Parody/The Church of Many Titlesgreenspun.com : LUSENET : church of Christ : One Thread
There is something in religion today that is not taught in scriptures.
Setting: The auditorium of the Church of the Many Titles Time: During Church Characters: The pew sitters; the Eldership and the Staff on the stage.
Quietness ascends over the group as Bro. Elder # 1 walks behind the pulpit stand. All eyes are upon him as he begins to speak.
Bro. Elder #1, "Welcome to our worship service at the Church of the Many Titles. Today's service will be a bit different because this is dedication day. We have added new Staff to this fine Church and we are here to honor and dedicate them."
Bro. Concern (to himself) "Huh?"
Bro. Elder #1 continues, "At my left on the stage sits our fine Eldership. Let me introduce them."
Bro. Newcomer (to himself) "So those men are the Eldership."
Bro. Elder #1, "Bro. MediDoc is a real asset to this fine Church. He physicians at the ClinicDowntown. Because of his influence in the community many have joined us here at this fine Church."
Everyone claps as Bro.MediDoc nods to the audience.
Bro. Elder #1 continues, "Next to Bro. MediDoc sits Bro. AccKeeper. He has only recently joined the Eldership and already our books are in order. He serves this fine Church as Treasurer."
All clap as Bro. AccKeeper nods.
Bro. Elder #1, "Next we have Bro. Oldtimer. He has been in the Eldership for quite some time. He is partially retired as others come aboard the Ship."
All clap as Bro. Oldtimer nods to the group.
Bro. Elder #1 continues, " On my right are all the Staff who serve this fine Church. As we introduce each person he/she will come forward and the Eldership will lay hands on him as we pray to God. First we have Bro. Pulpit Minister.
Bro. Pulpit Minister steps to the podium where he is joined by the Bros. Eldership. All lay hands on him as Bro. Elder #1 leads the prayer of thanksgiving for God's goodness in placing Bro. Pulpit Minister in this fine Church.
Bro. Concern (to himself,) "Huh?"
After the laying on of hands, and the prayer of thanksgiving for God's goodness, all clap.
Bro. Elder #1 speaks again, "Next we have Bro. Assistant Minister. This fine man was hired to help Bro. Pulpit Minister in all his many duties. He works under Bro. Pulpit Minister."
The Eldership lays hands upon Bro. Assistant Minister, prayer is offered to God, and all clap.
Bro. Elder #1 continues, "Next is our fine Bro. ChurCounseler. He is a busy man as you pew sitters bring your problems to him. He relieves the Bros. Eldership of mundane things and leaves their time open for more important endeavors."
Hands are laid upon Bro. ChurCounseler, prayer said, and everyone claps.
Bro. Elder #1, "Now we come to our newest Staff member. Bro. Youthman. Until we were able to obtain the services of this fine young man our youth were going in every direction. Their socials were not systematically handled, never knowing whose home would be used the next week, with only the parents to organize such events. Now since the arrival of Bro. Youthman the youth are organized. There are no socials without input from Bro.Youthman. He teaches them in their classes. Being young, himself, he can relate to their problems. Come forward Bro. Youthman."
Hands are lain upon him, prayer said and all clap.
Bro. Elder #1 continues introducing the Minister of Benevolence, Minster of the Elderly, Minister of the Bible classes, Minister of Magnificence, Minister of the Ministers...on and on and on.
After the laying on of hands on each, prayers said, all clap.
After about an hour of the laying on of hands, prayers and clapping, the Table was resided at, the Money Tree was fed, the assembly was dismissed with the song, "Pay and obey, Pay and obey, to be love and accepted just pay and obey."
As the group filed out into the isles of the building, Sis. Excited was heard to say, "I loved the interaction we had today. We were all able to clap together.. Surely, this is the interaction the early Christians participated in."
Bro. Concern (to himself,) "Huh?"
-- Nelta Brock (email@example.com), May 13, 2004