I have read m any posts that speak about male abuse, female abuse. Or some posts wondering why this forum is primarily abused men. There are so many things that get overlooked when discussing DV. I would like to talk about a few things that get overlooked commonly in DV discussions. Women have so many places to turn when they are abused. County facilities exist nearly everywhere and offer much help to women when they need it. Most facilities won't help men when they need it, so men don't feel they have anywhere to turn. The Internet offers a place for them to seek help, voice their pain and find validation in a safe environment where they are hidden behind the safety of an alias. Second, because men are made to feel ashamed for being a victim, so we typically don't talk about it for fear of being ridiculed. When we pop online and see that we really arent the only men going through this, quite often it opens the flood gates of emotion and many men speak out. On that same note, the majority of society has been saturated with movies, television commercials, radio ads and subway or bus posters educating america about abused women. We get it, women are abused. That fact alone creates an environment where women feel confident in speaking out locally, to friends, coworkers and agencies wanting to help. Men bottle it up, and have very few places to turn. Lastly, being physically stronger HAS NOTHING TO DO with domestic violence. Let me repeat that, physical size has nothing to do with DV. Many men are abused before they even knew what was coming. The first time I was abused, my wife broke my nose and blackened my eye before I even knew she was swinging at me. Sure, I am physically strong enough to stop it after that point, but I couldnt stop the abuse from happening in teh first place. What about th emen who are sleeping while their female counterpart cuts off certain body parts? What about men that are stabbed while not paying attenition, or poisoned at the dinner table? An abuser can strike when the prey is at its weakest point. Comedy shows teach us that slappping men is funny. Society teaches us that killing cheating husbands is applauded behavior. Let me end by saying this, if someone yells at you or verbally abuses you, walk away from them. If someone cheats on you, leave them. There is NEVER justification for physically harming someone, especially someone you care about. Don't overlook that the real damage isn't the bruises or wounds. The real damage is the emotional scars that we endure and have to live with because someone we loved and trusted hurt us. . . The bruises fade, but the pain remains the same. This isn't a gender issue. This is a human issue. Or perhaps I should say humane.

-- Anonymous, February 10, 2003

Answers

2 years ago I finally managed to get out of an abusive two year relationship. All seemed normal for the first year or so, but when we started living together the daily mental/emotional abuse turned quickly physical. I was 21 years old at the time standing 6'4" and 240 lbs. My girlfriend was 5'1" and maybe 100lbs. I was raised not to hit women, as many men no longer are. The first time she smacked me accross the face was the first time in my life someone slapped me. Albeit she was a tiny person, but when someone that small is so pumped full of blinding fury, they can pack a lot of power behind those hands. Plus it soon turns to more, way more, than just slapping. My body was strong enough to absorb most of the shock, and the mind protected me from registering the pain by numbing me out. It's funny in a way that I can calmly bring up these images of my ex standing over me, her face contorted with rage while hitting, kicking, throwing, and sometimes using 2 by 4s on me. Just had another memory actually of her slapping me so hard, she hurt HER hand which got her even more upset...

So my point is that Preston, in my case, is entirely correct about Physical Strength having little to do with DV involving victimized men. Having not talked personally with any other abused men, I can only assume that certain troubled women take advantage of many men's ingrained incapability to physically dominate them and in these situations these women use that 'weakness' to get away with unloading on them. In my case, she would get so out-of-control angry, that when I tried to hold/restrain her and talk her down you could watch her and picture a pressure cooker about to pop. When I had to let go due to scratching, biting, screaming, etc. I knew I'd have to 'zone out' and take what I had coming in the first place...

CRAZYNESS! i'm just so relieved that no one but us was involved and that now she's entirely out of my life.

I just found this site and I wish I had known or thought to look several years ago. It's amazing how natural it is for men who are involved with abusive partners to think that they're so ALONE in the world. I'm sure the many abused women feel that way as well, but neither my psychologist nor I can find ONE support group for abused men. IN THE SAN FRANCISCO BAY AREA!!! You'd think that there'd be at least one...

-- Anonymous, April 11, 2003

Josh (above/below):

Simply amazing. She hit YOU, and then became angry that she hurt her hand. That sounds like something from some farce of a movie or something. You mentioned that she did more than slap you, but I want to point out that even if that's all she did, that would still be abuse, just as it would be if a man "just" slapped a woman. You are also right when you say that physical size doesn't matter. A three- year-old child is physically capable of hurting (accidentally) a grown-up, so why do people think a small adult is incapable of hurting a larger one?

