Joke of the week

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Polly, I thought I'd just start a new thread for the joke. Sometimes I want to find something that was said earlier and I never can locate it. Couldn't be because of thread drift, could it? Probably not.
I put this under HUMOR. Hope it qualifies!
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East. Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes. Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few." The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward. "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?" The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a soft, slow drawl, "That's 'cuz we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2004

Answers

Sad but I guess everyone hates your joke Wildman! Say..now that we seem to be alone I have a question that maybe you can answer? Why is it that dogs hump your leg? Gosh darnit I was at my neighbor's house and this dog would not stay away from my right leg!!! Does my leg look like the opposite sex?...No!!! Does it even look like a dog?...No!!! Whats up with those guys?
I guess thats why I like cats better. Cats don't hump your leg...way to much dignity. Thanks for listening..I'm glad thats off my chest..and my leg!!!!!

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2004

Kirk,
Maybe it's time to play Cowboys and Humpin' Dogs?!!!

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2004

Oh Kirk. I have to think that the joke was so great that no one could top it so they didn't try! Or maybe it was so old that everyone had heard it? Maybe everyone is so busy with what they're wearing that they haven't even read this thread?
Now, I really curious as to why you would think "I" have the answer to the leg humping question. Was it a "dog" of a joke, therefore I'm qualified? Damn, being an ex cowboy, I kinda thought it was funny. Not the kinda cowboy that Jerry Jones has or one of those that ride horses and rope cattle but the kind that sits in the drugstore and sips sasperrela and tips his hat to the ladies. Maybe it was just rhetorical (I HAVE to think that!) and you were venting?
Now, does your leg look like another dog? I don't know, I haven't seen your leg. (Henny Youngman?) As a general rule, I'd have to say no but there I go making an assumption but it is based on looking at a lot of legs over the years. Not men's, but those of the ladies and I haven't seen any that resemble anything that a dog should be interested in. Um, that could probably be taken two ways.
Maybe over sexed dogs that have a sexual addiction? Or maybe a confused greeting meaning, "I love you"? 'Course, that never worked for me! Got a lot of odd looks and shrieking but the relationships never progressed much beyond that. And now that I'm older, I'm happy it turned out that way. That would have been way too kinky for me.
If you're serious, the dog head shrinks actually have an explanation for it. They say that the humping of people, other male dogs or whatever, is a form of domination. Nothing to do with sex. Now, it's really hard to whack (maybe I should have used another word?) a dog, when he starts to dominate you, so you can show him who's boss if the owner is standing right there! The owner will probably want to dominate YOU! I don't care what the doggie shrinks say, but to me, it sure looks like doggie sex.
Sheepish, thank you for reading this thread. We thought we were alone.
Since the other joke went over so well, I'll try a short one, just in case everyone is having an attention span problem. If they don't laugh at this one, I'll need your support more than ever because I'll be devastated. This is one of the better ones that everyone can enjoy, except for the men.
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why?..... Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage...
Since we're on a roll, how about
A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked, "Mommy, are these my brains?" Mom said, "Not yet, honey."
Wildman, (hoping to hear a smile)

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2004

Kirk, I hope you know that we hold you to blame for starting the sex theme on this thread!!
And, no, I don't know why dogs do that; altho they never do it to me, so maybe it is a dominance thing.
What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?
Nacho cheese. Get it? Not-cho-cheese. Hee-hee-hee. Another patient joke. Thank heavens I don't have to go back until Thursday - maybe he'll be gone by then!

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2004

I just really, really love it when the men (finally) make a contribution to this (or any thread!). I laughed so hard when you, Kirk, and Wildman "spoke" up!!! Thanks for cheering me up :-)!!!!! BUT...all I could think of was what was the problem with your left leg and why didn't the dog like it as much as your right leg, Kirk??!! And, Wildman, you're right. Your joke was so good we all couldn't top it!!!
BTW...I like cats better, too...just for that reason :-)!

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2004

Well shoot what do ya know? We guys were not alone after all!
I was mostly trying to save Wildman the humiliation of being ignored. Plus, of anyone, I thought Wildman of all people would know the answer to the dog humping thing??? I was right. See if you and I Wildman were sitin out under the stars enjoying a campfire and some brew I would NOT discuss politics or religion. No sir...I'd ask ya why dogs hump legs. Then of course we would move on to other topics like the strange inconsistent behavior of woman?
P.S. The jokes got much better!!

-- Anonymous, March 24, 2004

Wildman,
Yer welcome. I'm a great lurker, if nothing else...spent most of my TB2000 days lurkin'...ah those were the days...

