Here is the issue, my wife's Mat leave is about to end. (We get a year up here in Canada). We had decided that she would not go back to work and stay home and I would work full time. After our first daughter we had both worked part-time so that one of us was always home with Sylvia but that was stressful.

Then a full time position opened up at her work that starts the same day her Mat leave ends. We decided there was no harm in her applying. She has been told that she got the job, if she wants it. Now we have to decide which of us will work and which will stay home.

On the one hand, I am the husband and father. I'm not a crazy 'a woman's place is in the kitchen' kind of guy, but I think there is something very natural and valuable in the man works woman stays home arrangement. Also, she has really enjoyed being home with the girls this last year (she had a hard time with Sylvia, but it has been much better with Joy.)

On the other hand, she would make about $700 a month more than I do. I only make about $2000, so this is a huge percentage increase for us. She also has benifits at work, and I don't. Now, money isn't everything. Whatever we decide, one of us is staying home with the kids . . . we will make it work. Add to this the fact that we will be getting pregnant again in June-July. So next year about this time she could go on Mat leave again. If she just take the 4 months then her work tops up to 93%, meaning that we could BOTH be home for the first four months and still be making more than I do.

Another issue is that I am a far better house keeper, and I already do all the cooking. Gene (my wife) really likes a clean house but is not real good at making that happen. So going back to work might in fact lower her overall stress, even though she now has to be working again.

My job kinda stinks. The only good thing is that I can sneak away to talk to you folks and I can usually have ewtn radio playing in the background. Gene's work is somewhat fun, or at least it has the potential to be fun. She was a language major in University and it allows her to use her French and Japanese.

Finally, I am leaning towards her working and me staying home. Yet, I worry that I am motivated more by the fact that I am a lazy SOB and just want to send my wife off to the salt mine.

Here is the kicker, her work wants an answer by tomorrow evening. We've been to the Blessed Sacrament and now I'd like you all to pray for us as well, that we may make a wise decision.

Also, please weigh in with your opinions and advice.

In Christ

Dano

-- Dan Garon (boethius61@yahoo.com), April 26, 2004

Answers

Response to Family Advise and Prayers

giving my self a lift to the top of the list.

Dano

-- Dan Garon (boethius61@yahoo.com), April 26, 2004.

Response to Family Advise and Prayers

You and your wife are in my prayers Dano. I will also pray that whatever you decide that it glorifies God.

As far as my personal opinion, it sounds like you're going about making a decision the right way. And as far as being a lazy slob who just wants to send your wife to the salt mines, I think my wife (who's the one who stays home with the kids) would probably say that you wouldn't be choosing the lazy road at all by being the one who stays home to care for the kids.

-- Andy (aszmere@earthlink.net), April 26, 2004.

Response to Family Advise and Prayers

dan,

from a personal perspective, let your wife work... assuming she wants the job and is willing to do the husband at home thing.

i dont think its so important WHICH parent stays home on account of the fact that 1) as long as one parent stays home with the children and 2) as long as the gender roles of mother/father are not confused, then there is no harm done in the situation.

plus the benefits and pay difference is WAY worth the exchange.

-- paul h (dontSendMeMail@notAnAddress.com), April 26, 2004.

Response to Family Advise and Prayers

IMHO,when both father and mother make a joint decision about such matters and have first asked God for HIS guidance, then you cannot go wrong..your children are blessed to have such fine parents!!!!!

-- lesley (martchas@hotmail.com), April 26, 2004.

Response to Family Advise and Prayers

Dano, IMHO this is a no brainer. Let your wife work and you stay home. Just based on the tone of your note it seems like that is what you both want. Besides, as someone else has already responded, my wife (who stays at home with our three) would concur that you will have the harder job ( albeit incredibly rewarding; I'd trade places with her in a heartbeat). Trust me, the last thing you will be staying home with the kids is a lazy SOB.

Your family is in my thoughts an prayers and please keep us updated.

Pax et Bonum.

-- Thomas (psalm23@catholic.org), April 26, 2004.

Response to Family Advise and Prayers

Thanks so far everybody. Let me add something. I gave all the rational evidence, now allow me to deliver my irrational fears.

My wife was PPD (post partum depression) after Joy (looking back probably Sylvia too but we didn't get it diagnosed). She is just now being weaned off her brain drugs. Things are going well but I worry that the timing overlap will mean that in the time while her body starts getting things back in order on its own the stress of going back to work will make her go crazy, she will have to quit her job, we will both be unemployed and our family will starve to death (I said it was irrational).

Dano

-- Dan Garon (boethius61@yahoo.com), April 26, 2004.

Response to Family Advise and Prayers

Dano,

That sounds like a legitimate concern to me, not irrational fear at all. That's where trust in God will come in. If you are doing His will, He will make sure it all works out. Keep praying, especially in the Presence of Christ in the Eucharist and He will answer you. The hardest part, IMHO, is being open to His will.

I will pray for Gene's full recovery and healing.

-- Andy (aszmere@earthlink.net), April 26, 2004.

