Abusive Man with Bipolar Disordergreenspun.com : LUSENET : Domestic Violence Accounts : One Thread
I was married to a man with bipolar disorder for 7 years.I had two sons prior to marrying him and we have a 6 year old son together.the abuse started out "mild" during pregnancy.He shoved me against the wall when he didn't want me doing laundry.We had a lot of shoving and pushing and I tried to stand my ground (I had no idea what I was dealing with at the time).He yanked me by the hair and pulled me into our bedroom one night from the supper table and threw me on the bed and told me to stay there until I could be a "good girl".He was drinking again but on his first drink. For some reason he did not react further when I refused.the other insident of violence that was pretty bad was when he was not in manic episode (just drunk) he kept swatting at my head until I was in the fetal position on the floor begging him to stop hitting me.It all blends together now, all the times I was called a stupid,idiot,moron,man-hater,being kicked literally out of the bed when I said no to sex (he was stinking drunk,it was nearly midnight and I was beginning a new job the next AM and just needed sleep).I was raped the year before we met and never acknowledged the pain of it until 5 years into our marriage.He was supportive of me going to the sexual assault center until the counselling began then he was really mean,calling me a whore who wanted to have sex with the man who raped me but just "changed my mind later and regretted it~calling it rape".I had a lot of sexual issues and needed him to be supportive and patient. He was pushy and never took no for an answer. I begged him to read the literature from the sexual assault center to help him understand me but he refused.to end my long story, April 11, 2002, he went into a pychotic mania and believed I was a witch casting evil spells on him and all men.It was his job to put an end to my life.He held me hostagae in our bedroom for nearly 6 hours,fractured my nose,bruised my skull and interrogated me by shining a large maglite flashlight directly into my eyes. He also used it as a weapon and struck me with it or held it over my head when he would order me to do something or answer a question.I was stripped of my clothes,lay bleeding on our bed when he decided he was a healer and after asking to "make love" to him (which I consented to believing he would stop hitting me or not kill me), he performed his version of an exorcism on me. I won't go into details but it was vaginal and physically abusive not to mention mentally degrading and tearing apart my soul.He was charged with aggravated assualt with a weapon,sexual assault and uttering death threats. As he was as I said in a manic pychotic state he pleaded NCR (not criminally responsible by reason of mental disorder)and the judge accepted his plea and he was remanded back to the forensic unit of a pychiatric hospial.at the end of Feb he got to go back to work and will soon have unsupervised recreation passes.He harrassed me almost the entire time on the phone from the hospital,downplaying the events,calling me disloyal for giving an honest police statement,telling everyone in his family he only hit me with his left hand and it could have been worse,he didn't "forcibly rape" me,etc.Husbands cannot rape their wives and he hoped that the court system was not bogged down with cases like that and went after real criminals.He has even said he pleaded NCR for ME so I wouldn't have to go to court.He believes he would have only served 6 months jail time and would have been found "not guilty". Iam divorcing him and Iam trying to heal. today is the anniversary of the day it happened.How do I deal with his parents who pretend to understand but really don't? Who tell me his condions are "harsh" and how hard it is for him,etc. It seems as though they just continue to rescue thier son yet at the same time talk about him taking responsibility for what he did. they say the words but don't seem to mean them and also are not accepting of the fact I can't stay married to him.any advice or comments would be appreciated and email@example.com
-- Anonymous, April 11, 2003
I have been in an abusive relationship with my husband for nearly three years - my divorce is almost final now but I'm still waiting for the judge to get off his duff and finalize it. During our marriage he has stolen thousands of dollars of my personal savings while he simply did not work for most of our marriage, and smoked it up as a methamphetamine addict; he took our money for food, our son's birthday and clothing, just for himself, and always managed to justify his behavior. I can't go into all of the other things he has done because the list is too huge: id theft, credit destruction, physical intimidation, stalking, bruising, pushing, sexual intimidation, theft, theft, theft, etc. I know now that he is an BAD man, and it isn't just because of the drugs or mental illness. Don't let ANYONE tell you that treating the bipolar will make your husband well; he has to get sober too, and it sounds like he comes from the same mold from which mine was made (I hope God has broken it since). Do not believe that he will get better, because the statistics show that he won't. He COULD get better (as long as we breathe, there is hope), but do you want to wait around and see, hoping that next time he doesn't kill you and your three boys too? Don't have any contact with his family; they are poison too. As if you should feel sorry that his prison conditions are harsh: he is there because HE RAPED YOU. It doesn't matter if he was your husband at the time - RAPE IS RAPE, even if the offender is our holy Lord in heaven. Period. Your husband is where he deserves to be, and let's hope they keep him there for a long time. You should get outta Dodge, protect your kids, ditch those in=laws, and start anew. You have to figure out, just like I have to, what the hell is wrong inside that made you choose a psychotic spouse, and I mean 'psychotic' literally (look up the definition of the word in the dictionary and see if it applies to yours - it does to mine). God bless, and good luck. Truly, Elysia
-- Anonymous, May 03, 2003
I'm so sorry for all that you have been through. No one deserves to be treated that way. I wish you could have taken this to court for I know you would have won. I hope things look up for you. I believe this was an extremely awful thing to happen but maybe you will find someone that will treat you with all the respect you deserve. My mother was in an abusive marriage about 8 years ago when I was 9 years old and I only witnessed it once. He was put in prison and my mom divorced him. She has been with my step-dad for 7 years and he is wonderful, they still get in arguments but they haven't been abusive things really turned around for her and I know the Lord will send someone your way soon. God bless I wish you luck!