-- Anonymous, March 25, 2004

Isn't it funny how a certain phrase will make you thing of a song?!
"Those Were The Days"
by Lee Adams and Charles Strouse
Boy, the way Glen Miller played. Songs that made the hit parade.
Guys like us, we had it made. Those were the days.
Didn't need no welfare state. Everybody pulled his weight.
Gee, our old LaSalle ran great. Those were the days.
And you know who you were then, girls were girls and men were men.
Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again.
People seemed to be content. Fifty dollars paid the rent.
Freaks were in a circus tent. Those were the days.
Take a little Sunday spin, go to watch the Dodgers win.
Have yourself a dandy day that cost you under a fin.
Hair was short and skirts were long. Kate Smith really sold a song.
I don't know just what went wrong. Those Were The Days
Ah yeah, the good old days of 1999; pre Y2K. I'm sitting here trying to remember why I thought they were so good - because I still do think so. I still have nostalgic memories of plans and squirreling away food and tools; but I've lost the "feeling" of back then. And I'm sad, because I'm not even sure anymore what that feeling was.

-- Anonymous, March 25, 2004

Hello? HEL-LO-OO!! I said I was sad, darn it! Don't you guys understand that means I need another joke?
Oh wait, is this one of those times that: "Then of course we would move on to other topics like the strange inconsistent behavior of woman?"
Umm, yep. Guess it must be!
Or maybe we should play Cowboys and Wimmen instead. Oh, wait. I think I've played that game before....Yes, yes - I remember now...Let's DO play Cowboys and Wimmen!! Hee-hee-hee!!
Ignore me - It's pouring rain and I want to be out in the garden ;oP

-- Anonymous, March 25, 2004

Sorry, sorry, sorry! I've had out of town company for the last few days and Sandy told me that I was to stay off the computer while they were here. Something to do with being a good host but since they are friends of something like 20 + years, I figured that they knew me pretty well already and knew what type of host I was but I didn't want to cause any trouble so I stayed off the computer. I'm the good husband.
Quickly, here's your fix.
A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably damned dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.
I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you"
If that's not a tee hee, I'll have to give up!
Really thought we'd get more jokes. I'll run out eventually. I only get 10-20 aday. Half, I've already seen. Half aren't funny and some of the others I couldn't put on here because they're either pictures or videos. The other half probably shouldn't be put on a public board. So I don't have that many after getting rid of all those halves! A little help please.
Okay, one more.
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss But I only slept with you cause I was pissed. ************************* I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother. ************************** Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. ************************** Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face. **************************** Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not. ****************************** I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face. ******************************* I love your smile, your face, and your eyes Damn, I'm good at telling lies! ************************************ My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life. ************************************ I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming. *************************************** My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way ****************************************> My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe "go to hell." ***************************************** What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Come on! There's got to be something in there you like. You should be rolling on the floor by now. Maybe these jokes are telling way too much about me.
Got to run. Not much time right now. Sorry but I'll be back.
Wildman, (wanting help)

-- Anonymous, March 25, 2004

Thank you sir, much obliged! I especially enjoyed the rhymes!

-- Anonymous, March 25, 2004

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar and order a pint of Guinness. Upon receiving their drinks, each discovers a fly in their beer. The Englishman makes a disgusted face and sends the beer back. The Scotsman flicks the fly in his beer aside and begins drinking. The Irishman picks the fly out of his beer by the wings and screams "Spit it out you little bastard!"

-- Anonymous, March 25, 2004

Kirk, I really want to thank you for chiming in and asking me the question about humping, something I am thoroughly versed in and something that I have a lot of experience with. It evidently took their minds off of the joke! I don't know how you knew that I've owned or been around a lot of dogs but you did good. I meant the four legged kind.
Now, I know we thought we were alone and that that was a private conversation but evidently some others dropped by. After pulling such an excellent rescue, why in the world would you want to mess it up by bringing up the subject of "women's inconsistencies". Two things wrong with that subject that I can think of off hand. One, it brings the women into the conversation and you should know that once they get back in, we won't get another word in. Besides, we don't really know a lot about women's inconsistencies now, do we? You can see Heepish has already reverted back to pre-Y2K and Polly is reciting lyrics to old songs just because we're going to talk about inconsistence and it's embarrassing them. This thread was suppose to be about jokes. Actually, I guess both of those were jokes, weren't they? Second, men get inconsistencies too. It's like importance though, lots of people don't want to talk about it. I think it's treatable in both men and women with some little pill that they advertise on television. I'm sure you've seen the advertisement. Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!
Listen, I don't need much validation but a little would be nice. A groan will suffice. Notice that that rhymed? Guess I'm still on the poems. Don't make me mad. I know some of you are enjoying the jokes without participating. Post some jokes I haven't heard.
Ah, I see we have Sherri participating. Good one. And true. I've sucked the beer out of many flies during my drinking days. Aww, get your minds out of where I use to lay.
Marcia, we're only here to help cheer you up. Evidently, everyone else is already cheered up.
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick in my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
Wildman, (still trying, groan)

-- Anonymous, March 25, 2004

WHEW....on a roll here!!!!!!