Response to Family Advise and Prayers

Dan,

In response to your initial post - we all have self-doubts sometimes regarding our underlying motives. However, everything you said in your post reaffirms that your motives are indeed what they should be. Peter had doubts too before stepping out of the boat, but if he didn't take the step he would not have walked on water. God will support you in your decision.

In response to your last post - there is no better defense against depression than being actively involved in something you like to do, especially if it entails both mental and physical activity. I realize there is a chemical/physiological component in PPD, but there is also a chemical component in activity and self-satisfaction. If I had a tendency toward depression, I know I would be far better off interacting with others in French and Japanese (if I had that talent), than washing dishes, changing diapers and doing laundry day after day.

-- Paul M. (PaulCyp@cox.net), April 26, 2004.

Response to Family Advise and Prayers

Dan,

I will definitely keep you and your family in my prayers.

From my perspective, I agree with all that was said so far. I think what you have written shows the clear advantages of her going to work and you staying home, and far outweighs the advantages of the other option.

paul h said: i dont think its so important WHICH parent stays home on account of the fact that 1) as long as one parent stays home with the children and 2) as long as the gender roles of mother/father are not confused, then there is no harm done in the situation.

I agree completely. Dan, God bless and I will continue to pray that He will lead you to make the right decision. Pray for God's peace about what you should do, and when you are doing God's will, He will provide what you need.

-- Emily (jesusfollower7@yahoo.com), April 26, 2004.

Response to Family Advise and Prayers

agree with paul m,

a major part of combating depression and several other mental disorders is to have a purpose driven life. sometimes this is easier to find in an active, interactive career than in the home.

i will divulge that for a time my stepmother went through alchoholism, and it was getting her to realize that she had a purpose and a needed place in society which eventually brought her back out of it. Having your wife work should not harm her, but possibly give her something to take her mind off.

besides, the scenario you named, while heartfelt and honest, is a slippery slope which (as a logical fallacy) is unlikely to occur

-- paul h (dontSendMeMail@notAnAddress.com), April 26, 2004.

Response to Family Advise and Prayers

I will pray for you, Dan. Continue to seek and trust in the Lord, who will guide you and your family.

-- Dora W (dvw28@hotmail.com), April 27, 2004.

Hi, Paul

"..that for a time my stepmother went through alchoholism, and it was getting her to realize that she had a purpose and a needed place in society which eventually brought her out of it."

Paul when one is an alcholic there is NO one that can bring them out of it. They will be an alcholic for the rest of their life. Some are able to stop drinking with Gods' Grace and some are not!

But once an alcholic always a alcholic. There are no "inbetweeens" with this disease.

May God have mercy on all the alcholics in the world and bless their families.

-- - (David@excite.com), April 27, 2004.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. Please continue to pray for my family.

We have made our decision, and I have handed in my letter of resignation while my wife has accepted the position she was offered.

I don't have internet at home, so I am afraid that I only have one month left to be with you all. After that I will only be able to visit on rare occasions. I have really enjoyed it here.

Dano

-- Dan Garon (boethius61@yahoo.com), April 29, 2004.

Dear Dan,

May God Bless you and your family.

The only thing I have to say about the depression is that your wife should consult with her doctor before getting off of the medication.

Depression can be tricky - people feel fine when on medication so they decide they don't need it any more. Yes, a satisfying job and a purpose in life does help with depression, but jobs can be stressful as well.

I wouldn't be so quick to get off the meds, perhaps she can lower her dosage and see how it goes. If the doctor says it is okay to get off the meds, fine..but do keep that depression in check.

May God bless all of you and be with you always.

-- MaryLu (mlc327@juno.com), April 29, 2004.

Dan

I already do what you are about to start doing.

its tough. its actually a lot tougher than "WORKING" for a living. you will need the proverbial patience of a Saint, etc etc. the advantage you have over me is that you had some prior experience. i took on this role as soon as our first-born arrived. i have done it ever since.

for a man, its tougher -- for reasons that you will discover.

i wish you well.

its the best, but hardest, job on the planet. no-one but you (and the mothers we have all taken for granted for so long) will understand that -- trust me.

God Bless You and Yours.

-- HH (HH@HH.NET), April 29, 2004.

Dan,

I'll keep and your family in my prayers. We'll miss you.

-- Andy (aszmere@earthlink.net), April 29, 2004.

Dano

God bless you and your family. I'm sure you made the right decision. I was in a very similar situation a few years ago and made the same decision and have never regretted it.

One thing intrigues me though. You said "we will be getting pregnant again in June-July". If it's not too personal a question, how can you know this? I'm sure I'm not the only one who would like to be able to predict things so accurately.

-- Peter K (ronkpken@yahoo.com.au), April 29, 2004.

Old Mrs. Billigns knows her stuff!

We use Billings method of natural family planning. It ahs a perfect record for us. Six years married, we have two kids (3&1) and both were concieved on the 'first try'. Actually, the first try with the older one was on a month where my wife didn't ovulate, but with the Billings method we were able to determine that right away too. And next month bambo! Second child, first try. I am giving us a two month window of June/July just to be conservative. NFP may not be perfect but boy is it close!

Dano

-- Dan Garon (boethius61@yahoo.com), April 30, 2004.