I'm glad you're not with this person anymore. Have you filed anything against her? I know you live in California, a state notorious for neglecting abused males, but she should be disciplined for what she did to you. I also don't want her to treat her next flame that way...

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2003

I have not filed anything against her, nor do I plan to. There are many reasons why, but mostly it's because I feel like I'm one of the few lucky ones who has managed a clean break once finally given the opportunity. I would guess that a much higher percentage don't get off so "easily". I've read countless experiences with children getting involved, careers ruined; basically where the abusive partner makes it extremely difficult for the victim to "get away" once he or she has made the decision to do so.

The fact of the matter is, that I never really tried to get away from her. I never made a serious effort to let her know that if the violence continued, I was gone. The moment the thought escaped my lips the first time, she threatened to commit suicide and having made the DECISION to stay, unwilling to call her bluff, I felt like I had committed to helping her get through "this difficult period of her life" by bearing every kind of punishment. So in my experience, as unbalanced as the reality may seem, TWO parties are involved in abusive relationships: the one who abuses, and the one who "let's it happen". Now please understand, "letting it happen" is a very GENERAL phrase to describe a wide range of conscious/unconscious behavior that, basically, invites further abuse. That doesn't mean that I believe people willingly INVITE their partner to abuse them, but my opinion is that abused partners have many ways to take themselves out of the situation, it's just that when wrapped up in the "heat of the moment", those paths aren't very clear.

What's odd, though, is that as much as I feel she destroyed my SELF, I'm not angry with her. I've acknowledged the MAJOR mental "disorders" she suffered from as a result of a tragic history involving family and past relationships and, to some extent, forgave her for her many moments where she too lost control of reality. The person who I don't forgive is MYSELF for putting up with it for so long. Yes it is noble to sacrifice one's freedoms to give another person a chance to grow. But what I didn't realize at the time was that I wasn't capable of giving her the type of help she needed. When I started to notice that, I was already in too deep. Although I didn't have MUCH of a choice, I had many more than I thought I did at the time. Had support for male victims been made known ANYWHERE, I may have taken that route, but there lies the problem: NO HELP FOR MEN!

The hard part is trying to convince myself that despite all I've learned from this relationship, I've yet to have another serious girlfriend or FRIEND since the abuse. I don't trust myself, and I don't trust others. The minute I let someone get too close, I realise how vulnerable I've become by carrying all these secrets alone for so long that I immediately end the friendship and revert back to isolation mode where no one can get close to me. The ironic part is how WELL I play it off in real life. How NO ONE supsects anything. Even though everyone knew my ex was nuts and VERBALLY abused me frequently, no one would suspect that she beat me...

How does a guy in this macho world live a normal life among friends when he has images of his girlfriend beating him with a 2 by 4 permanently branded into his mind? Where does a guy like that GO to get some help from people who understand? I've found THIS place and it's opening up memory banks that I thought I had buried long ago, but will this be enough? Women have all the resources in the world to help them get back on their feet (and i'm not in the least bit embittered by that), but it's so difficult for men to feel comfortable just admitting that they ARE abused, much less do anything to help recover...

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2003

In my case, I am both the Abused and the Abuser. I am a male, residing in New Zealand. My partner is a Maori female, smaller and weaker than me. I dont even remember what sparked the first case of abuse (Physical I am refering to here - Verbal abuse somehow does not seem so important to me for some reason - although I can acknowledge that it is real and hurts). Yet it is always her that innitiates the physical violence. I was raised with the good old principles that u do not hit a woman - period. I have always maintained these standards until now. Now, after having reality harshly rearing up in my face, I respond to physical violence with physical violence. I do not agree with what I do when I am calm, rational, and have time and space to think, but when I have a hysterical woman beating me, yelling at me, calling me every name under the sun, telling me how much I suck in bed, and how her ex boyfriends were so much better... I am not calm, I am not rational, and I dont have time and space to think.

I also share the view that I am ashamed of myself for allowing this to happen, and for allowing it to continue to happen, and at the time of this writing, I am still in that sad, violent relationship. I feel so trapped. I am living in a house with my partner. I have no where else to go. I have no one to turn to. I turn to the internet as a last resort because I dont know of, or have anywhere else to turn. In here, I have anonymity, I feel I can speak out without fear, without ridicule, without abuse.

There really has to be something done about this I think. I dont know what, or how, but Men are just as entitled to support and help as women, as far as Im concerned. We dont deserve anything more, and we definately dont deserve anything less.

Me

-- Anonymous, May 04, 2003