-- Anonymous, March 26, 2004

Ohhh, Kirk! Ain't it the truth? I've got them right where I want them, don't I? They're laughing so hard that they can't type!!
You've got to admit that this is a tough crowd. They're beginning to make me wish my company was back and my internet access was restricted. However, I'm not one to give up easily: if I were, I'd have more money than I have. I wanted that to be a joke of the week, not joke of the day. Maybe they don't like to have fun? They can read, can't they? How did this become a "them", "us" thing? Come to think of it, I don't hear you laughing!
Guess I'll just have to keep on trying until I find what turns them on.
Grandpa's Wisdom
Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg
depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy
earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar
Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not
for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one but the
trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a
thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.
Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no
wonder that brides often blush.
On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the
past..but never the present.
A foolish husband remarks to his wife: "Honey, you stick
to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife
of mine is gonna work."
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the
interest is kept up.
You can marry more in a minute, than you can make in a lifetime.
Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make beds, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders.
How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.
What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick.
Okay folks, this is gonna continue until I see some laughter. Ya'll got to lighten up and live a little and I figure it's my job to see you smile. Smile, that's where the corners of the mouth turn up and sometimes even an involuntary noise comes from the mouth and makes you feel good. It's different from a burp, even though that makes you feel good too.
Stick with me Kirk and we'll eventually win. It's hard to keep a good man down. Unless it's after the second or third time.
Wildman, (getting frustrated)

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2004

Okay! Okay!! I'm laughing, I swear! In fact, I'm going to have to clean frosted mini-wheats off the monitor, I was laughing so hard!

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2004

Yeah, I actually DID laugh out loud on a few of them...'specially the marriage sayings! Some strike pretty close to home.
Good ones!
(back to lurking....)

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2004

Wildman...you seem to be in your "element" here :-)!!! Excellent jokes everyone! Here's one (one of my "clean" jokes) from me... On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground! "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Come on!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2004

Hoo ha hee hee har har ......Hey isn't that interesting I'm having Mini Wheats just like Poly!!!....Where was I.. oh yea.....Whoa hoo ha yuck yuck snic ha.....Hey a WHOLE piece a cereal came right outa my nose!!!!
This is a roll Wildman...Got Sherri and now Marcia kicking in!!!! If Marcia had a glass a wine bet we'd here some real DIRTY stuff?

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2004

Kirk...wine only brings on the mild jokes. After a glass of "SoCo" though, I start digging through Harry's poker jokes :-)!!

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2004

Okay. Still no chuckles from the rest? Here's a site that will either make you laugh out loud, groan or start a new career! If this one doesn't elicit a response, I'll shoot myself!
www.Countryhomeproducts.com Go to Farm, then Raising Chickens. Check out the chicken coop.
Wildman, (still trying)

-- Anonymous, April 05, 2004

Humm, Can't believe that site didn't get a response. Oh well, a promise is a promise.
But before I go,
The other morning I took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. 'What the hell?' I said to myself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when I shook them out.
"Babe," I hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back, "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow.'"
Bang, bang!
Wildman, (thunk)

-- Anonymous, April 10, 2004

Wildman...why two "bangs"?? Did the first shot miss :-) :-)??!!
I haven't even checked out that site yet. Way too much going on here with company, Easter and rotilling etc. But I promise to do it tonight!!!! BTW...is the Miracle Grow working?

-- Anonymous, April 11, 2004

Marcia, the first one was a practice shot to make sure the gun was still working and wasn't plugged up with dirt dabbers. Didn't want to have the gun blow up in my face! Not really a messy guy.
Don't know if the Miracle Grow is working or not. Got too many tubes coming out of my body right now to look that low. The doc says I'll pull through. I'm a bad shot. Sure gave me one hell of a headache though.
Wildman, (recovering)

-- Anonymous, April 11, 2004

Geesh, Wildman!! Are you serious?? I'm gonna feel really really bad if I made a joke out of something that really happened!!!
Going to check out that chicken coop site right now...!!!

