Let's Make Each Other Laugh

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Try not to laugh at these unfortunate people!

priceless

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2003

Answers

Just two thoughts are running through my head after looking at those, EM!! That duct tape is gonna hurt like Hell when it comes off...and the guy in #5 seems to be wondering to himself, "I can't believe I did THAT!!??"

They most definitely are Priceless :-)!!!! Thanx for the laugh!

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2003


Geez, I thought you were going to ask US for jokes. My mind always goes blank when that happens! ;-)

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2003

I AM askin for jokes; I just went first.

-- Anonymous, April 04, 2003

Oh. Okay, I went and stole this from another site.

Here's the URL, and the text below:

http://www.abqtrib.com/archives/diversions03/030703_diversions_wilde.s html

****************************************

I've got my duct tape, but that's not enough

COMMENTARY

As you've known all your life, duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it is the stuff that binds not only our universe together, but much of our cheap broken stuff as well.

Now four out of five terrorist experts say, "But oh! That's not all."

It is in fact duct tape - and only duct tape - that stands between our free-breathing society and our complete annihilation by hostilely flung chemical death.

Good tip.

Good to know that a fat roll of duct tape coupled with a few sheets of plastic can seal me up in my bathroom when disaster strikes. That way I can have a few hours more to conjure the horrible death that awaits me outside once I run out of s'mores, water and, well, air.

The only problem is that I have no real flair with duct tape. You know, it doesn't seem to matter how slowly and methodically I try to unroll it and apply it, it gets twisted and sticks to itself and ends up in a ball at my feet. I did make a fine duct tape jump-rope once, though.

Now if I can't handle duct tape on a leisurely, nonterrorizing, think- I'll-order-a-pizza Saturday, how can I possibly do a good vacuum seal job during a full-blown, end-of-the-world panic (especially with all the distracting screaming I'll be doing)? You'd find me Cling Wrapped on my living room floor looking like last week's leftover hot dog.

You know, the terrorist experts also want me to put together a disaster kit that includes a signal flare, a fire extinguisher and a small cooking stove.

Come on. I couldn't figure out that caulking gun I bought to do the tile in my bathroom, so I filled it with frosting. Not to decorate cakes, but because sometimes you just want a fun way to eat frosting.

And I once Super Glued my hand to the inside of my shoe. Don't ask.

Giving me a signal flare is like giving a monkey a bowl of pudding. Something bad's gonna happen.

But let me ask you, if duct tape and plastic don't keep out the cold - that's a big joke on us by those sneaky manufacturers - or New Mexico's dirt off my kitchen floor, what chance does it have against wafting death?

They also say that if something biologically icky happens I should immediately remove all my clothes and wash myself with soapy water.

Well. What if I'm in 7-Eleven? Or what if it's a false alarm, and I end up naked and soapy in Albertsons produce department? (Well, that is where they keep that hose to wash the veggies.)

Disaster experts indeed.

Of course, I can understand about being prepared for something I might survive with perhaps only an extra eye in the middle of my forehead, the scales of a serpent or a superpower or two.

But please don't give me advice on how to survive a nuclear bomb. That ain't gonna happen. Survival is not really an option.

A couple of my favorites are:

Don't look at the flash or fireball. It can blind you.

There's gonna be a FIREBALL!?

Get under ground as quickly as possible.

I can honestly say I do not have the digging skills required for this task, no matter how much I want to "Be the Gopher."

My very favorite one is:

If you're caught outside with no protection, lie flat on the ground and cover your head.

Well, finally something I can do without going through basic training. And it sure makes sense, doesn't it? Plus, if I spread my arms and legs out and flap them, I can leave a purdy nuclear snow angel smudge.

I actually do have a plan if terror strikes. Yeah. I know exactly what to do if I get wind of death headed my way.

I'm gonna duct tape myself to my fully loaded liquor cabinet.

Duct tape. It's like the Force, you know.

You can call M.J. at (505) 823-3605 or e-mail her at mjwilde(at) abqtrib.com. Or go outside and scream into the wind. You know, while it's still fresh.



