I am in a difficult situation here. My wife and I were married by a JP almost 5 years ago. My wife is a very devout Catholic whose own grandfather has been a deacon for over 20 years. Myself, coming from a household of non-churchgoing people, I had no religious upbringing. My wife and I started the Natural Family Planning classes as well as the Marriage Prep to get our union recognized by the church. There was talk about me converting but I never 'got around' to attending RCIA. The priest that I was very comfortable with left the parish and I was unable to get comfortable again. We never finished the marriage prep classes either.

Well, a few days ago my wife decided she wants to separate and possibly(probably) divorce. Since the union was never recognized by the church, she said that does not have to consult a priest. How do I convince her to talk to a priest about this? The only problem with our marriage has been a communication failure that has lasted approx. 18 months. As soon as I found out what the problem was I immediately took the steps to resolve it. She claims it is too little, too late. I am 150 percent committed to my wife and family(both of our children were baptized) and want to work things out. I feel that I need the help of the church to try and get through to her. Her family places such a heavy emphasis on church that I think there may be some hope if I can get her to talk to a priest.

Does anyone have any advice for me? Can anyone tell me what the position the church will take on this? I assume that it is much easier for them to turn their head since the marriage was not blessed but will they take some stance on it? Is it not still important to God?

For the first time in my life, I acknowledge that I need God and that I have faith in God. Whether this works out or not I have made a committment to myself to enroll and complete RCIA. I appreciate any advice or comfort that anyone may provide. I am just a fragmented man who is trying to pick up and straighten out the pieces.

-- Richard Isbell (richard@thetsg.net), March 25, 2003

Answers

Please post your question at

http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/forum.asp?FORUM_ID=2

Where you will be helped much more lovingly.

As far as I know, a marriage need not, in some instances, be blessed by the Church in order to be a valid marriage (especially if children are involved). The Church will still need to review your case in order to grant an annulment, if indeed your marriage was never really a valid marriage.

If your wife wishes to persue a divorce, and then remarries, she may very well be in a state of mortal sin. You see, unless the Church investigates your marriage to determine it's validity, you have no way of knowing whether or not it was. Therefore, if she or you remarries, you risk the sin of fornication (since before the eyes of God you *could* still be married).

The best bet is to talk to your local pastor.

In Christ.

God bless you.

-- Jake Huether (jake_huether@yahoo.com), March 25, 2003.

Jmj
Hello, Richard.

I feel pretty badly for you, because I can tell that you are genuinely hurting inside. As long as you keep living together, there is some hope for you to be genuinely united one day. However, as difficult as it may seem to imagine, the two of you should begin to live as "brother and sister," sleeping separately (in the same house) until you can become married in the eyes of God.

You mentioned that you were "very comfortable" with a certain priest who was reassigned to another parish. I would recommend that you contact him and ask him to help you -- for at least one outstanding reason: for the sake of the children. They need to live in a stable environment with both natural parents. If you don't know how to find that priest, please send me his name and the name of the Catholic (arch)diocese in which you live, and I will find him for you.

Technically speaking, the woman you love is probably right. If she really was Catholic when you went to the JP, she is not married to you yet (in God's eyes), and she is permitted to separate herself from you.
She could not "remarry" [actually, marry validly for the first time] without a civil divorce and a Declaration of Nullity from the Church, which would be simple for her to get if she really was a Catholic at the time you "married."

I'll pray for your reconciliation.
John

-- J. F. Gecik (jfgecik@hotmail.com), March 27, 2003.

Richard, you sent me an e-mail message asking what I meant by the message left on the 28th.

I left the longer message to you on the 27th.
I did NOT leave the short message of the 28th.
Someone who hates Catholics impersonated me on the 28th.
Common sense will tell you that I would not leave the substantial message on the 27th and then come back and leave a meaningless or ambiguous one-liner one day later. That comes from satan, who wants to spread confusion.

God bless you.
John

-- J. F. Gecik (jfgecik@hotmail.com), March 29, 2003.

I reccomend two things. First read a couple books by Gary Smalley "If only he knew" and "how to win your wife back before its too late" and take a look the Popes address to the Roman Rota in 2003, and 2002. The pope actually stresses that even invalid marriages should be reconciled if possible. You can find the speeches by going to the Vatican website and search under Roman Rota.

-- Pat Delaney (patrickrdelaney@yahoo.com), March 29, 2003.