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2004

What're we laughing at re: the chicken coop - the price? Someone would have to be nuts to pay that much for that dinky little thing. What you doing hanging out at a yuppie/pretend farmer website, Wildman - got a thing for Paris Hilton, or something.
Miracle Grow in the knickers, huh? Now THAT was funny!

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2004

I could use some Miracle UN-Grow for my thighs and butt :-(!!!

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2004

Yes Polly, I like Paris, I've always had this dream about sisters! I really don't know why I was on the site except it came to my e-mail and I wanted to check it out. I'm thinking there's a huge market of idiots out there. If they sell one at that price, it proves my theory.
Marcia, you're in luck. I'm fixing to market an ultra sharp machete. The ultimate weight loss device. Lose thirty pounds in seconds. No pills, no diets to fall off of, no exercise programs. Disclaimer: If you're looking for the perfect body shape do not use this product. It's for WEIGHT LOSS only.
Wildman, (seeing megabucks)

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2004

�� A Catholic Priest, a Protestant Minister and a Rabbi are discussing the question of when does life begin. "Without any doubt,"says the Priest, "life begins at the moment of conception, when the sperm meets the egg."
�� "No, no!" says the Protestant Minister. "Life begins at the moment of birth, when the baby emerges."
�� "No way," says the Rabbi. "Life begins when the last kids are out of college, and the dog dies."

-- Anonymous, April 22, 2004

That's cute, Marcia.....especially the dog dies part! (can't wait).

-- Anonymous, April 22, 2004

EM...As you know, our last dog died quite awhile ago BUT, we can't wait til the "kids" have no more marital/relationship problems!!! Maybe then, Harry and I will have no more STRESS :-)!!
Going to search for more jokes now....!!!!!

-- Anonymous, April 22, 2004

Computer Terms for Northern Maine...

1. Log on - Make the wood stove hotter
2. Log off - Don't add no more wood
3. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove
4. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck
5. Floppy disk - What you get from downloading too much firewood
6. Ram - The thing that splits the firewood
7. Hard Drive - Getting home in the winter
8. Prompt - What the US mail ain't in the winter
9. Window - What to shut when its cold outside
10. Screen - What to shut in black fly season
11. Byte - What the black flies do
12. Bit - What the black flies did
13. Mega Byte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season
14. Chip - Munchies for TV
15. Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you eat chips
16. Modem - What you did to the weeds growing in the driveway
17. Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
18. Lap top - Where the beer spills when you nod off
19. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks at McDonalds
20. Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery
21. Mouse - What makes the holes in the Cheerios box
22. Main frame - What holds the house up, hopefully
23. Enter - The only way to win those magazine sweepstakes
24. Web - What a spider makes
25. Web site - High corners of the ceiling
26. Cursor - Someone who swears
27. Search Engine - What you do when the car dies
28. Screen Saver - repair kit for the torn window screen on the camp
29. Home Page - map you keep in your back pocket in case you get lost in the woods
30. Upgrade - Steep hill
31. Server - waitress
32. Mail Server - male waitress. Darn few in Maine
33. MS DOS - Some new disease they discovered
34. Sound Card - One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it
35 User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing your stuff
36. Browser - A problem moose in the Garden or Blueberry patch
37. Network - Mending holes in the gillnet
38. Internet - Complicated fish net repair
39. Netscape - What haddock do when you don't do your network
40. Online - good sign there'll be clean clothes this week
41. Off line - the clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground - better luck next week

-- Anonymous, April 23, 2004

I'm on a roll, folks :-)! And this is possibly the very best "chicken joke" ever!!!

> A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.� The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. > The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question. >

-- Anonymous, April 23, 2004

I heard that one last year, marcia; that is definitely one of the best jokes ever!

-- Anonymous, April 23, 2004

Q: How do you catch a polar bear?
A: You cut a large hole in the ice & carefully lay out a few garden peas along the edge. Then, when the polar bear goes to take a Pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

-- Anonymous, April 24, 2004

GROAN!!

-- Anonymous, April 24, 2004

I told this to my granddaughter, EM!! Actually she sat and read it here with me :-)!!! She understood it and LOVED it!
BTW...I most definitely do not let her read ALL the jokes here :-)!

-- Anonymous, April 24, 2004

Not really a joke, but I found it amusing! ------------------------------------------
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, " it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

-- Anonymous, December 22, 2004

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