God-given characteristics of a human person. However, in your situation, that priest should have advised you to separate until such time as you are actually married, if and when that can actually happen, and he did you a misservice by telling you otherwise. There is really no other option that is right in God's eyes.

I do hope this all works out for you, and that you are eventually able to share the love you have for each other, in a way that will bring you both happiness, security, and salvation.

Peace! Paul

-- Paul (PaulCyp@cox.net), December 19, 2002.

You Catch22, no one can help you on your problem... You've done it, so you will be the one to solve it.look, i am only giving you an advice, but still, it's your decision what will you do!!! i think, on your part, no one can say that you're bad bec you change your religion, still it's your choice. But i just want to remind you that no matter what kind of religion you join, GOD is still there to help you. And remember that it is only a trial, and GOD is giving us a trial because he knows that we can solve or find solution to that trial.

-- John Paul Lumandas (jpaul03_cute@lycos.com), March 03, 2003.