-- Anonymous, April 04, 2003


Here's one for ya, EM!!   New Bull

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' givin' him any of mine." The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS." The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to, "take care of." I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows." They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend." The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm. The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

-- Anonymous, April 05, 2003



And...one more!   Who was First?

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession." The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine." Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

-- Anonymous, April 05, 2003


After having their 11th child, a North Georgian Mountain couple decided that 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal inthe North Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cheery bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! 1 2 3 4 5 At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, Arkansas, Alabama, and West Virginia.

-- Anonymous, April 05, 2003

ROFLMAO!!

-- Anonymous, April 05, 2003

Been a LONG time since I was pregnant...but these sure gave me a laugh -)!!

PREGNANCY Q & A! Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college.

-- Anonymous, April 07, 2003


The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, "Picabo, ICU."

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2003


funny!

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2003

Bein as how I approaching geezerhood I thot this was funny

You are not old until you pass gas and dust comes out...

-- Anonymous, April 09, 2003


This is not really funny; it's actually kinda sick, but I don't know where else to put it. Definitely weird. Anyways, Jay might think it hilarious. :)

chickens

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2003


A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly said to her brunette co-worker, "Go ahead. Ask me. I know them all!" The brunette said, "Ok. What's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that one's easy! It's W!"

-- Anonymous, April 15, 2003

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners..

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.."

-- Anonymous, April 15, 2003



A friend just sent me a couple of funny ones:

"A lady picked up several items at a discount store.

When she finally got up to the checker, she learned

that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her

embarrassme nt when the checker got on the intercom and

boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON

LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE." That was bad

enough, but somebody at the rear of the store

apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax² for

"THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed

back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH

IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A

HAMMER?"

Diane E. Amov "

"This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2

days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who

will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get

any....a true story... We had a female news anchor

who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and

didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob,

where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not

only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew

did too they were laughing so hard!"

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2003


Ok, so two muffins were in an oven, being baked ya know, and one says to the other, "wow, it's really hot in here!"

The other one screams," Oh my god!! A talking muffin!"

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2003


The River...

        One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength..and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence...to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.  

-- Anonymous, May 28, 2003


[snicker snicker]

-- Anonymous, June 02, 2003

  Not sure if this qualifies as a "joke", but I thought it was interesting...and oh soooo true :-)!! ---------   I was told that service was the act of doing things for other people.   I had heard the terms:   Internal Revenue Service Postal Service Civil Service

Military Service

Service Stations Customer Service

City/County/Public Service    This is not what I thought "service" meant.    Then, one day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned he was having a bull brought over to "service" a few of his cows.  SHAZAM!!!! It all came into perspective!    Now I understand what all those "services" are doing to us!!!!  

-- Anonymous, June 04, 2003


Mornin' everyone!

boondocks

-- Anonymous, June 18, 2003


A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in- law.

The mother-in-law dies.

They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but it'll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.

The guy says, "We'll ship her home."

The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

-- Anonymous, June 19, 2003


The Funny Things Cats Do

This is a little movie with sound, it looks like it may have come from America's Funniest Home Videos. My eyes are watering from trying not to laugh out loud here at work. :)

-- Anonymous, June 23, 2003


I thought I should add this to this humor post. BTW...you don't have to own a cat or be "owned" by one to appreciate this...

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cabdriver hit a parked car...:-) :-)!!

-- Anonymous, August 06, 2003


After hearing Secretary Rumsfeld proclaim over and over "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive," Saddam decided to send Dubya a letter in his own handwriting to let the President know that Saddam is still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

George couldn't figure it out, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Powell and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it, so it went to the NSA and then to NASA and the Secret Service, even to MIT. The list grew and grew. Finally, some bright bureaucrat emailed the Mossad in Israel for help.

Cpt. Moishe Pippick took one look at it and replied: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down..."

-- Anonymous, September 21, 2003


BWAHHHHAAAAHAAAAAAA!

-- Anonymous, September 21, 2003

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