My 40+ year old brother has been married now for (not really sure) about 15 to 18 years. He called my mom crying like a 5 year old today, asking what he should do. His wife has had depression problems in the past, that have even driven her to an unsuccesful suicide. Today on my brothers birthday I find out that he is beyond miserable. Not only does she not let him sleep in his bed, not allowed to sleep on the sofa,(only chice given is the floor or he gets no sleep), but she greets him after a long day of work with cussing and degrading comments. Commands him to clean windows, ridicules his successful attempts at building things for home improvement and asks him to throw such things away. On and on, today was the last straw. It is my brother, her, and four boys. The two oldest have contributed to the household since before they were 18. They are great students and and hard workers and respect their father very much and have even suggested themselves that he should leave their mom. Today in a rage she kicked them out of the house. Both my brother and the two older boys work long and late hours yet she insists on getting up at the earliest hours of the morning to vacuum on a daily basis and screams and cusses throughout the house. She has called the police and paramedics accusing my brother of abuse, yet they have found nothing wrong with her (the cop that came even told my brother to divorce her). But he still has his two yongest sons. I could go on forever but all I really need is a number to for my brother to contact that could help him help her. She refuses to see a doctor, and is off her depression medication. I think she needs anger management therapy, but how do we make her co-operate. She screams that she's not crazy. Helpppp!!

-- Anonymous, July 15, 2003

Answers

You didn't mention where your brother lives but if you search this site as well as the links on www.VIP-NH.org you may find some assistance listed for his area. Also,he does have some "legal" recourse. He can file for a restraining order or order of protection at his local or regional Court,this could give him temporary custody of his minor children. He can also file for permanent custody of his minor children...regardless of whether he wants to file for divorce or not at this point in time. If his children are being abused/neglected by his wife and that is part of the reason he doesn't want to leave...then it would be in his and his children's best interests to think about these options. If his children are being mistreated by his wife and he does nothing to try to gain custody or at the very least to report the abuse/neglect to the "authorities" he could eventually be held equally accountable.If he can prove...(his older children can be witnesses as to what happens in the home)what is going on and can get into a Court via custody/restraining order hearings...the Judge may be able to order his wife to get help for herself as well. There are never guarantees what will happen...but these might be some options to consider.

I can't give you legal advice as I am not a Lawyer...but from personal experience I can say that if he does nothing the situation won't get any better and will eventually get worse. He is being affected by this but also his children are being affected greatly as well. If he takes action to move beyond this wih his children, he will not only be changing the course of his life but also the course of theirs. He is lucky to have support from you... Take care...and contact us if we can be of futher assistance. Lee Newman Violence Intervention Program/SAFE-NH www.VIP-NH.org

-- Anonymous, July 21, 2003