Commercial Gains -- Find out which pitchmen made the winner's circle (yay, Sheens!) and which we'd rather not remember (ick, Kirstie Alley!)

GIVE HIM CREDIT Visa brilliantly uses Martin Sheen and son Charlie in a spot for its check card GIVE HIM CREDIT Visa brilliantly uses Martin Sheen and son Charlie in a spot for its check card

THE BEST NIKE PRESTO A man flees an angry chicken; another scales walls to save a hot chick's barrette. Oh yeah, and it's dubbed. Bizarre and chic, in a French sort of way.

THETRUTH.COM'S ''BABY INVASION'' The anti-tobacco folks strike again, this time with hundreds of crying-baby dolls crawling on a city street. A deceptively simple representation of the victims of secondhand smoke, packing a huge, creepy punch.

IKEA UNBÖRING Spike Jonze's ingenious spot tricks you into pitying a lamp by showing it abandoned in the rain for a newer model, then makes you laugh at yourself when the Nordic announcer intones, ''Many of you feel bad for this lamp. That is because you're crazy. It has no feelings.''

LEVI'S ''CRAZY LEGS'' Jonze scores again with a digitally enhanced soft sell, as a headphoned dude in low-rise jeans ''pops'' through city streets on Plastic Man-like legs.

VISA CHECK CARD's ''SHEENS'' Winning the best-use-of-related-celebs award, Charlie Sheen waits so long for ID verification at a store that he ages into Martin Sheen. Plus, both father and son are rejected by women. What's more rewarding than seeing famous people get dissed?

-- Anonymous, January 02, 2003

Answers

THE WORST

OLD NAVY'S ''PAINTER'S PANTS'' The formerly goofy (in a good way) ads have become as tired as this edition's tacky farm set, with Morgan Fairchild singing some lame jingle to the tune of the ''Green Acres'' theme. Sorry Morgan, you're no Eva Gabor.

T-MOBILE GET MORE Catherine Zeta-Jones proves even more annoying hawking mobile phones to the great unwashed than she was playing a bratty celeb in ''America's Sweethearts.'' Which was the tougher acting job? It's a toss-up.

PIER 1'S ''NO RUNNING'' Kirstie Alley, the once charmingly abrasive television star, tyrannizes cringing shoppers as an assaultive, ''madcap'' pitchwoman. Somehow we don't think frightening viewers was part of Pier 1's business plan.

BUG LIGHT'S ''ZAPPER'' In the watch-and-hurl category, a woman compliments a party host on the crunchy toppings in the dip. Turns out said dip is just below the bug zapper. The puke prompter: Her smile is filled with dead insects.

VERIZON WIRELESS' ''FERRET'' What could be more disturbing than a ferret biting a man's tongue? And what does this have to do with cell phones?

-- Anonymous, January 02, 2003

The best commercials around here are consistently Sprint and a local furniture chain called Jordan's.

Are the Sprint commercials nationwide? They feature a guy in a black trench coat helping out people who have been flummoxed by cellular static. He said, she heard something very different. The commercial are really very entertaining (and would never induce me to buy from Sprint, but I do appreciate the commercials!).

Jordan's does some really off-the-wall humor, and many of the commercials are brilliant take offs on other commercials. Right now there is a take-off on a sprint commercial. He said he wanted a couple of ties and a loafer. She heard, a couple of guys and a sofa. It pans to the two household faces (the guys from Jordan's) sitting on a very nice sofa and waving. She wants to know if they can get rid of the guys but keep the sofa. The "Sprint guy" impersonator says, good choice, it's good Italian leather.

I walked into Jordan's once. Fortunately, I don't need any furniture.

-- Anonymous, January 02, 2003

Oh, and something that has always puzzled me about the Jordan's ripoff commercials is whether the original companies ever objected. I think the Jordan's commercials are so well done that it probably helps promote both companies. (Or maybe they seek permission first.)

-- Anonymous, January 02, 2003

Yep, sounds like copyright infringement on the face of it but they very likely did get permission first. Or decided if they were sued it would be great publicity.

Yes, those Sprint commercials are good. I'm surprised there was no mention of the Imagistics commercials--I love the one where the women sabotage the machines so the hottie repair guy can make a visit! The expression on that older woman's face is priceless!

Our local commercials tend to be AWFUL and many of them use a child from the family. They range from ugly, drooling hairless babies to virtually incoherent teenagers who overpreen in the most nauseating manner. There's one arrogant little pre-teen boy who causes me to dive for the remote's mute every time he comes on. Then there's the car dealership guy with the speech impediment and the pharmacist with the absolute monotone extolling the virtues of various herbal preparations. Gawd, they're terrible!

-- Anonymous, January 02, 2003

I'm like so over the Lincoln and Jaguar ads. The Lincoln music makes me cringe now. I've just stopped watching television with ads, sticking to movie channels for the most part.

At least we don't have to suffer thru Miss Cleo anymore!

-- Anonymous, January 02, 2003

I like the TP commercial, I like the catchy tune... it's the one with all the "butts" and the music plays..about being "cleaner" where is really counts.. (Charmin , I think, but not sure.)

-- Anonymous, January 03, 2003