-- Anonymous, May 14, 2003
Thank you for your responses. It shocks me when someone who doesn't even know someone reaches out to them and then those that you know who should be there for you are not.It has been a hard road for me to walk down. You find out quite quickly who is truly there and who is not. My case was particualarly difficult due to the fact that my ex had bipolar disorder and his family can't seem to accept that I just didn't get over it and remain married to him. They are more accepting of him holding me hostage,beating me and sexually assaulting me than they are of the fact I divorced him.(Divorce doesn't happen much in their family,Iam told).They have been good in some ways and horrible in others in words and actions. I got an article published in a magazine on my story which made me very proud to talk of the things that helped me get on with my life.It was very empowering. I have also started a group for women who are in abusive relationships or those who have left them. It offers chat,motivational words,info on abuse,poetry and if someone wants to ask a question I am more than willing to offer my support.Iam no expert but I have been in abusive relationships,survived them and also have taken psychology courses. I think though life experience often offers the most wisdom,it is also a place to put your story like here. I hope that if you know someone who is being abused or you are abused yourself please send them this to them. I post something new each day and sometimes more than once. I want to make a difference and I hope this will be part of it. THE GROUP HOME PAGE IS:
THE GROUP EMAIL ADDRESS IS:
I look forward to meeting any of you there. Let our voices unite. It all starts with a whisper.
-- Anonymous, May 25, 2003
This message is for Elysia - Elysia - we do not CHOOSE phsychotic partners, they choose us. Healing should not be "why did I make that stupid choice," healing should be "how can I get better." I am sorry to say, but I can see you beating yourself up now that HE is gone. Did you really have a choice anyhow? Was there was some point you could have just turned it all off? What would have happened? I suspect he either would have turned back on the charm for a while or things would have escalated faster - but does it matter, you are still here and you probably got out as unharmed as you could have hoped for. Good Luck and take care of yourself, E. Dupont
-- Anonymous, June 08, 2003
To E Dupont, thank you for reinforcing the notion that abusers and phychotic abusers are not chosen by us. you are right,they chose women who appear they can manipulate and abuse. I was asked by my mother-in- law when she I told her that I had been raped previous to marrying her son, "was it a violoent rape?" I felt so betrayed by her question. Intstead of asking HER "aren't all rapes violent?" I simply answered a quiet yes. That is the one of the most damaging things that happen to rape vicims, victims of domestic violence, they are blamed. Either in big bold ways or small subtle ones like the above comment. I was even asked by this same well-eduacated woman if I asked her son to give me a hug when he was threatening to kill me the night of that horrific nightmare come true. Give him a hug? Before or after he broke my nose? Before or after he smashed his flashlight across my body with such brutal violence I believed I was going to die that night. People ask why women don't just leave.Why on earth would they stay with someone that hits them,sexually assaults them or mentally abuses them. Why not just leave? For me, that particular night it was an impossibility for me to leave as I was not about to attempt to escape without my children. I'd probably be dead right now if I had attempted to escape as I was hit every time I moved. Next time someone asks why doesn't she leave? Stop and look them straight in the eyes and turn the question around to this: "WHY DOESN'T THE ABUSE STOP?" We should not be questioning the victim/survior we should be questioning the one who is harming them. No one provokes,deserves or is responsible for being abused and we need to stand up for one another and educate those that just don't get it.
-- Anonymous, June 09, 2003
This is for Angela - thanks - you are absolutely right. I bet that mother in law prided herself in some sick way for dealing with her own son - and re-inforcing his behavior while he was growing up. Let me guess - he was rude to her and spoke of what a bad mother she was? She was probably the first woman he abused. I, too, am tired of everyone sticking up for the abuser and criticizing the abused. Is all a part of the viscious circle that keep this stuff going round and unpunished. Thanks, E. Dupont
-- Anonymous, June 09, 2003
Please give advice. I recently met a man 45, Scorpio, with two daugthers(single father)their mother his ex-girlfriend relasped (drugs), two ex-wifes, and I with a level head want to know should I bother. I found this site searching for "whats to come"!!! He's bipolar. What should I do? I feel so alive, and listened to. I am very scared. I think I see the devil, or is it something else? Please inform.
-- Anonymous, July 22, 2003
Zora Did you not read all the passages? Don't allow your "level head" to get screwed by this man. You've already answered your own question..You're scared? You think you see the devil? Well honey you have. Get away from him!!! I've kept this page bookmarked to remind me that what Angela Cole went thru, I also went thru and it was a life-changing event. You will never be the same if you hook up with this guy..THREE DON'T'S>>>>DON'T LEND HIM MONEY, DON'T GIVE HIM A KEY AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T MARRY HIM. It's been nearly 3 years since I last saw my ex (and by the way, yours has "TWO? ex-wives, one was drug-addicted?) Yeah, let me guess, He's a real charmer, listens intently looking right into your eyes, sweeps you off you feet??? Been there...that doesn't last long. You'll soon see changes and you'll kick yourself later if you make ANY commitments to him.
I've moved two times, paid off thousands in credit card debt that he rang up(he could never hold a job)and am very distrustful of ALL people since. I'm sorry I ever met him. I thank the Lord for my family who keeps me going; I'm sorry for his family. His mother's only question was "doesn't your insurance cover help for him?" Little did she know he talked about her like a dog the whole time we were married, mad that she tried to get him help years before. A word of wisdom: you can tell how good a person's heart is by how they treat their parents and how they treat animals Life goes on..and we only live once. Don't make that mistake.
-- Anonymous, July 25, 2003